Hilarity Quotes

“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.

"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”
― Mark Twain

“John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”.....
..."Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“You want to know the story? I'd be happy to tell you. I think I have just enough caloric energy stored up to make it through the telling of the tale. It's short. I am monstrously fat. I am a glutton. My wife was disgusted and repulsed. She gave me six months to lose one hundred pounds. I joined Weight Watchers . . . see it there, right across the street, that gaunt storefront? This afternoon was the big six-month weigh-in. So to speak. I had gained almost seventy pounds in the six months. An errant Snickers bar fell out of the cuff of my pants and rolled against my wife's foot as I stepped on the scale. The scale over there across the street is truly an ingenious device. One preprograms the desired new weight into it, and if one has achieved or gone below that new low weight, the scale bursts into recorded whistles and cheers and some lively marching-band tune. Apparently, tiny flags protrude from the top and wave mechanically back and forth. A failure--see for instance mine--results in a flatulent dirge of disappointed and contemptuous tuba. To the strains of the latter my wife left, the establishment, me, on the arm of a svelte yogurt distributor whom I am even now planning to crush, financially speaking, first thing tomorrow morning. Ms. Beadsman, you will find an eclair on the floor to the left of your chair. Could you perhaps manipulate it onto this plate with minimal chocolate loss and pass it to me.”
― David Foster Wallace, The Broom of the System

“Conner raised an eyebrow. 'Who told you that?'

'Well,' she said, not knowing how to describe what she experienced. 'Um . . . a moth did.'

Conner squinted at her and his mouth fell open. He was expecting a much better answer than that. 'A moth told you?'

'Yes -- but it wasn't a regular moth, it was more like an angel.'

'An angel moth?'

'Well, it came from somewhere in the stars. I think Grandma sent it.'

'Grandma sent you an angel moth from outer space?'

'Kind of! Anyway, the moth took me to a forest and then turned into a bunch of orbs that re-created a memory -- stop looking at me like that, Conner!”
― Chris Colfer

“Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say:
Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.”
― Chip Kidd, The Learners

“Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen”
― Olivia Cunning, Tie Me

“There's no way you could last a sit-down with Luther. He'd end up exorcising you when you snapped."
"It could be entertaining," Neil said. "It could be," Andrew allowed.
"Let's all go," Neil said. "Aaron will agree for Nicky's sake and Nicky can see if his parents have come around. There's no way you'll let Kevin that far out of your sights, so take him with you. I'll tag along so you can harass me instead of Luther. Imagine how uncomfortable Nicky's parents will be if they have to contend with the five of us."
"Or we could stay here."
"Not as interesting," Neil said.
"Appealing to my nonexistent attention span is a cheap trick," Andrew said.
"But is it effective?"
"You wish it was."
"Please?"
"I hate that word."
"Does your shrink know you have a grudge against half of the English language?" Neil asked, but Andrew only grinned.”
― Nora Sakavic, The Raven King

“JAY: No really. Be secure. Pretend I'm a sperm cell. Here. I take the string out of the... hood of my sweatshirt, affix it to my behind for a tail, like so...

LENORE: What in God's name are you doing?

JAY: Pretend, Lenore. Be an ovum. Be strong. Let me hypothetically batter at you. Batter batter. Surrender to the unreal of the real interior.

LENORE: Are you supposed to be a sperm, wriggling your sweatshirt-string like that?

JAY: I can feel the strength of your membrane, Lenore.”
― David Foster Wallace, The Broom of the System

“The eyes are the nipples of the face”
― Anna Faris

“You're wearing a bow tie," I said necessarily.
He glanced over at me. "Mom said I had to dress up for this."
I heard a low snort of laughter coming through the open window above the sink.
And I knew.
I stalked over to the window and looked outside.
There, sitting spread out on the grass, were the rest of the Bennetts.
Goddamn fucking werewolves.
"Hello, Ox," Elizabeth said without a jint of shame. "Lovely day, isn't it?"
"I will deal with you late," I said.
Ooh," Carter said. "I actually got chills from that."
"We're just here for support," Kelly said. "And to laugh at how embarrassing Joe is."
"I heard that!" Joe shouted from behind me.
I banged my head on the windowsill.
"Maggie," Joe said. Then, "May I call you Maggie?"
"Sure." My mother sound like she was enjoying this. The traitor. "You can call me Maggie."
"Good," Joe glanced down at his card berfore looking back up at my mother. " There comes a time in every werewolf's life when he is of age to make certain decisions about his future."
I wondered if I threw something at him if it'd distract him enough for me to drag him out of the kitchen. I glanced over my shoulder out the window. Cater waved at me. Like an asshole.
"My future," Joe said, "is Ox."
Ah god, that made me ache. “Is that so?” Mom asked. “How do you figure?” “He’s really nice,” Joe said seriously. “And smells good. And he makes me happy. And I want to do nothing more than put my mouth on him.” “Ah well,” Thomas said. "We tried."
"He's our little snowflake," Elizabeth told him.
"You want to do what?!" I asked Joe incredulously.
He winced. "I didn't mean to say it like that.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“Interesting. Stonecipheco Baby Foods. Not a bad line of products, really. A bit soft and runny for my taste, of course. . . ."

"Well, it's infant food, really, Norman.”
― David Foster Wallace, The Broom of the System

“There is something almost shocking in the notion of so chaste a function carrying this Kantian hurlyburly in her womb.”
― William James, The Principles of Psychology: Volume 1

“Because Mom said it was nice to do and would get on her good side when I asked her if it'd be ok that I kept you for the rest of my life," Joe explained. Then his eyes widened. "Shit. That wasn't supposed to come out like that."
"Oh my god," I said faintly.
"You want to keep him how long now?" Mom asked, squinting at Joe.
"Uhh," Joe said. "crap. This isn't going like I wanted it to. I had everything I needed to say planned out. Hold on."He reached down and pulled a notecard from his pocket. It was rumpled, the corner ripped. He stared down at it, mouth moving silently as he read whatever the hell he'd written on it.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“[…] One night, five men from Nuweiba were travelling past the mountain, and one of them fell behind, and was separated from his companions. As the man – whom we will call Ahmed – wandered in the darkness, wondering where his friends had gone, a beautiful woman suddenly appeared out of the night and blocked his path. She gave him a choice: ‘Sex, or be eaten!’ It was not a difficult decision. As the Bedouins put it, ‘the man did what a man has to do.’ […]”
― Robert W. Lebling, Legends of the Fire Spirits: Jinn and Genies from Arabia to Zanzibar

“She trailed her fingers along the book spines as she wandered around the room. “My father thinks reading is a waste of time.” Hunter thought her father was a waste of space.”
― Larissa Ione

“Everyone laughed their heads off, which is not what literally happened but I like the idea of laughing heads becoming detached from bodies through extreme hilarity, so it was a good way to describe things.”
― Siobhan Dowd, The London Eye Mystery

“Among the compensations of advancing age is a wholesome pessimism which, while it takes the fine edge off whatever triumphs may come to us, has the admirable effect of preventing fate from working off on us any of those gold bricks, coins with strings attached, and unhatched chickens that which ardent youth snatches with such enthusiasm to its subsequent disappointment. As we emerge from the twenties, we grow into a habit of mind which looks askance at fate bearing gifts. We miss perhaps the occasional prize but we also avoid leaping lightheartedly into traps. Ash Marsin had yet to reach the age of tranquil mistrust and when fate seemed to be treating him kindly, he was still young enough to accept such kindnesses on its face value and rejoice in them. --Something Fresh”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“He must have seen me out of the corner of his eye. He turned and grinned at me, and it was Joe, but it was Joe.
So naturally, that's when I walked into the side of the house. The tomatoes in my hand crushed aghainst me. My head hit the wood siding and I thought,
Oh shit.
I stepped back from the house. Bits of tomato fell onto the grass/
Dammit.
I felt my face flushing as I looked back at the Bennett brothers. They all stood there, watching me with a concerned expression on their faces/
"What the hell?" Carter asked. "You know there is a house there right? It's been there. Pretty much forever."
"Uh," I said, my voice dripping lower. I could even stop it. " Hey. Guys. What's up? Just ...picking tomat3es." I crossed my arms over my chest and got tomato on the,. I went to lean against the house, but I was farther away tha n I thought and fell into the house."
"What is even happening right now? Kelly asked.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“she was home when I got there. And so was Joe. Sitting at our kitchen table. Wearing dress pants, a dress shirt. And a bow tie. Which, unbeknownst to me, turned out to be one of my greatest weaknesses. I walked into the kitchen door at the sight of that.”
― T.J. Klune, Wolfsong

“My laughter tickles.
Trills bubble up my throat
and buzz out my nose.
A delightful itch
born of hilarity.
Joy that tingles.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Being Bold: Quotes, Poetry, & Motivations for Every Day of the Year

“However, neither occasion quite matched the levels of hilarity that ensued on the day Mr Miller sat on the corner of his desk and farted it to pieces.”
― Simon Pegg, Nerd Do Well

“In the third cabinet under the counter, she hit the good stuff. “Oh! You have a KitchenAid.”
“If you’re planning on caressing my mixer, you should know that might make my testicles explode,” he said from behind her.
Her cheeks went hot enough to glow. “That would be awkward.”
― Jamie Farrell, Sugared

“I am sorry to say the generality of women who have excelled in wit have failed in chastity.”
― Elizabeth Montagu

“Why are you talking to them, they're not important! Brownnose this one! He can HELP you!”
― Lester Bangs, Main Lines, Blood Feasts, and Bad Taste: A Lester Bangs Reader

“Dr. Varvinsky did not have to worry—he had allowed a slight irregularity, but he was a kind and compassionate young doctor. He understood that it would be too painful for someone like Mitya to find himself surrounded by thieves, swindlers, and murderers, and that he ought to be given a chance to get used to them.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

“Brand new short story writer from Ireland who will become the next “breakthrough” writer. He has all the hallmarks of a wizard storyteller and this book is up there with the very best newcomers”
― Darren Moore, Five Incredible Short Stories