SAUCY SECRETS: My lover does something so hurtful after sex and has no idea how much it bothers me. Now I've discovered so many men do it...
Dear Jana,
I need some advice about my lover. He's kind, thoughtful and, honestly, the best guy I've ever been with. But there's one thing that's starting to really bother me.
Every time we have sex, he gets straight up and goes to have a shower. We'll have just had this really intimate moment, and the next thing I know, he's in the bathroom leaving me lying there alone.
At first, I thought it was just one of his quirks: he's a bit of a clean freak, so I figured it was his way of feeling comfortable.
But now, a year in, it's really starting to get to me. I feel like he's rejecting the moment or washing me off. I've even joked about it and asked him to stay for a bit, but he just says he feels 'sticky' and needs to freshen up.
I know he's had a tough time with his ex, who cheated on him, so maybe this is part of how he deals with intimacy. But it's making me feel like he's holding something back from me emotionally.
Am I overthinking this? Or is it fair to want a bit of closeness after sex before he runs off to scrub himself clean? I recently found out a lot of men do this, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.
Yours, Feeling a Bit Rejected.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark sassy advice to readers needing help with their love lives - or lack thereof
Dear Feeling a Bit Rejected,
Oh, men and their weird sex quirks!
First off, let me reassure you that your feelings are as valid as a post-coital cuddle request. Sometimes it's the whole reason I enjoy sex, the feeling of intimacy afterwards as you quietly high-five each other for a good performance and bask in each other's fabulousness. The sweat is kind of part of the magic, right?
So let's unpack this. Your boyfriend sounds like a clean freak. Nothing wrong with that, bless his hygienic heart, but the man needs to learn about the holy grail of post-sex rituals: the cuddle sesh.
Controversial opinion, but I think it's just as important as climaxing.
You've tried joking about it (love your approach, by the way), but since Sir Scrub-a-Lot didn't take the hint, it's time for a deeper convo. And, yes, this might tie into his past relationship trauma. It's possible his shower dash is his way of keeping emotional walls up (a bit melodramatic, I know).
So here's your game plan: next time, instead of joking, tell him straight up how it makes you feel. Be honest, but keep it light. 'Hey, babe, when you dash to the shower, it leaves me feeling a bit blah. I'd love it if you stayed a bit longer to snuggle.'
I had to have a similar conversation with a guy last year who was a FWB. He would dash as soon as we finished our bedroom gymnastics and it made me feel like rubbish. So one night (admittedly, after a few margaritas) I told him.
This week, Jana helps out a regretful boyfriend who is racked with guilt after going to fix his girlfriend's aunt's car, only to end up in the bedroom with her
And bless that man - now I have to boot him out for staying too long! So trust me, those slightly awkward conversations work.
If he's a keeper (and from the sound of it, he is), he'll want to meet you halfway. Maybe even lure him with a compromise: 'Two minutes of snuggles, and I'll let you shampoo guilt-free.'
And hey, if he still insists on the shower, why not make it a joint venture! A little 'water conservation' fun might turn his quirky post-sex habit into a bonding moment. Win-win, for you and the environment.
So no, you're not overthinking it. You're simply asking for intimacy. Communicate, cuddle - and keep me updated!
Dear Jana
I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm 20 and have been with my missus for about a year now. I was punching above my weight and I know it.
A couple of months ago, she asked me to help her aunt fix her car's carburettor. Her aunt is 46 but looks great for her age, keeps herself fit and tidy.
Anyway, I head over after work, fix the car, and she offers me a beer. We end up having a bit of a session on the beers and before I know it, she's spilling her guts about how her bloke had done a runner.
Next thing we're in her bedroom, and, mate, it was next-level.
Now I feel like a piece of s***. My missus has no idea, and her aunt's acting normal around her, but whenever I see her, I get this knot in my gut. What do I do?
Do I come clean and try to mend things, or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it never happened? I love her but I don't know if I can handle feeling like a pile of dog s***.
Cheers, Anonymous.
Alright, Anonymous.
Buckle up because here comes the controversial take. You're in a moral minefield, but never fear, I'm going to help you stop blowing everything up.
To put it bluntly, keep your pie hole shut!
Confessing might seem like the noble thing to do, but is it really? Let's think about this rationally.
If you tell your girlfriend, you're not just unburdening yourself, you're also setting off a bomb that will wreck her trust, her relationship with her aunt, and likely the relationship between you two.
That's a triple-whammy no one asked for. All because your pecker got a little over-excited.
Now, keeping it a secret isn't about sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. It's about taking responsibility, silently.
You feel like a pile of dog s***? Good. Sit with that. Use it as motivation to become a better partner. Double down on being the boyfriend your girlfriend deserves. Treat her so well she'd never even imagine you could screw up this badly.
The most important part of this 'keep it quiet' strategy? Cut all ties with the aunty.
No beers, no carburettors, no nothing. She's off-limits from here on out. You crossed a line, and the only way to ensure this never happens again is to create some serious distance.
Listen, Anonymous, this isn't an easy path; it requires discipline, self-awareness and a willingness to carry the weight of your mistake without dumping it on anyone else.
But sometimes, the 'honesty is the best policy' mantra just creates chaos, and frankly, your girlfriend doesn't deserve to have her world blown up because you couldn't resist the lure of a MILF.
So, no confession. Instead, commit to being better. And let this guilt be the slap in the face you needed to never, ever screw up like this again.
Not everyone will agree with this take, but hey, relationships and life are messy. Handle with care.
Dear Jana,
I'm turning 39 in a few months, and the thought of being single at 40 is making me panic a bit.
I've been with my boyfriend for about two years now. He's a good guy - kind, stable, makes me laugh. My friends all think I'm lucky to have him, and honestly, I know they're right.
But here's the thing... I don't feel fireworks.
I was married in my late 20s, and it ended badly after I discovered he was cheating with a colleague. Since then, I've been on some disaster dates. I've dated ghosters, commitment-phobes, and one guy who 'forgot' he was still married.
When my boyfriend came along, he felt like a breath of fresh air. He ticks so many boxes and my family loves him. But deep down, I sometimes feel we're just 'fine'.
I can't figure out if I'm overthinking it because I've been burned before, or if I'm settling because I'm scared of being alone. What if I let him go and never find someone as nice as him again? What if I hold out for a 'spark' and end up regretting it?
Dan's been hinting about moving in together, and I've been dodging the conversation because I feel so torn. He deserves someone who's all in, but I'm not sure if that's me.
Am I sabotaging a good thing because of my past? Or should I trust my gut and risk it all for the chance of something more?
Jess.
Oh, girl.
First of all, take a deep breath – we've all been there, and trust me, it's infuriating to feel this way.
You've got the guy who ticks the boxes, but those pesky fireworks are nowhere to be found. If only we could pick and choose who we could make our heart flutter for. I would be married to the most gloriously kind man right now if that were possible.
So, let me start by saying kudos for acknowledging your gut feelings. That's where the answers usually lie, but sometimes our guts get a little noisy with past baggage and societal pressure (damn you, societal pressures! *waves fist in the air*).
Let's take a second to separate the two.
You've been through the wringer: a cheating ex-husband, and guys who had no business going on dates with you. It's no wonder you've put stability on a pedestal.
But there's a difference between appreciating stability and settling for 'just fine'. In (possibly the best TV show of all time) Ted Lasso, Roy Kent offers Rebecca some candid advice about her relationship:
'You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by f***ing lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine.'
Oh, how I love this quote! It highlights the importance of seeking a relationship that truly excites and fulfills you, rather than settling for mediocrity. I would rather be single than be with someone who you just feel a bit 'meh' about.
But I would like to add one more thing to that statement. You also deserve a love that feels like home, not one that makes you wonder 'what if' every other day. Someone who you can't wait to see.
That said, let's not romanticise the spark. Fireworks fade - that's just simple biology. What's left when the glitter settles is a true partnership.
You need the three important ticks: trust, shared values, and someone who makes you feel seen. Your partner seems to check those boxes, which is a big deal.
But let's be real: if deep down you know this isn't enough, you owe it to both of you to be honest.
Staying with someone out of fear - fear of being single at 40, fear of not finding anyone 'as nice' - is a one-way ticket to resentment town. And trust me, you don't want to unpack your bags there.
Before making any big moves (like dodging another moving-in chat), have a brutally honest talk with yourself. Are you torn because you're scared of what's out there, or because you know this isn't your forever?
If it's the former, lean into therapy (highly recommend it!) or self-reflection to unpack your past wounds. If it's the latter, be brave enough to walk away and trust that your 'right person' will show up.
Your fella deserves someone who's all in, and you deserve a relationship that doesn't leave you questioning your own gut.
Sometimes the spark we're chasing isn't an explosion, it's a slow, steady burn that feels just right. But if this doesn't even feel like that? Then it's time to stop dodging and start deciding.
Good luck, Jess. Either way, trust yourself. You've survived worse, and the single life can actually be pretty darn fabulous!
