The Tough Guide to Fantasyland Quotes

“Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the Dark Lord are only half an hour behind. They never otherwise stumble. Nor do they ever make life difficult for Tourists by biting or kicking their riders or one another. They never resist being mounted or blow out so that their girths slip, or do any of the other things that make horses so chancy in this world. For instance, they never shy and seldom whinny or demand sugar at inopportune moments. But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a valley while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are. Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no stallion ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination. This theory seems to account for everything, since it is clear that the creatures do behave more like vegetables than mammals. Nomads appears to have a monopoly on horse-breeding. They alone possess the secret of how to pollinate them.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Settle for what you can get, but first ask for the World.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Slender Youth. A tour companion who may be either a lost prince or a girl/princess in disguise. In the latter case it is tactful to pretend you think she is a boy. She/he will be ignorant, hasty and shy, and will need hauling out of trouble quite a lot. But she/he will grow up in the course of the Tour. In fact she/he will be the only Companion who will change in any way. Quite often, she/he will soon exhibit a very useful talent for magic and end up by hauling everyone else out of trouble. But this will not be until midway through your second brochure.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“SAGE. A wise and Holy man who died a long time ago. No one modern qualifies.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped as a child. Or both. Somehow this inspired her to become a mercenary and she is very good at her job. You can rely on her absolutely in a fight. She can usually kill two people at once while guarding your back in between. The rest of the time, she will irritate you with lots of punctilious weapons cleaning and a perpetual insistence that a proper watch be kept. Mostly, she will have no magic talents, but sometimes, in an emergency, she will come up with a gift or vision. You will end up grudgingly admiring her.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Doras II was a somewhat absentminded king, It is said, when Death came to summon him, Doras granted Death the usual formal audience and then dismissed him from his presence. Death was too embarrassed to return until many years later- Ka'a Orto'o, Gnomic Utterances”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Small Man can be a very funny or a very tiresome Tour Companion, depending on how this kind of thing grabs you. He gambles, he drinks too much and he always runs away. Since the Rules allow him to make Jokes, he will excuse his behaviour in a variety of comical ways. Physically he is stunted and not at all handsome, although he usually dresses flamboyantly. He tends to wear hats with feathers in. You will discover he is very vain. But, if you can avoid smacking him, you will come to tolerate if not love him. He will contrive, in some cowardly way, to play a major part in saving the world.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Settle for what you can get, but first ask for the World. - Ka'a Ort'o, Gnomic Utterances, Civ”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“City of Wizards is normally quite a GOOD thing, since only Good WIZARDS seem able to live together. . . .There have been cities of EVIL Wizards in the past. You will occasionally come across the sites of these, reduced to a glassy slag during the ultimate disagreement.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“NUNNERIES: The Rule is that any Nunnery you approach, particularly if you are in dire need of rest, Healing, or provisions, will prove to have been recently sacked. You will find the place a smoking ruin littered with corpses. You will be shocked and wonder who could have done such a thing. Your natural curiosity will shorty be satisfied, because there is a further Rule that there will be one survivor, either a very young NOVICE or a very old nun, who will give you a graphic account of the raping and burning and the names of the perpetrators. If old, she will then die, thus saving you from having to take her along and feed her from your dwindling provisions; if a Novice, she will either die likewise or prove to be not as nunnish as you at first thought, in which case you may be glad to have her along.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“BRIDGES. The Rule is that, when being pursued by the forces of Darkness, you are going to need to cross a Bridge, and there will be no Bridge. While the Tour is waiting to find a way across, the forces of the Dark have time to catch up. Even if there is supposed to be a Bridge on the route, you are likely to arrive to find it broken — whereupon the forces of the Dark gain steadily again. The only Bridges sure to be still in place are ANCIENT ENGINEERING PROJECTS, and they will be huge, with, as soon as you get to the middle, a tendency to develop a small but impassible gap right at the apex.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Barbarian Horde
This will be lot and lots of wild-screaming people advancing under a cloud of dust in order to devestate more civilized parts. They are a bit like locusts, except that they kill people direcly.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“FOOD: See STEW, SCURVY, STEW, WAYBREAD (also known as Journey Cake) and STEW - though there are occasional BIRDS, FISH, RABBITS and pieces of cheese. Generally the diet is an unvaried one, although MARSH DWELLERS can work wonders with ROOTS. Puddings are unknown except occasionally in the Courts of KINGS. Tourists who suffer from diabetes should be quite safe.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Entery Ships
The rule say that Pirate ships are faster then anything - except the Barbery vikings, when on the side of good can overtake even Pirates.
Se also Boats and Galleys.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“FOREST OF DOOM: This is usually the home of mobile and prehensile TREES. There will e giant SPIDERS too, and Dwellers near the centre who will want to SACRIFICE any stranger to their God. It is best to avoid the place if possible. But the Management usually insists on sending you there. An OLD RUINED CITY is sometimes situated in the heart of this Forest.
See also WOODS.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“FORSEEING: Foreseeing is done by those MAGIC USERS with the GIFT of looking into the future, quite often MYSTICAL MASTERS. It is done unasked. Indeed, most people would rather not know. But unlike the other forms of PROPHECY, this is usually very obscure, although quite accurate. Tourists should not lose sleep over it. Whatever is Foreseen is going to happen anyway.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland

“Entry: Barbary Vikings
Where horned Helmets and fur Cloaks; otherwise you could misstake them for Northern Barbarians. They swagger hughly, quarrel hughly, drink hughly and boast hughly.
They thing they like the best is killing people, particulary lots at once. If a Barbary viking goes berserk, he will kill even more freely. Stand clear if one does.
All of them are excelent seamen. Their Boats have square sails and lines of Shields down the sides.
Quite often, the Managment employs them as Pirates because they are good at raping and looting and burning.
But on some Tours they appears as allies of a rather wilful kind, and will take Tourist for a sail.
At home, which are somewhere quite northerly, they have a King, who is Good and to whom they are viciously loyal, and they womenfolk whom you scarly se at all because they are all at home berring warrios. Barbary vikings are even maler then Anglo-Saxoon cossacks.”
― Diana Wynne Jones, The Tough Guide to Fantasyland