FAQs: Am I OK?
Concerned about your own sexual thoughts and behaviors
As a teen or even as a young adult, it is normal to be sexually curious and to want to explore - both alone and with a partner, like a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex can also take many different forms, so start first with knowing yourself, what you like and want. Also, are you able to talk about what you like and don't like? This is critical before exploring anything with someone else. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, and communication helps you know where other people’s boundaries are, including your own.
Sometimes we can find ourselves turned on or aroused - by things that surprise us or that we think should not be something that is arousing. An example of this could be having a physical response, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, when thinking about another person when we don’t even like that person, or maybe that person is too young...or maybe even they are a close relative. We cannot always control our feelings and thoughts - or even how our body reacts. If these “feelings of arousal” are bringing up difficult feelings, are happening all the time, or start to interfere with feeling “OK” or with other daily activities, it is perfectly OK to ask for help with them. The important thing is to know that just having these thoughts and feelings does not make someone a bad or scary person.
Sexual behavior becomes abusive when it is harmful to yourself or others, when it happens without the consent of everyone involved, or involves threats, manipulation, or force. Abusive behavior can take many forms. It can include being violent or aggressive, making threats, controlling someone's behavior, putting them down, verbally abusing them, and putting pressure on someone to have sex or do things they don't feel comfortable with, including when they are not old enough to consent to sexual behaviors.
Additionally, sexual behaviors between an older youth or adult, and a younger child or another youth who has developmental and/or cognitive differences is also considered problematic and harmful. Sexually harmful or abusive behavior can, and often does, result in serious and long-term emotional, mental, physical and sexual harm of the other person or people involved.
Asking questions about your own sexual interests and behaviors is a good thing! And asking these questions is not always easy. You've taken that first difficult step just by reading this. Asking questions is great! It means that you are willing to be responsible and accountable for your sexual behavior. While people are in relationships and have sex for a lot of reasons, neither should ever be abusive.
It’s OK to ask questions. Here are the most common ones we hear:
Is there help for someone who has sexual interest in children?
Are people who are sexually abused more likely to sexually abuse someone else?
Am I a bad person because I sexually harmed a child when I was younger?
Have more questions? Text, chat or call our helpline
How do I know if my sexual behaviors are harmful?
It isn’t always easy to tell whether our own behavior is healthy or if it has crossed a line, is potentially harmful or problematic. You can be a great person, caring, sensitive...but sometimes our sexual behaviors can become harmful if we don’t know how to tell what is safe and what isn’t.
But there are clues to look out for that something needs to change so that no one is harmed- including yourself. Key in a healthy relationship - there should be an equal balance of power where each person is able to voice their opinions, needs, wants, desires and boundaries - and no one is forced to do something that they don’t want to that could be painful, humiliating, scary, dangerous or illegal.
We can't always control our thoughts, some may make us uncomfortable, but we can and need to control our behaviors. The best way to build happy and healthy relationships and sex lives is to pay attention to one’s own sexual behaviors and thoughts, and talk about any concerns early.
Below are a few warning signs in one’s own sexual behaviors. These signs take some self-reflection and a willingness to think about the ways we are sexual and if or when we decide to engage in sexual relationships with another person.
Sometimes a warning sign is nothing more than a reminder to get more information or to talk with a supportive and informed person. Other times, a warning sign may mean that there is something more concerning and serious going on, and that the next best step is to ask for help from a professional such as a therapist who understands sexual behaviors and sexual development to help learn more about what’s going on for you. Help is available if you find that you are:
Not respecting your partners’ boundaries by violating their consent, or ignoring them when they say NO to something sexual
Taking advantage of a situation when someone is vulnerable, like when they are drunk or high, struggling emotionally, or if they are a child or have a disability
Using force, threats, or manipulation to get the other person to be sexual with you
Upset by your own discomfort and having feelings like you may have crossed a line with another person or made them feel uncomfortable
Take a look at our blog, “What are the warning signs that my sexual behavior may be harmful?” which goes into some more detail about these warning signs. If you have questions about your thoughts, feelings or behaviors, we’re here to talk confidentially - and without judgment or shame. Text 1.888.532.0550 to get started.
Are people who think sexually about children bad people?
No! Thinking sexually about children does not make someone a bad person. Thoughts and feelings are not actions. They are not actual behaviors. However, it is wrong and illegal to act on these thoughts. And if you do, you need to be accountable, and get help to manage these thoughts.
We all think and feel things that we may not want anyone else to know, that maybe feel shameful or wrong to us. Our thoughts and feelings can seem weird or scary. We may even think about things that we actually don’t like or seem wrong to us. Most often, this is normal. This is how we process and understand our world. We can’t always control our thoughts or feelings. Sometimes they seem to come from nowhere or don’t represent our values, beliefs, or even our experiences.
However, when these thoughts and feelings start to influence our behaviors, then it is time to seek professional support and help. (That said, we don’t believe that people who do bad things are bad people. They just need help to be accountable and to be safe. People are way more than “good” or “bad.” It is just so much more complicated than that.)
See Blog: “Am I a monster?”
It can be scary and even feel isolating to worry about your own sexual thoughts and behaviors towards and with younger children but anyone who has these thoughts does not have to figure it out alone. Help, support, and understanding are available! Having these feelings doesn’t mean that you are at risk to hurt a child, but it is important to understand more about yourself so that you can live a safe, happy, and fulfilling life.
Why do people have sexual thoughts about younger children?
There is no one reason why a person may have sexual thoughts about younger children. Although there is still debate about how they develop, our sexual attractions are thought to be primarily biological in nature and not something we choose, and it is not always possible to change them, however people do report that things they’ve experienced in their life have influenced their sexual attractions. These life experiences can include:
One’s own experience with abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, or neglect
Exposure to highly sexualized material or behaviors, particularly at young ages
Mental health issues
Lack of information about healthy sexual development
Having sexual thoughts and/or feelings about children doesn't make someone a monster or a bad person - and a single, one-time thought about a younger child sexually doesn’t mean that a person is sexually attracted to children. However, it is wrong and illegal to act on these feelings, and people who are attracted to children do have a special responsibility to make sure that they are always staying safe and non-abusive towards children, and that includes seeking professional help as needed.
If you have questions, text us at 1.888.532.0550 to start a confidential conversation. It is important and helpful to talk about your feelings, get the support you need, and learn how to control your behaviors when these feelings come up. Understanding and support is available - you are not alone!
Our FAQ: Am I at risk to harm a child because of my thoughts? below might help to answer any additional questions you might have about your own thoughts and feelings in the meantime.
Am I at risk to harm a child because of my thoughts?
It takes a lot of courage and concern for others to ask this question - thank you for having the bravery to ask. And you should know that there are people who have these thoughts regularly, but are committed to never causing harm...and never do.
So the answer is - not necessarily. Having a thought, maybe even a fantasy, is not illegal. Not everyone who has sexual thoughts about children will harm a child. But if you are struggling or having uncomfortable sexual thoughts or fantasies about younger children now is the time to reach out for help.
People do not act on everything they think - sometimes people don’t even agree with or like everything that comes into their thoughts. And sometimes our thoughts are just a way to process information and events. For example, some people have thought about someone that treated them disrespectfully getting hurt. They are not bad for thinking that and they aren’t planning to act on it and hurt anyone. They are just thoughts that allow for venting, processing, and understanding.
We all have the capacity to make good decisions. So, if you are concerned that your thoughts will determine your behavior, please know that you can be safe and not act on your thoughts. Reaching out for help on how to manage sexual thoughts and arousal is a great step in that direction.
It can also be helpful and informative to you to notice how often and how intense the fantasies are. Many people who have sexually harmed a child say that they started out by having sexual fantasies about children. They said if only they could have “fast-forwarded” their lives and seen the impact that they would have on themselves and others that they would not have acted on their fantasies, and would have reached out for help and support.
On the other hand, there are people who recognize their fantasies do indicate their own sexual attraction to children and who are committed to never acting on these thoughts or feelings. They understand that sex with children is not OK, and that they can and do have a happy, fulfilled, “normal” life, with friends, a career, hobbies, interests and more!
If you are attracted to people younger than you, you’re not alone and support is available. And you matter. Good, kind people can struggle with really uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. You’re not alone and we can help.
Check out our blog, “Wondering about sexual thoughts involving younger children” for more information, and reach out to our free, confidential Helpline at 844.WHATSOK with any questions about your own thoughts, feelings and interests.
Is there help for someone who has sexual interest in children?
Absolutely. There are places to get help and support if you feel attracted to or have sexual thoughts about children. Know that you are not alone! We are here to help. Below are steps you can take right now and resources to support you. And also check out our Blog “How can I deal with sexual feelings that I think could be harmful?”
First, it’s important to know that just because you have had a sexual thought about children doesn’t mean you are destined to sexually harm a child. Be sure to read the other FAQs on this page to understand whether your thoughts might be harmful and why you might be having them.
Types of Support
First, tap into the people around you who are safe and care about you. A good place to start may be to think about the people or groups in your life who can support you, such as a trusted family member, friend, or guidance counselor. Maybe you are not able to share the specifics about what you are trying to manage, but you can ask them to be available should you need someone to call or text during a tough time, or to encourage you to participate in safe social activities with peers. It could even be a teacher, coach, or faith leader whom you feel comfortable with that you check in with when you need it. They can still offer support in many other ways.
Write these names down, and reach out when you are struggling and ask them to be there for you. Leaning on people you trust can be vital when you are struggling with any major stressor, and this is no different. This might feel difficult, but it can be a critical step in getting access to the right resources. This might be especially true if you are under 18 yourself.
Check out our FAQs on Finding Help.
Professional Support
There are also caring professionals who can help you look more deeply at your thoughts or feelings, develop safe and healthy coping skills, and be sure that you never act out those feelings or harm a child. Generally therapy for this type of concern is specialized, so we do recommend seeking out a specialized therapist who works with youth or adults who have sexual behavior concerns, or at the very least, look for a therapist who works in the field of sexuality and understands healthy sexual development.
Contact our confidential Helpline for support and guidance to explore what types of professional support is available and how to locate it. Our blog “How do I talk to my therapist about feeling sexually attracted to children?” might help to answer some of your questions in the meantime about what this kind of specialized therapy might look like and what you can expect.
Plan for Safety
It will be important to also think about creating a safety plan. A safety plan involves creating boundaries for yourself and avoiding triggering situations. By developing a safety plan, you are taking responsibility for protecting younger children around you by identifying safe people and activities that you can turn to at times that you are struggling or feeling at-risk.
Our blogs “What is safety planning?” and “What should I do if I am trying to avoid triggering situations?” go into more detail about creating a plan and specific steps you can take.
Most important - just by asking this question, you’re taking the right steps. It may not be easy to always make safe decisions about behaviors, but no one has to do this alone and support is available. Text WHATSOK to 1.888.532.0550 for confidential help.
Are people who are sexually abused more likely to sexually abuse someone else?
No. Research actually shows us that the majority of people who have been sexually abused do not go on to harm others.
That said, anyone who has experienced any kind of trauma or abuse often needs and deserves help and support. That might include working with a professional to explore what safe behaviors look like, since a person who has only experienced abusive relationships and behaviors might not know what safe relationships look like. Being abused can make things like relationships, safety, decision making, mental health and/or physical wellbeing more of a struggle than for someone who hasn’t experienced sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can affect how you think, feel, or react to the world around you. But everyone’s experience is unique and personal.
In some cases, someone who has experienced trauma or abuse may engage in behavior that sexually harms another youth. Sometimes, a person who has been sexually abused doesn't understand safe behaviors and may think that harming someone is how sex happens. Or maybe they are mimicking what happened to them as a way to try to figure out their own experience. No matter the reason, sexually harming someone is still not OK.
If you experienced sexual abuse, rest assured that you are NOT destined to turn out "like the person who abused you". We’ve heard from many others who are wondering this same thing, so we talked about this more in our blog “I was abused. Am I an abuser now?” This might help to give you some peace of mind.
Healing from sexual abuse is possible. Reach out to our helpline if you need support because you were abused or with any other questions about the impacts of sexual abuse.
Am I a bad person because I sexually harmed a child when I was younger?
No, you are not a bad person. There are many reasons why a kid may cross a sexual boundary or sexually harm another child. But none of them mean that you are a bad person. Ultimately, a child who crosses a sexual boundary deserves understanding, compassion, and an opportunity to learn safer behaviors.
People struggling to understand their harmful sexual behaviors as kids often want to know if this makes them someone who will go on to abuse others. It’s important to know that a child with problematic sexual behavior can grow up to be a sexually safe person. It’s important that everyone understands what healthy and safe behavior looks like, explores why these behaviors might have happened as a child, and learns how to take meaningful action steps now to be safe.
Reflecting back on our behaviors as younger children is not easy, and it can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. This can leave a person wondering what to do next. You’ve already taken such a brave step by asking these questions, and now you can decide how to move forward in a way that feels safe for everyone.
Check out our blog “I can’t stop feeling guilty about something I did with my brother when we were little” and reach out to our helpline to learn more about how to navigate your next steps. This can understandably feel overwhelming, so our counselors are here to support you and offer guidance.
Is it normal to have a sexual fetish?
It’s great that you are here asking these questions! It can feel isolating to be worried about your own fantasies and whether they are “abnormal”.
What is a fetish?
Before we answer this question, let’s define “fetish”. A fetish is the feeling of sexual excitement in response to an object or body part that’s not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet. Every person is different, and what may be sexually arousing to one person, may not be to another. Some people who have a fetish feel that they can only be turned on when that fetish is available to them, or feel that they need a certain situation or circumstance to happen in order to feel turned on or aroused.
So, having a sexual fetish is often normal...and yes, it can become a problem. Like any other sexual interests and activities, you want to take the time to get to know yourself and act responsibly. Asking questions of yourself like, “What about this turns me on?” and thinking about how much you want this fetish to be a part of your sex life are important. And certainly if you are wanting to include this fetish in any sexual activity, you need to have a conversation with your sexual partner about this, get their consent and respect their wishes. It’s important for those participating to have conversations about where their boundaries are and for everyone to respect each other's preferences and limits.
For instance, someone might only feel aroused when their partner wears bunny pajamas when they engage in sex, and identify this as a fetish. And as long as the partner consents, then this is acceptable sexual behavior.
Can a sexual fetish become a problem?
Having a sexual fetish is often normal, and it can become a problem for some people.
Like with any other sexual interests and activities, you want to take time to get to know yourself and act responsibly. Ask yourself questions like, “What about this turns me on?” and think about how much you want this fetish to be a part of your sex life.
And certainly if you want to include this fetish in any sexual activity you need to have a conversation with your sexual partner about this, get their consent, and respect their wishes. It’s important that everyone participating has conversations about where their boundaries are, and it’s important that everyone respects each other's preferences and limits.
Like with any behavior or activity in our lives, the more aware you can be of how this particular fetish is affecting your life, the more you can be in control, and the safer everyone is. So pay attention to warning signs, like whether it is interfering with other areas of your life, beginning to feel compulsive, or if you are feeling ashamed or guilty. We recently heard from someone who had this very question, which we shared in our blog “Is my sexual fetish a problem?”
It may feel embarrassing to talk about fetishes and similar sexual questions, but we’re here to help you ask the right questions and find information to help you make safe decisions. Contact our helpline if you have any questions or want more information.
Is it OK to have fantasies with sexual violence in them?
This is a great question, and it is good to pay attention when violence and sex are connected. The answer to this question is that it depends.
It’s not unusual for people to have a violent sexual thought or fantasy every so often; it’s what we do with them that matters. For some people, this is a normal part of their fantasy life, and they understand there are some things they may think about that cannot be played out in real life. Other people may notice that they start fantasizing about playing out these violent scenarios in real life in ways that are non-consensual and harmful to the other person, or that they have feelings that keep getting stronger.
Porn websites and social media often make various forms of violence seem okay or acceptable. Their intention is often to make you curious and keep you focused on them. Offline, however, the people you meet in real life will almost never want force or violence.
If you’re noticing any of the following things on this list in yourself, seeking help - including reaching out to our helpline - can be your next step. We’re here to be your ally when you ask difficult questions like these.
Have you noticed that:
Your sexual interests changed all of a sudden or after a traumatic event
Your fantasies keep getting more and more violent
You find that you’re angry at the same time as you are having this thought or fantasy
Your fantasies are occupying more and more of your time
Your thoughts include sexually hurting others - adults, children or animals - in real life
You have started to plan “mock scenarios”
You can’t enjoy sex or sexual behaviors without it being paired with violence or pain
You have been withdrawing from your typical routines, activities and friendships
You feel shame, guilt or fear around what you think about sexually
Your pornography use has escalated or has become more and more extreme (see our blog “How will I know when my porn use has become a problem?” for more information)
Many who have these fantasies come to decide that they’re just fantasies and they don’t ever want to act on them. Many people simply notice them when they arise and stay committed to staying kind to and connected with others. Answering “yes” to one or several of these questions does not mean you’re a bad person, but this can be an important time to get help. Many people have questions about their sexual thoughts - you’re not the only one, but you shouldn’t keep this all to yourself.
Here are 3 things you can do if you’re concerned about your violent fantasies:
Contact our helpline
Ask a trusted adult or friend for help and support
Ask your caregiver(s) to find you a therapist, or if you are 18+ start looking for a therapist on your own