How can I deal with sexual feelings that I think could be harmful?

First, it’s helpful to remember that in adolescence, we experience sexual feelings toward a lot of different things and situations. That’s just because of where we are at with hormonal development. Those sexual feelings might not have anything to do with who or what is arousing to us (who/what turns us on). It can feel very confusing at the moment, but it is often normal. There are absolutely ways to deal with these feelings - being in control of them, and to feel and stay safe. And there is support to help you with these so you don’t have to figure this out alone! 

You don’t need to feel ashamed. In fact, feeling shame and isolating yourself can lead to depression and anxiety - which can actually increase unwanted feelings and thoughts. It is critical that you have support - someone you trust and that can help you as you figure this out.

Sometimes it’s helpful to think about a sexual fantasy and/or other things that make us feel aroused (turned on) the same way we think about a dream. If we eat a shoe in a dream, it does not necessarily mean we want to eat a shoe! A thought or two about something concerning isn’t a big deal. But if you’re worried about yourself, you can always talk to a therapist. In fact, this is a good idea - you always deserve to have a safe and confidential place to talk privately about your thoughts and feelings.

If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, it’s important to get professional support.

Like we said, sexual thoughts and feelings aren’t necessarily harmful. But acting on sexual thoughts and feelings can be harmful depending on the person and scenario. And feeling like you’re obsessed with these thoughts and feelings, especially when it feels like they are interfering with other things in your life, like getting enough sleep or still participating in fun activities, is problematic.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. There are people who are experienced in helping young people particularly figure out their sexual thoughts and feelings - respectfully and confidentially. If you can’t seem to stop thinking about things that seem harmful, or maybe are illegal or just seem wrong for some reason, working with a therapist to help you better understand what you’re feeling and thinking is a great next step. And if you’re thinking about harming yourself or someone else, it’s critical that you talk to a therapist.

The WhatsOK helpline is here to offer some really helpful ways you can manage any difficult thoughts or feelings in the moment, but this is not a replacement for working with a counselor. With a therapist, you get the space to understand more about the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you, that worry you, and you may also get other coping tools that are right for you. 

Our FAQs “Where do I get help if I am under 18?” and “Where can I get help for my sexual thoughts about children (as an adult)?” both talk about ways that you can find specialized professional support. 

In the meantime, here are some ways that others have told us have been helpful for them in managing thoughts and feelings in the moment.

Planning for Safety

Although you cannot control when they come up, you do not need to encourage feelings that worry you. When you are aware that you are thinking about something that you don’t want to, pay attention to the feelings and thoughts you’re having, but without judging yourself or putting yourself down. Often our thoughts, fantasies and even being “turned on” won’t last long if we don’t focus on it. The thoughts just go away. 

Don’t seek out images of things that you know are arousing but also concern you. For example, if you are thinking about what it would feel like to force someone to be sexual, don’t act on those thoughts. Don’t look for images online that show this kind of harmful situation. You don’t need to put real images to your thoughts and feelings.

You may also want to distract yourself. Look at your environment, notice the furniture, the smells, the sounds. Think about something that you enjoy, that makes you feel happy and safe. Again, there is no need to judge yourself. Just observe yourself and then see how to gently let go of the thoughts and feelings that are bothering you at that moment.

You can also list out activities that you know bring you joy - exercise, music, cooking, anything. Try to distract yourself with one of these activities. Sometimes a distraction can be helpful, particularly if the arousal you are feeling feels upsetting and problematic. Then make a plan to get involved in that activity. 

Please know that these tips are for temporary distraction, and while they can help you manage your thoughts and feelings, they are not a replacement for a therapist. 

You may have heard that expression, “One day at a time”... well, this is kind of like that. You might successfully distract yourself in one moment from feeling sexually aroused about something that makes you uncomfortable, and then the next day, the feeling is back. That’s ok and normal. The important thing is to again pay attention, identify some activities to help quiet down those feelings – and to ask for help. 

If you are an adult, it may be helpful for you to look at this tip sheet, Worried About Yourself. Again, this is not a substitute for getting support from a counselor or other professional, but these ideas for dealing with high risk situations when you are troubled about by your sexual thoughts or feelings may be helpful.

It will get easier over time and we can support you. Text our helpline to talk confidentially.