Man Asks Internet for Advice Over Dying Sister-in-Law 'Ruining' His Wedding

A man preparing to marry his fiancee has turned to the internet for advice on a horrific family situation: stopping his dying sister-in-law from "ruining" their wedding.

Speaking to Newsweek, the man asked to remain anonymous and be referred to only as John. He gave the pseudonyms Harriet for his fiancee and Linda for his sister-in-law.

John explained Linda recently received the news she only has around a year to live after being diagnosed with terminal cancer some years ago. She was told at the time she would not live much longer, and John and Harriet visited her in her home country to say their goodbyes.

But miraculously, Linda pulled through. As the years passed, she joined her sister and brother-in-law in New Zealand and was with them as they began planning their wedding.

But with the big day coming up, she received the devastating news that new tumors were found. Naturally devastated, Linda began lashing out, telling the couple they were not allowed to talk about their wedding in front of her and making the day "about her."

John told Newsweek he went to Reddit for advice as a last resort, for "opinions from people who weren't emotionally invested," as his family and friends could be "harsh," and he was trying to keep them away from the drama.

He wrote in a post on the AITAH subreddit, referring to the sister-in-law as B: "My partner has always kind of lived in her older sister's shadow, so she was really excited to be celebrated and made a fuss of for once. But B has told everyone about her diagnosis, and has started saying 'This is the last time I will see most of you.' Now the focus is completely off my partner and our wedding, and is absolutely about B."

Claiming Linda has been going "out of her way" to ensure family traveling to the wedding spend "as much time with her as possible" while still refusing to have the wedding spoken about in her presence, John said one thing, in particular, was a "big issue."

Linda, a wife and mom of young children, got married during the pandemic and never got a father-daughter dance. She wants to have that dance at her sister's wedding to an extremely sad song.

"I have said no because my partner wanted to say no but felt too guilty, so I had to be the bad guy. I also told my partner that if we're not to talk about our wedding around her sister, then I don't want her sister talking about her dying around us," he wrote on the post, asking the internet if he was wrong to feel this way.

New York City-based relationship and family therapist Stephanie Manes told Newsweek that John's issue is "a no-win situation."

Suggesting honesty was the best policy, she acknowledged it is "much harder to actually do. But I wonder what a gentle but heartfelt talk with his SIL, explaining their worries, might yield."

"It's scary to talk about death, especially with the person facing it," she said. "They could tell her that they really understand her wish to have the chance to say goodbye to all of these important people. And at the same time, this is hopefully their one wedding, and they want it to be joyous."

Manes suggested the couple could find a way, with the sister-in-law's involvement, to "allow a moment of goodbye and a celebration. Perhaps they could still take advantage of having all the family in town and have an intimate gathering before or after the wedding."

"Of course, if they really are worried that her impending passing will overshadow their wedding, they might have to postpone it. Unfortunately, we really don't have much control over the timing of death. But we can control what we do to make the most of it."

On John's post, shared on June 22 and which has over 9,000 upvotes, users also said that he was not in the wrong. Hundreds of Redditors gave advice, with one suggesting the sister-in-law be assigned someone to look out for her and ensure she did not try to steal the spotlight while also allowing her the dance at a specific time.

Others suggested giving the sister-in-law a particular day to "saturate" her with attention, either a few days before or after the wedding, when the family from abroad was still around, or giving her the father/daughter dance at the rehearsal dinner.

Some also stated that the couple should ban the sister from the wedding entirely.

John told Newsweek that he and his fiancee "both feel very cruel holding these angry feelings toward her sister who is dying, but at the same time, we needed a reality check one way or the other."

Confirming he was "piecing together" a plan from some of the recurring advice he received from users, he said it was "helpful, but it was also hard to read the cruel things being said about my loved ones," even if it wasn't unexpected.

"But it has gotten to the point now where it is really impacting our wedding so I needed help thinking of what to do," he said.

"I do love my sister-in-law very dearly because I don't have my own sisters, and I see her as my little sister."

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