First broadcast 20th October 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Lee Mack
Rich Hall
Nikki Grahame
Boy George
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Lee Mack
Rich Hall
Nikki Grahame
Boy George
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats, from the U.S. of A, Rich Hall, People's Princess, Nikki
00:28Graham, and their captain, Sean Locke. And facing them tonight, the Boy Wonder, it's
00:35Boy George, the Mack is Back, Lee Matt, and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, welcome your
00:46host, Jimmy Carr.
00:49Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example, scientists say the elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
01:02What? Stephen Hawking isn't a mammal.
01:07Only a quarter of Brits consider themselves to be lucky, and they're the lucky ones.
01:13A cockroach can live for a whole week without a head. Beat that, Heather Mills.
01:23Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading
01:35polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing
01:38this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular
01:41talking points. Sean, Nikki, Rich, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:45Jimmy, turtles can't jump. I just wanted to go back to a point you made earlier. Turtles
01:53don't jump.
01:54They do if you throw them on a trampoline. I think people have probably been talking
01:58about Madonna adopting a baby in Africa. She's adopted a baby. It's caused a lot of fuss.
02:04Well, he has kind of won the orphanage lottery, hasn't he? They had a regular lottery in the
02:10orphanage to get scratch cards. They went, oh, you're going to be saved by Madonna.
02:17He should have been disqualified early because he wasn't an orphan. It was like an African
02:21orphan idol. She knows it's the last 12. She went over for the final, which was this last
02:25week. It was for some sort of contest, like a bonny baby contest. Went to the local Woolworths
02:29in Malawi, had the pictures taken. He should have been disqualified because he's not an
02:33orphan. The kid's not an orphan.
02:34It does seem weird that he's got a dad.
02:36He said in the press that the saddest thing about it is the fact that he's going to be
02:39in the papers every day, so that Madonna and Guy won't get the luxury that other adopted
02:43parents have, which is to tell him exactly what happened in their own time. But I can't
02:47help thinking from a very early age he's going to realise, isn't he? He's going to get to
02:51like 10 or 11 and go, listen, something's not right here. Mum, Dad, two questions. One,
02:57are you my real parents? And two, how come there's no mirrors in this house?
03:02I thought it was funny how she bought him a £5,000 rocking horse. I'd really like to
03:06see that comic relief appeal with it. Just £5,000 and get a rocking horse for a child
03:10in Africa. The other thing she did was she decorated his room in a jungle style. It's
03:17true, that's a questionable taste, I think.
03:20Why did she just adopt like 60,000 orphan kids and then just total sellout wherever
03:25she goes?
03:27That is thinking, Rich.
03:30They don't know that American Pie is a fucking cover.
03:34You're still angry about American Pie?
03:36I was angry about it the first time I heard it. We heard it trotted out again 20 years
03:40later. All 73 verses. And I'll tell you something else, snakes can't jump.
03:49Madonna can't sing. Madonna can't sing.
03:53What did you think of Madonna? She's a bit high maintenance.
03:59I like her, but to be honest, a whole week's news on her adopting the child. Who cares?
04:08You're a big brother.
04:11No.
04:19So were you looking for more news about what was going on in Kazakhstan this week? I'm
04:23not getting to the bottom of this. Just Madonna, Madonna.
04:26But you've managed to get more attention than Madonna in a very short space of time, so
04:29you're more fabulous.
04:33I thought, you know her performance at Live Aid was when she was swearing. Well, that's
04:36not a very good example to set to your kids, because at Live Aid she went on stage and
04:40said, are you fucking ready? I think that's what she's going to be like on the school
04:44run.
04:46Are you fucking ready, lords?
04:52She's an English lady now. She's an English lady? Yeah. She's fooling no one.
04:57Don't you claim to be Irish? I don't claim, I try and hide it.
05:01How dare you? I'm Irish. I'm about as Irish as you. I'm more Irish than you'll ever be.
05:06What? Well, go on then.
05:14Pogue Mahone.
05:22OK, well let's have a look and see if Madonna's adoption is one of the most talked about things
05:25this week.
05:28Yes, it is.
05:30Yes, Madonna's caused controversy by adopting a baby from Africa. The baby's father described
05:34the adoption as a blessing from God, although the exact translation of the Malawi is the
05:39fucking jackpot Getty.
05:44James, Paul, George, Lee, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:47Could it possibly be the allegations that Heather Mills McCartney has made in the divorce
05:50papers saying that Sir Paul was cruel to her. Every night she has to go to bed because of
05:54the toilet. And she has to crawl because he won't allow her a bedpan. He said he didn't
05:58want a bedpan in the bedroom because it looked like an old people's home. It is an old people's
06:03home. It's 64. Don't explain it to us, Sean, if she doesn't get it. Heather's only got
06:10one leg. I don't know why I'm shouting it.
06:15So, Nicola, you know who Heather Mills is, yeah? I don't know. I know she's married to
06:18Paul McCartney. I wasn't aware she only had one leg. Where have you been? She's been in
06:22her house.
06:25We should do something to get the public sympathy back in her favour. Maybe a parrot.
06:30I think people would warm to her if she had a parrot.
06:35Proper job. Go to Vegas. Work at Treasure Island.
06:39Let's have a look and see whether Heather Mills allegations are one of the most talked
06:42about things this week.
06:46Yes, newspapers have reported Heather Mills allegations that Paul McCartney hit her. Heather
06:50is going through a very rough time at the moment and if she were here I would tell her
06:54time heals all wounds.
06:57Well, not that. You'd have to be a starfish.
07:02In other divorce news this week, Stephen Hawking is leaving his wife. Hawking's marriage lasted
07:0711 years before the wheels came off.
07:11Sorry, Jimmy, can I stop you a second? Nicky, he's in a wheelchair.
07:16Sorry, Jimmy. Do you know who Stephen Hawking is?
07:18Do you know who Stephen Hawking is?
07:22He's sort of the cleverest man in the world, but he's kind of confined to a wheelchair.
07:28Most people that come on the show have a really good time. It's a fun thing. It's great, but
07:31you're learning so much.
07:35Right, sure, Nicky Ingram. What else have people been talking about this week?
07:37Oh, post offices closing down.
07:42Small post offices.
07:43Do you know what a post office is?
07:45My mum's a postie, I'll have you know.
07:49One of those little yellow square pieces of paper.
07:59The postmasters deliver a petition with four million names on it to 10 Downing Street.
08:03I like the fact that they hand-delivered it because they don't trust the postal service.
08:08What I think they should do is what they do with libraries. Why don't they have mobile
08:11post offices? And they can be like ice cream vans. They drive around and they play some
08:16music to attract old people.
08:19We'll meet again, like...
08:31Like an ice cream van?
08:32Yes, exactly. Just about a minute behind.
08:37I just really hope that when these postal workers, when they went to Downing Street
08:40there was a thousand of them, I really hope there was just one person serving at Downing Street
08:44and they had to make a big long queue.
08:46And it said, like, protester number three, please!
08:52Let's have a look and see whether post offices are up there.
09:00Dave Seam, what else have the nation been talking about?
09:01I love this great story that apparently David Blunkett once told a police governor to machine-gun
09:06the prisoners. I think that's great.
09:09He thinks our warders have machine-guns.
09:12He's blind.
09:13Better tell Nicky.
09:14Blow the gap.
09:16Nicky, he's blind and he's got a dog.
09:18Oh, you're winding me up.
09:23This is unbelievable.
09:25Everyone we talk about tonight is afflicted, in fact.
09:29Well, as it happens, yeah.
09:30It's different people though, it's not the one person.
09:34Tell me more. Tell me more about Blunkett.
09:36I don't know, there was this riot and he phoned the governor and they said they've got their home secretary on the phone for him
09:40and he's having a riot and he went, oh, machine-gun him.
09:43And he obviously went, are you pissed?
09:45Not a machine-gun him.
09:46Could have just pretended to do it, because Blunkett wouldn't have known, would he?
09:49He could have gone...
09:52There you go, all dead, all of them.
09:54It's like a holiday camp prison.
09:57No, it ain't.
09:58It is.
09:59When you were in Big Brother and they didn't have bottled water, you went mental.
10:03They don't even have a jacuzzi in many of these places.
10:06I didn't go in the jacuzzi because it was filth-ridden.
10:09Well, fair enough then, maybe you'd be fine in prison.
10:13This is the same week that we find out that prisoners are being paid to play board games.
10:17When I was in prison once and I played Scrabble, I nearly got bummed.
10:22But I only had one M.
10:26Let's have a look and see if Blunkett's up there.
10:32Yes, it's been revealed that David Blunkett ordered prison chiefs to machine-gun rioters in 2002.
10:37Luckily, he was shouting into a stapler.
10:43One more to get fingers on, buzzers.
10:44What else have the nation been talking about this week?
10:47Is it anything to do with this teacher who refused to remove her veil and was suspended?
10:52So why do you need to... Leave her alone!
10:55That's enough, innit?
10:56But the thing was, she doesn't wear it when the kid's in the room.
10:58She only wears it when a male comes into the room.
11:02So she goes, she'll have it off, and then a bloke comes in and she goes...
11:06And then he'll go out and she goes...
11:09She should just go like a Venetian blind.
11:16Problem solved.
11:18It'd be quite handy, them girls, if you were talking to somebody who you didn't like, who you thought were an idiot.
11:21You can put a helmet on, and your eyes will be going like that, and your face will go like...
11:27Is that what Jack Straw's really worried about?
11:29Yeah, everyone that comes to visit him is going...
11:32You're an idiot, Jack Straw.
11:34Nicky, Jack Straw is a headless politician.
11:38Oh, goodness sake.
11:41Babe Straw.
11:42The next one's going to be an exhumed corpse.
11:48She done a funny.
11:52Mind you, you can't walk around Mecca in a tutu, can you?
11:56That sounds like an old Cockney song.
11:57You can't walk around Mecca in a tutu.
12:00You can't wear a skirt to walk around Mecca, but...
12:04You could dress up as a ninja.
12:09Or...
12:10Well, that's a group that we really haven't heard much from in this whole debate.
12:14The ninjas haven't said anything.
12:16Right, let's have a look and see whether veils are up there.
12:22Yes, this week, the Muslim teacher suspended for wearing a veil received a lot of support.
12:25She was delighted.
12:26Or surprised, or touched.
12:27Or surprised, or touched.
12:28It's hard to tell.
12:31At the end of that round, Sean's team have two points.
12:33Dave's team are in the lead with three points.
12:37The next round is called the poll with a hole.
12:39We've looked through hundreds of surveys past and present from around the world
12:41and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:43Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
12:46so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:485% of Brits would like to see David and Victoria Beckham what?
12:53What about penniless?
12:55It's a part of the peacekeeping force in Basra.
12:59Ask forgiveness from Christ.
13:05Or, I know, live a week in a third world country.
13:09Do you know what? I'm tempted to give you that.
13:11That's dangerously close to the correct answer.
13:14It's to do with that.
13:16Well, no one was expecting you to be right.
13:20UN ambassadors.
13:22That's the correct answer.
13:25Now, I guess 5% of Brits would like to see David and Victoria Beckham become UN ambassadors.
13:30Personally, I don't think Victoria should be sent to visit starving people.
13:34They've got enough problems without feeling fat.
13:39OK, 68% of chess players think chess would be more popular if what?
13:43If the game wasn't so bloody damn boring.
13:48Tell you what, I'll bet when they were asked that question,
13:50it took them 45 fucking minutes to figure up an answer.
13:54I've always liked the big chess that you get.
13:56I think if they were really big, they were really massive,
13:59and you had to use a crane to play.
14:02The world champion was a crane driver from Catford called Big Rob.
14:06What if it was a cross-country event?
14:10How do you mean, Rich?
14:11You know, move a piece, run 10 miles.
14:15Move another piece, run another 10 miles.
14:18Checkmate.
14:21Yeah, it's a great idea. I'm with Rich on that.
14:24What if he had some shouts?
14:25You know, when you move, you have some calls.
14:26Like, you know, in football, people shout and scream.
14:28When he moved a piece, he went,
14:29Yee-haw, I'm gonna get you, boy!
14:34I've only had two chess games in my life.
14:36I bet you didn't win, then.
14:38I lost.
14:39Did you lose both of them?
14:40Yes.
14:41Really?
14:42Did you have trouble getting the pieces over the net?
14:44Very hilarious. I almost fell off my chair laughing.
14:50Oh, Nicky Graham, everyone.
14:53Yeah.
14:55Yeah, I wouldn't want to be you right about now, Sean.
14:58That's my career over.
15:01If it was easier.
15:03That's the right answer, Sean.
15:04If it was easier.
15:05Yeah, that's what...
15:06Yes, 68% of chess players think chess would be more popular if it was easier.
15:11I think chess is easy.
15:12There's only two things you have to remember.
15:13Don't use the St. Petersburg gambit against the Brandenburg opening,
15:16and the horsey, go jumpy jump.
15:19So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean, Nicky and Rich,
15:22and four points for Dave, Lee and George.
15:25Join me after the break, when we'll be finding out
15:27what you'd be willing to do for 15 minutes of fame.
15:40Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
15:42The next round is Believe It Or Not.
15:44In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement,
15:46and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:49Sean, Nicky and Rich, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
15:54Let's meet act number six, dancer Todd Rickson.
16:16Tell me how you want me.
16:19Feel it in your heart beat.
16:23Boy, you like what you see.
16:27Hold me.
16:30Feel it in your heart beat.
16:33Dance your love away.
16:39Hey, Kevin.
16:40You've done it, haven't you?
16:42Oh, I think he's done a hamstring.
16:44Come on, mate.
16:46The bit after he snaps his hamstring is how I dance normally.
16:50Here is your related statistic.
16:5116% of talent show applicants say they would be prepared to lose a finger for a shot at fame.
16:57Is that true or false?
16:59Is that an actual question that you would ask a talent show applicant?
17:02I think it's halfway through the act.
17:04People just go, I'll just chop your finger off, do something.
17:07I'd do it. What I'd do is I'd chop it off,
17:09and stick it like that, and put the finger up my ear like that.
17:11That's incredible.
17:12Yeah, that's incredible.
17:13Or you could wrap it around your neck and use it to point at things.
17:18It's just round the corner, just over there.
17:19It's funny how the side of the X Factor audition is all going down the back,
17:22bloke with a big bag going, fingers, fingers, fingers, come on, you.
17:27Fingers, come on.
17:28You know, it's illegal to chop your finger off,
17:30because it means you're not fit for military service.
17:32Is that true?
17:33Yeah.
17:35How did you come across that nugget of information?
17:38People tell me things and they stay in.
17:40Do you hear that, Nicky?
17:41Yeah.
17:42I wasn't listening.
17:45Of course you weren't.
17:46Do you think there's an escalating scale of what limbs you have to lose
17:50to gain a certain degree of fame, like Heather McCartney?
17:53She lost a whole leg.
17:54She made a fortune.
17:56What's his name? Lost his eyesight.
17:59Blunkett.
18:01These are all things Nicky learned in part one.
18:04It's exciting, isn't it?
18:0516% of talent show applicants say they would be prepared to lose a finger
18:08for a shot at fame.
18:09True or false?
18:11False.
18:12OK, I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.
18:15Shit.
18:16All right, calm down.
18:17Well done.
18:20Not a lot of people, though, is it?
18:21Well, I mean, it's quite mental, isn't it?
18:2316% would go, yeah, I'll have a finger off just to sing for Simon Cowell.
18:26Of course, once they've done it, they'll have to tend to fuck off like this.
18:31Dave, George and Lee, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:34Ring My Bell is a show in which you, the viewer, get to do the talking.
18:37Qualified receptionists are right here to take your call and put you through
18:40to either Arthur Scargill, Boyd Jones, Barbara Windsor or Tony James,
18:46the founder of Zig Zig Sputnik.
18:48Let's go for a quick booth hop just to show you how this extravaganza works.
18:52Half a buttock and one right boob.
18:54Hey, did you show that right boob? I didn't see that one.
18:58Yes, just, you've got to look very quickly.
19:01Oh, can I see it? Was that in the one with the toothpaste?
19:06What? No, that was camping.
19:08Oh, I missed that one.
19:10Anyway, you take care.
19:12Oh, you bet I will do.
19:13Oh, I know. God bless, darling.
19:14Love to see your tits. Bye then.
19:17Love to see your tits. Bye.
19:20Here is your related statistic.
19:2238% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
19:27Is that true or false?
19:28Bullock.
19:30Well, you can't find my details. I give them my customer reference.
19:33I give them my decimals. They've also got my blood group.
19:35They can't find, fuck off.
19:36People who do the cold calling, you know, that ring you,
19:38I think that helps their love life because I always say,
19:40go and get fucked.
19:43Some people do something more sexy on the phone.
19:46Often people phone me up and they say,
19:48can we interest you in double glazing?
19:49I go, no, but you could certainly take me out to dinner.
19:53Have you ever had phone sex?
19:55Fantastic.
19:56I like the fact you know when the call's over.
19:59When your mum walks in the room.
20:02She can't walk in the room. She's on the phone.
20:10You know, in America, all the sex lines start with 900.
20:14And the area code for Western Tennessee is 901.
20:19So you must get a lot of people in Western Tennessee just getting a mistyled call.
20:22What am I wearing?
20:23Overalls.
20:26My daddy's right here.
20:27Earl, it's for you.
20:3138% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
20:34Is that true or false?
20:35I think yes.
20:36We think yes.
20:37It's probably true.
20:39I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:4438% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
20:48Call centres are weird things.
20:50I need to go from Coventry to Ipswich on Saturday.
20:52I better call someone in Bangladesh.
20:54Vale, no.
20:56Yeah!
20:59So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team and five points for Dave's team.
21:04And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:06I'm going to be giving the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:09It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:11Here is your first one.
21:13Top thing that annoys women.
21:15Is it when you get really drunk and piss in the wardrobe in the middle of the night?
21:19When you wipe your knob on the curtains.
21:22What annoys you?
21:23To be honest, I'm not a good person to ask because everything...
21:29What annoys my wife and women in general is,
21:31they say what pair of shoes out of the 27 pairs they've got,
21:34goes with this skirt.
21:36As if you're a fucking expert on shoes.
21:38Yeah, the problem is Dave, is your wife's shoes all stink of piss.
21:46I do tell you what annoys women.
21:47It's when you put a new toilet roll on a toilet roll holder
21:50and you make the paper come off near the wall.
21:52Instead of, like, away from the wall.
21:54I don't like that. It's really paranoid.
21:56What do you do that for?
21:57He's got rusted knuckles on the wall now.
21:59You were very close, Sean.
22:00You take the last piece and you don't...
22:02Ah, shit, no.
22:03You stick that last piece back on, don't you?
22:05Put that one back on, then it doesn't look as...
22:07I've used the whole loo roller.
22:09That's great. She's got to change it.
22:11That's the correct answer.
22:14Yes, the top thing that annoys women
22:16is finishing the last loo roll.
22:18Here's one for you.
22:19Top reason to celebrate.
22:21You found some booze.
22:24Wahey!
22:26Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
22:29Didn't know I had this.
22:32Rich, what do you celebrate?
22:34Not being Canadian.
22:38Oh, I know!
22:39Jesus Christ, don't do that!
22:43It's quite a laugh out of me.
22:45It's a funeral.
22:48No!
22:51No, I tell you what.
22:52Unbelievable.
22:53You only go to funerals with people you don't like.
22:55I've been to one.
22:57I've never been invited back.
23:01You've never been invited back to a funeral.
23:06Oh, I've been to one funeral, I didn't get invited back.
23:10Same time again next year, then.
23:14Engagement.
23:15That's the correct answer.
23:16All right.
23:19Yes, the top reason to celebrate is an engagement.
23:21Second on the list is discovering that the kid's not yours
23:23and you don't have to marry the slag.
23:28Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:30which means the final scores are
23:32Sean, Nicky and Rich have five points,
23:34but the winners are Dave, George and Lee with six points.
23:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:43and to all of you for watching at home.
23:44That's it from us. Good night.
23:47Amnesty International's legendary secret policeman's ball
23:50comes to Channel 4 later this month.
23:52To download extra archive clips and brand-new sketch shows,
23:55go to channel4radio.com now.
23:57Coming up, Avid Narayan meets Justin Timberlake.
24:00Bo in the USA is next.