First broadcast 27th October 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Scott Capurro
Jason Manford
Piers Morgan
Kirsty Gallacher
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Scott Capurro
Jason Manford
Piers Morgan
Kirsty Gallacher
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 out of 10 cats, great Scott, it's Scott Gaboro.
00:25Another great Scott, Thirsty Gallaher.
00:29And their captain, John Locke.
00:32And facing them tonight, media mastermind, here's Morgan.
00:37Our friend in the north, Jason Manford.
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:44Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example, a giraffe can clean its own ears with its 21-inch long tongue?
01:02Although Mrs Giraffe has got other plans for this evening.
01:063% of Brits never leave a tip, and they're known as the weirdos that live at the tip.
01:19That was less like a laugh, that was more like a rumour going round the room.
01:24Have you heard about the people at the tip?
01:28And you've got a 1 in 20,000 chance of being murdered in the UK.
01:32We don't know what the figure is for Iraq, we sent a guy over there to do the survey and he hasn't come back.
01:37Let's get started.
01:45What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:48We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:53It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:57Dave, Piers, Jason, what have the nation been talking about this week?
02:00Is it more revelations in the McCartney divorce proceedings?
02:04I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want to be the fellow they introduced then.
02:10Alright, alright.
02:13I introduced Heather Mills to Paul McCartney.
02:15Why?
02:17That's exactly what he's asking.
02:19Don't you think she's awful, Heather Mills? I actually quite stick up for her, but it's awful, isn't it?
02:23He's Paul McCartney, he wrote yesterday. She's Heather Mills.
02:27And today, and he'll probably write tomorrow.
02:30He's a relentless worker.
02:35I think the obvious thing though is that mostly when you meet a very beautiful woman, you've seen there's a catch.
02:40There must be a catch, it can't be this good.
02:43And he thought the catch was the leg.
02:45Oh, it wasn't.
02:47She's incredibly unpopular for someone with one leg.
02:50It's like Blunkett, isn't it? He's blind, you think people like him.
02:53Everyone thinks he's a prick.
02:55I mean, you don't like her, do you?
02:57I used to stand up for her, but people used to say, why? And now you think, why?
03:00Because she couldn't stand up herself.
03:03When you think about it, she hasn't really done anything.
03:06We're all greedy.
03:08She had to haunt that old man, he smells like dust.
03:13This would never have happened to the Stones.
03:16None of the Stones would have ever married a one-legged nutter.
03:23The one thing he said was, she threw a bottle of ketchup at him.
03:26And he's still not got it out of his hair, has he?
03:30But the thing is that I like the way even celebrities can't have an argument without doing some product placement.
03:35You know, it's like, oh, he threw some Heinz ketchup at me.
03:39And then he put some Marmite bottles in a sock and hit me over the head
03:42and tried to choke me with Jaffa Cakes and spray jiff in me eyes.
03:48I mean, I don't know who gets the leg, because...
03:51No, more importantly, who gets a disabled parking voucher?
03:55That's worth ten million.
03:57We're all polling here, who's with Hannah?
04:03Right, OK, well, let's have a look and see whether Paul McCartney is up there.
04:10Yes, the McCartney divorce is getting increasingly bitter.
04:13Heather Mills has denied she's a fantasist in a statement released by her lawyer, Rumpole of the Bailey.
04:20Right, Sean, Kirsty and Scott, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:23I think they've been talking about John Reid's come out tough again.
04:26He's tough on, you know, he's tough on immigration.
04:28He's going to restrict the amount of Romanians and Bulgarians that can come here to work.
04:33Basically, loads of Polish people came over here two or three years ago
04:37and are doing all the jobs like cleaning and building.
04:40They're giving British labourers a bad name, aren't they?
04:42Because they're efficient, on time, cheap, polite.
04:47It's a disgrace. They should all be sent home. It's disgusting.
04:51They can have a £1,000 fine, aren't they, for any Bulgarians caught working.
04:54All they have to do is put on a posh accent, don't they?
04:56They learn to speak very posh English.
04:58You say, are you Bulgarian? Of course I'm not, don't be so ridiculous, man.
05:02How do you think I got this job?
05:05I don't know about you, I only employ Eastern Europeans, if I can possibly do so,
05:10because they just do the job and work hard.
05:12Do you run a brothel? Yeah.
05:21Shall we have a look and see if this is one of the most talked about things of the week?
05:31Right, Dave's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:33I think it's probably the news that the Allied forces are considering a timetable
05:36for withdrawal of troops from Iraq.
05:38Because we've sorted it, haven't we? It's all right, no?
05:42We went in as liberators, they assured us.
05:44Liberate the Iraqi people, kill hundreds of thousands of them,
05:47cause complete mayhem in their country.
05:50It's almost as if this war has done you some sort of personal ill.
05:54It's got to be quick, I got fired over it, all right? I'm pretty bitter about it.
05:58I think we should leave because the whole story has gotten so depressing.
06:04We're going to just get in there and whoosh, and raise the roof,
06:08and bring in some hip-hop, and leave.
06:11That's so messy, you know.
06:13All the language they use, that we're leaving Iraq, like it's some sort of relationship.
06:17It's not you, it's me.
06:20I love you, but I'm just not in love with you.
06:23I just think it'd be a great way of leaving your girlfriend.
06:26I mean, obviously, you'd have to hide that 12 to 18 month timetable.
06:30You'd have to be like, oh, it's routine.
06:32But I think that'd be great.
06:33Obviously, she'd see it and go, oh, what's this?
06:35In May, you're going to start acting like a dickhead, so I leave you.
06:37All right.
06:39The question, of course, is just when you invade her sister.
06:42I mean, Iran.
06:46I think we saw it in George W. Bush's eyes when he spoke over the last couple of days.
06:50I don't think he knows what's going on.
06:52I don't think he's got the attention span for a war this long.
06:54No, I think you're right.
06:56Right, let's have a look and see if Iraq is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:02Yes, it is.
07:03Yes, this is the story that British and American forces are under increasing pressure to leave Iraq.
07:08Blair denied he was clutching at straws as he launched Operation Straw Clutch.
07:14Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week in the news?
07:16Is it the news the NHS are going to refuse to treat smokers unless they give up smoking?
07:21Which is obviously the thin end of the wedge situation.
07:24You know, if you've got gunshot wounds, they'll ask you to leave the mafia.
07:29Or, like, if you're a Top Gear presenter and you can't control a jet car.
07:34They'll say, no more petrol for you.
07:37You idiot.
07:40Poor Blair.
07:41Am I the only one who wishes it was Jeremy Clarkson?
07:48Just because he hit you once, don't cry.
07:51He hit me three times and it didn't hurt, all right?
07:53Did he hit you three times?
07:54Yeah, that's the scar there.
07:56You've got a scar?
07:57Yeah.
07:58And we kept running stories on the Mirror about him cavorting with women who weren't Mrs Clarkson.
08:03And eventually he cornered me at the British Press Awards and smacked me three times in the head.
08:08And after the third one I went, is that...?
08:11Is that got a smattering of applause?
08:14Well done, Jeremy.
08:16Well, ironically, because I didn't hit him back because I thought I'd be sacked.
08:19And then three weeks later I sacked anyway.
08:24I like this idea that they're going to refuse smokers operations.
08:28And a few weeks back it was fat people.
08:30Anybody who was obese or fat.
08:32Don't take it personally, mate.
08:33All right, no, that's all right.
08:35There's a reason you get punched.
08:39Sotting that down, my friend.
08:40So, Piers, do you think the NHS should treat people that smoke?
08:43No. People that smoke should just be shot.
08:47Why not?
08:49Hang on. That's a vote for a police state.
08:54It would make smoking a lot more exciting.
08:56Exactly.
09:02I tell you, sales of mints would go through the fucking roof.
09:06I can tell you, the NHS not treating smokers is not one of the top five stories this week.
09:09But it was in the papers.
09:10Fingers on buzzers. What else should we be talking about this week?
09:14Is it Wayne Rooney and his new £100,000 mega deal with Manchester United?
09:19Don't you love the way that every time Wayne Rooney gets a new deal,
09:21we see a picture within 24 hours of Colleen grinning her head off with 27 bags of shopping.
09:27I've got to say, she's earned it.
09:35The problem with these deals is that they're not launches all these people going,
09:39oh, they get paid too much.
09:40And then the footballers counter up by saying,
09:41yeah, but the fans, they're always shouting nasty things at me.
09:44And you're like, for £100,000 a week,
09:46I'd stay in the middle of the pitch at Wembley for two weeks
09:49and let you shout nasty things at me.
09:51But you're a knobhead!
09:52Yeah, I know. One, two, three.
09:54Hello, can I get an account balance, please?
09:56Your mum's a knobhead, yeah, but you should see her house.
10:03She bought him a £30,000 watch for his birthday,
10:07and a Louis Vuitton man bag,
10:10and a gold set from Argos.
10:14You can take the girl out of Liverpool,
10:15but you can't get the catalogue off her, can you?
10:18She also got him a picture of Robbie Williams' arse.
10:22He's doing a moonie.
10:24And there's a danger that he'll mistake it for a mirror, isn't there?
10:29She thought it was a portrait,
10:30because the eye kept following him round the room.
10:33She got all these brilliant people, Mike Tyson to sign things,
10:36U2, and Blue.
10:39They're not together, are they?
10:41Are Blue not together?
10:43Sorry, Jimmy!
10:44What a way to hear it!
10:46Let's have a look and see if Wayne Rooney's up there.
10:50Yes!
10:51Wayne Rooney turned 21 this week.
10:53He received an Aston Martin Priceless Sporting Memorabilia
10:56and a £30,000 watch.
10:58I'll tell you what, though,
10:59he would have been happier with a tyre and a rope.
11:03We've got one more thing to guess.
11:04Fingers on buzzers.
11:05Sean.
11:06Is it the Richmond Council's decision to charge four-by-fours
11:10lots of money to park?
11:12Tell me more about this. What do you think of it?
11:13I've got one.
11:15But I don't live in London.
11:17And I like it.
11:19You like it?
11:20Yes!
11:21They're the most privileged people in society, usually,
11:23people who have four-by-fours,
11:24and suddenly they're a victim.
11:27It's like,
11:28Why are they picking on me?
11:30Just because I've got a four-by-four!
11:32I think it should be more.
11:33It should be £1,000.
11:35Fuck them.
11:41That seems fair enough.
11:43You get let off the fine and all that,
11:45but they encourage you in these electric cars.
11:47Tell me again, how do you make electricity?
11:49It's not exactly a clean fuel.
11:51It's a way to make electricity.
11:52Those big power stations,
11:53there's thousands of blokes
11:55with full heads of hair and balloons.
12:01There's thousands of them.
12:02Dwarves.
12:03It's funny with dwarves.
12:04Thousands of dwarves.
12:07I think they should call it,
12:08you know, they've got names for these taxis
12:10that they put,
12:11and they should just call it
12:12the wanker tax.
12:14That's a bit harsh.
12:15I know.
12:16They should put that more easy.
12:19That's two-nil, dickhead.
12:22I, er...
12:23I'm defending the pregnant lady.
12:25I started it.
12:26I like the fat guy, go on.
12:28Oh, thanks, mate.
12:31This is like a pub car park.
12:34Leave it, it's not worth it.
12:35Dude!
12:37Let's have a look and see if the new four-by-four tax
12:39is one of the most talked-about things.
12:42Yes, it is.
12:43OK, well, I can tell you,
12:44at the end of that round,
12:45Sean's team have two points,
12:46Dave's team have three points.
12:48The next round is called
12:49the poll with a hole.
12:50Here's your first question.
12:5117% of church leaders think
12:53if Jesus came back to Earth now,
12:55he would what?
12:56Be very old?
12:58He definitely points out
12:59that the Da Vinci Code
13:00is a load of bollocks.
13:03I didn't marry Mary Magdalene.
13:05Moved to France.
13:06I hate France.
13:08I think he'd be a bit too soapboxy.
13:10A little know-it-all-y.
13:11Anything?
13:12No.
13:13Clear what you're on about, Scott.
13:14Do you think if he came back,
13:15he would be sectioned on the first day?
13:18Hello, I'm Jesus Christ.
13:19Right, come with us.
13:21Have a nice cup of tea and a sit-down.
13:23Who's to say I haven't come back?
13:29Yes, I am.
13:30That is an exclusive.
13:31Of course, claiming to be Jesus
13:32is quite insulting to the Christians,
13:33but it doesn't really matter,
13:34they don't take it that seriously.
13:35They're probably out there now thinking,
13:36if I get hold of that Sean Lock,
13:37I'm going to bloody well forgive him.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Yeah.
13:40I'll give you a clue on this one.
13:41It's about his choice of vehicle.
13:43He'd have his own jet.
13:44He'd have hoverboots.
13:47Classic hippie-ish.
13:48Is it a VW van?
13:49VW, yeah.
13:50Exactly the right answer.
13:51Oh!
13:55Yeah, this is 17% of church leaders
13:57think if Jesus came back to Earth now,
13:59he would drive a camper van.
14:00I suppose it's better that Jesus Christ
14:02has a camper van rather than a Yamaha.
14:04I don't know.
14:05I don't know.
14:06I don't know.
14:07I don't know.
14:08I don't know.
14:09I don't know.
14:10Jesus Christ has a camper van rather than a Yamaha.
14:11You don't want him doing his kid and killing a kid
14:12and busting his balls on a dustbin lid.
14:1620% of Brits have sent a text message what?
14:19Is it 20% of Brits have sent a text message
14:21when really a bunch of flowers
14:22and the deepest sympathy card
14:23would have been more appropriate?
14:2620% of Brits have sent a text message
14:28playing the game Fuck You Roulette,
14:30which is where you type fuck you into your text message
14:33and then just go for your contacts, like that.
14:35Is it bringing a kiss at the end of the message, then deleting it, then putting it back on
14:42again afterwards?
14:43Do you ever do that?
14:44No, I should.
14:45Yeah, I will.
14:46No, I won't.
14:47I like it when you do, don't I?
14:50It's to do with what you're wearing.
14:51Naked?
14:52Yeah.
14:53What do you mean, Scott?
14:54I'm naked.
14:55Yes, correct.
14:5620% of Brits have sent a text message whilst naked.
15:01I'm in the boot of a car, just gone over a bridge.
15:04I think I'm passing a quarry.
15:05Sounds like an abattoir.
15:07Send help.
15:08Smiley face.
15:09So, at the end of that round, it is three points for Sean, Kirsty and Scott, four points
15:14for Dave, Piers and Jason.
15:15Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out what causes fights in pubs.
15:16Welcome back, Dave.
15:17Have a seat.
15:18The next round is Believe It or Not.
15:36In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
15:38All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:41Dave, Piers and Jason, you're to go first.
15:42Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
16:12Ah!
16:13Ah!
16:14Ah!
16:15Ah!
16:16Ah!
16:17Ah!
16:18Ah!
16:19Ah!
16:20Ah!
16:21Ah!
16:22Ah!
16:23Ah!
16:24Ah!
16:25Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:28Ah!
16:29Ah!
16:30Ah!
16:31Ah!
16:32Ah!
16:33Ah!
16:34Ah!
16:35Ah!
16:36Ah!
16:37Ah!
16:38Ah!
16:39Ah!
16:40Ah!
16:41Ah!
16:42Ah!
16:45Was that, Piers, was that you and Clarkson at the British Festival?
16:50Here is your related statistic.
16:5223% of fights in bars are caused by pub quizzes.
16:55Do you think that's true or false?
16:58It's at least 23%, I mean, they're ideal, aren't they?
17:00Confrontation, pub quizzes, they're brilliant.
17:02Everybody's in on Happy and Jolly, don't they?
17:04They think up really funny quiz team names, don't they?
17:07don't they, like, Quiz Team Aguilera, that's my favourite.
17:11The worst one for my local pub quiz team is that the quiz host,
17:16he looks like a massive, fat Elvis,
17:19and so our quiz team name is always,
17:21I Look Like A Big Fat Elvis.
17:24So when he runs through the points...
17:31Can you think hand up or not?
17:34It's hard being funny, innit?
17:38I don't know, cos, like, you know when you get an answer right
17:41and it's really, really difficult?
17:43Like, the other night I got this one and it said,
17:45in the human body, what's got a molecular weight of 164,458?
17:48And I knew it was haemoglobin.
17:50Anyway, I knew it was haemoglobin.
17:52Cos I used to work in hospital.
17:54And that's great, nobody else could possibly have got that one right.
17:57And then the quiz master starts giving fucking clues out.
18:00Think of maybe a Homo Goblin.
18:03What?
18:04Don't ever go to Scott in the middle of this.
18:12What sort of pub asks you the atomic weight of haemoglobin?
18:16Are you doing pub quizzes at NASA?
18:19OK, Dave, true or false, what do you think?
18:21We're going to say true.
18:23Well, I can tell you that the answer is in fact false.
18:25Only 3% of fights in bars are caused by pub quizzes.
18:28OK. Sean, Scott and Kirsty,
18:30let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:32Hi, I'm Jody Stolove.
18:34I created Chair Dancing,
18:36the exercise program that can be enjoyed by almost anybody.
18:39For example, a family can exercise together.
18:42Chair Dancing is also a good program for people who exercise at work.
18:46Well, that got us going.
18:48Now stretch your arms side and up,
18:50straighten your body and bring your arms down.
18:53Is that March music I hear?
18:55That's March to the music.
18:57And how about playing the trombone?
19:03Grab your orchestra batons
19:05because we're going to conduct the orchestra.
19:08You know the words.
19:10Sing along.
19:12ALL SING
19:18And let's all say...
19:20ALL SING
19:26I'd like to go into the dragon's den with that idea.
19:30The thing about her chair exercise routine
19:32is it would be much more effective if you stood up.
19:35You can go...
19:37You don't have to be sitting down to do that.
19:39Seems like an ironic thing because that is the sound I would make
19:42if I saw a fat woman waddling along.
19:46Kirsty, you had an exercise video, didn't you?
19:48Oh, God, yes, I did.
19:50What were you wearing in the exercise video?
19:52Were you wearing a unitard?
19:54No, I wasn't. I was wearing shorts.
19:56Because I think unitards sound like people that are a bit special but have a horn.
20:02That's why I like them.
20:04Right, here is your related statistic.
20:06On average, Brits spend 41 years of their lives sitting down.
20:10Is that true or false?
20:12It's not all in one sitting, that would be...
20:14Well, I imagine it's more.
20:16But you do everything. You go to school, you're sitting down.
20:19You watch telly, you're sitting down.
20:21You drive a tank, it's not everybody, but you're sitting down.
20:24Trapeze artists, they probably do hardly any sitting down.
20:27They're either swinging through the air or fighting off a clown.
20:30Get off, you dirty little pervert.
20:32Get off. Stop nibbling at my fishnets.
20:36No, she's on a trapeze.
20:38Of course she's doing that, she's on a trapeze.
20:40That's when she's swinging past.
20:42And these are all facts.
20:45I mean, how much time do you spend peeling the sticky tape off your shoe?
20:48A long time. Eight years, maybe.
20:50You add it all up.
20:52How much time do you spend with your hands on your hips?
20:54A lot of... A lot of time.
20:57When you're a kid, you spend your whole time sitting down, don't you?
20:59A kid runs around all day long, I thought.
21:01Yeah, but just to the swings.
21:03Watch telly.
21:05On average, Brits spend 41 years of their lives sitting down.
21:08Is that true or false?
21:10Absolute tommy rot.
21:12I've never heard such a load of old bull to that in all my days.
21:14I think it's true.
21:17I can tell you that the answer is true.
21:19Yes, well done.
21:22So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
21:24and four points for Dave's team.
21:26It's all to play for.
21:28And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:31I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls.
21:33It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:36Here is your first one.
21:38The biggest worry for farmers.
21:40Is it suicide badgers?
21:43Sorry, suicide badgers?
21:45Yeah, suicide badgers.
21:46That sounds like a bad band.
21:48Is it falling asleep every time you've got to check how many sheep you've got?
21:54Farmers, it's quite stressful because they really know what happens when you leave a gate open.
21:59It's carnage within seconds.
22:01It's like ground zero.
22:04Is it like being asleep at night and the scarecrow tapping on your window?
22:10Me and you outside.
22:13I'm just going to put my killing head on.
22:18Is it money?
22:19I'm going to give you that, Scott.
22:23Yes, the biggest worry for farmers is low commodity prices.
22:26Or money, in other words.
22:28The other big problem is that society can't accept that the love between a man and a horse
22:31is just as valid as the love between a man and a sheep.
22:36Okay, celebrity most in need of a makeover.
22:40Cherie Blair.
22:41Oh, yeah.
22:42She's turning into a weeble as well, have you noticed?
22:44From the back, she looks like a weeble.
22:46Looks like she's got a beanbag down the back of her pants.
22:49I think probably the most honourable thing I would do is I bought some pictures of Cherie Blair topless
22:54off the market and didn't publish them.
22:56There are just some things you can't change.
22:58Oh, you just kept them for yourself, you dirty scum.
23:01How about Heather Mills?
23:02She's adopted poshest pout, I think.
23:05That scowl.
23:06Can you do the bane little scowl?
23:08Celebrity most in need of a makeover.
23:10Well, they did one on Ann Widdecombe, didn't they?
23:12That was fantastic, obviously.
23:13But it's pointless, isn't it?
23:16It's like sprinkling glitter on dog shit, isn't it?
23:24She's a bizarre looking woman, isn't she?
23:26She looks like a choir boy with the bends.
23:32Hairdo, and then something's going off.
23:35Pete Doherty.
23:36That's the right answer.
23:40Yes, the celebrity most in need of a makeover is Pete Doherty.
23:43People say Pete Doherty hasn't contributed anything to society.
23:46On the contrary, he's made me introduce a condom
23:48into my fantasy of shagging Kate Moss.
23:54Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:55and the end of the show,
23:56which means the final scores are
23:57Sean Scott and Kirsty have five points,
23:59Dave Pearce and Jason have five points.
24:01It's a dead heat. Everyone's a winner.
24:04Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
24:06and to all of you for watching at home.
24:07That's it from us. Good night.
24:09The Secret Policeman's Ball comes to Channel 4 next week
24:11and they've teamed up with 4Radio
24:13to bring you exclusive downloads
24:15at Channel4Radio.com.
24:18Next up, Wolf Boy has made a hit with Avid's wife.
24:21It's Bo in the USA.