When Steve Waugh's thoughts stray from his campaign to take the real Ashes urn back to Australia, he imagines lifting the replica above his head instead. A piece of Waterford Crystal might not possess the same appeal but, if that is what is presented after the Oval Test, Waugh wants to be the captain to collect it - if only so he can smash it into a thousand pieces.
Waugh rated his chances of playing today as "about 50-50',' which suggested he will listen gravely to medical advice not to risk it - and then mutter "stuff it" and take the field anyway. Australia might have complimented Adam Gilchrist on the adventurous leadership that ended with an England victory at Headingley but from the outset today, wilder ambitions will be tempered and Waugh wants to be the man to temper them.
Michael Slater has suffered much of the fall-out from the Headingley defeat. His scintillating innings in the first Npower Test at Edgbaston set the tone for the series, and helped to disguise the unconvincing form that followed. Australia, though, have noticed. Slater's omission - which will probably be followed by that of Brett Lee this morning - is a deliberate assault on complacency.
Slater is already well into a career as a TV pundit, a talented and personable one admittedly but one whose alternative employment has begun before its time. He has interviewed his own team-mates for Channel 4 this summer and even revealed on a Sydney radio station that he had been dropped before the team had officially been announced.
Slater's social appetite attracts its share of criticism and he was fined at Headingley for missing the team bus after a late night. However, much as Waugh and Slater insisted that poor form was the sole reason for his omission, the link will still be made. "I hope we are living in a bigger world than that," Slater said. "There are others who have missed the bus this series." Well, yes, England for a start.
There has never been a season where the blurring of roles between commentator and those commented upon has been so pronounced, and Slater, dropped by Australia for the second time at 31, should ponder whether he has become a TV celebrity or victim.
His is not the only dual role that invites unease. Lancashire's captain, John Crawley, had a heated row last week with Paul Allott, a member of the county's cricket committee, for criticising his captaincy on Sky TV.
Even more nonsensical was Channel 4's decision to use Leicestershire's chief executive James Whitaker to explain during the C&G Trophy semi-final how wonderful Leicester's pitch was. The time is nigh when TV will abandon all pretence at journalistic independence, mike up the players and officials and let them all drown us in the platitudes of their choosing.
Slater duly provided some yesterday. "I've had plenty of tough days," he said. "I've had time overnight to think about things and I'm in a good frame of mind. It's just another one of those hurdles in a career that you have to work through. I've been there before and I believe I came back a better player, a better person. And I believe that this time, when I come back, I'll be a better player and a better person for it.
"I've underachieved on this tour. I've got all the faith in the world in the leadership of this team. I'm part of this team and I have to accept it."
Justin Langer, Slater's replacement, has had a dreadful tour, never recovering from his misfortune in being dropped for the opening Test at Edgbaston, but his dedication has been unwavering.
For all Lee's magazine-cover fame, he has been the least successful fast bowler of the series, with his wickets costing more than 50. Colin Miller's blend of off-spin and off-cutters would give Australia additional slow-bowling support for Shane Warne. The Test sponsors, Npower, failed last week with an audacious, and presumably serious, attempt to persuade Miller to dye his hair in the company logo.
Waugh had his first strenuous workout yesterday and a discernible limp soon afterwards, although any lingering pain from his torn calf will probably just make him more dangerous than usual. "I'm batting no problem in the nets, it's whether I can run fully between the wickets and field OK," was his assessment.
Australia might have closed ranks around Gilchrist but it is tempting to believe that Waugh might have made the enterprising declaration and then successfully adjusted his sights. A laconic gum chew here, and a defensive fielding shift there might even have shifted the balance in Australia's favour. Instead his last memory of the Ashes series remains being carried off on a stretcher to the cat-calls of the Trent Bridge crowd. He will suspect that history has cheated him. For Steve Waugh, winner of five successive Ashes series, that is not a way to go.
England v Australia at the Oval
Total
Tests 32: England 15, Australia 5, drawn 12.
England
Highest total 903 for 7 dec (1938)
Lowest total 52 (1948)
Highest individual innings Len Hutton, 364 in 1938
Best bowling George Lohmann, 7 for 36 in 1886
Biggest win An innings and 579 runs (1938)
Australia
Highest total 701 (1934)
Lowest total 44 (1896)
Highest individual innings Bill Ponsford, 266 in 1934
Best bowling Hugh Trumble, 8 for 65 in 1902
Biggest win 562 runs (1934)
Australia have not won at the Oval since 1972.
In 1880, in the first Test played in England, WG Grace scored 152, England's first Test century.
England's victory by an innings and 579 runs in 1938 is the biggest winning margin in any Test.
This will be the 12th time that Australia have gone into the final Test at The Oval with the Ashes already secure. Only Bradman's side in 1948 have won in such circumstances; England have won four times.
Compiled by Nick Mason