Q: What is it like living in the United Kingdom?
I don't want to bring it down from the start, but at present, and since Brexit, honestly... it's politically divided, there's brutal economic disparity, and it feels like living in a collapse-of-Rome situation. As a working-class British citizen, you exist in a kind of neo-serfdom, where, like in America, I'd imagine, you're at the bottom of the top of the world. I get clean water from a tap in a rented house, a flushing toilet, and I have the trappings of a Western life: phone, computer, internet, music gear, access to supermarkets with fresh fruit and vegetables. But the majority of the things I benefit from in the UK are offset by death and suffering imposed around the globe. My entire existence is drenched in blood, suffering, and slavery... and for it, I live a life that only 1% of the planet is afforded. Obviously, there's a 1% of that 1% who actually have true agency... I've not been able to figure out the best course of action yet, and I can't comfortably exist with things the way they are though, for sure. But what praxis looks like, I have no idea. 😅 I just want to live in a world where we share resources instead of exploiting each other for them. But yeah, living in the UK comes with a lot of existential baggage.
Q: How did you get interested in creating music?
It was something I found through an ulterior motive, really. I always wanted to be a character artist for Squaresoft (now Square Enix). I was in love with Yoshitaka Amano's work, and that's all I really wanted. But then I hit puberty, and this girl I fancied made the comment "bass players are fit," and my adolescent mind understood what must be done. That relationship didn't work out, but god, I fell for music—it did what art did for me, but sound felt more immediately expressive than visual art did. I've been obsessed ever since, went to college for it, and have been in loads of bands. All in all, I've been playing bass for 20 years and recording/producing for about 17. I got into production because of punk bands I was in, and later prog-metal and djent bands. In the punk band era, we'd use the old Boss 8-tracks that burned to CD. Then I had my first studio experience recording to the old ADAT racks. Eventually, the DAW thing came in during the Prog/Djent era, and that's when I started learning to produce properly, reading Sound on Sound magazines, and buying books on it all. I'm a massive fan of Sylvia Massy's approach—she's a huge inspiration. Her work with Tool is beyond words. Also, people like Kenny Segal in the hip-hop world.
Q: What does music represent?
To my mind, music represents primarily the intention of the artist, which is then reinterpreted by every individual through their subjective experience of it. Fundamentally, I see it as an externalization of the artist's internal world.
Q: What have you learned about psychology and philosophy, particularly metaphysics?
Well, I've half-read some books and watched a lot of lectures on YouTube, so I reckon I'm at about a PhD level. 🤣 In all seriousness, though, these topics are my other obsession next to music. Let's be frank—being a conscious human experiencing existence is fucking mental. Philosophy is just the collective attempt to understand what the fuck is going on and the implications of that. I'm particularly enthralled with the study of "Ontology," meaning "Being/Existence," and "What is the ontological ground?" or the "fundamental substrate of existence." From a religious point of view, that would be "What is God?" and what is "God's experience of self?" I'll ask myself really esoteric questions, like "Can a thought be aware? And if a thought is aware, can a thought be aware of its thinker's awareness?" and I'll endlessly muse on these mental experiments. It's partly to blame for my out-there lyrics. 🤣 My favorite philosopher is a guy called Terence McKenna—if you haven't heard of him, check him out. Also, do yourself a favor and read *The Conquest of Bread* by Peter Kropotkin—it's old, but it's one of the foundations of anarchist thought, and it's an interesting read. Oh, and if you're on YouTube, check out Philosophy Tube, TheLeftistCooks, and Tirrrb.
Q: Your story of dropping out of university and your tutor Jan Kopinski, who's an acclaimed saxophonist.
So I was very bright-eyed when I left college and went to university. I'd really built it up and had an unrealistic idea of what it would be. I went to Salford Uni, which is good, but I was imagining fucking Berklee or something. Sadly, it fell short of my hopes. I was doing a BA Hons in Popular Music and Performance, and the key is in the name—I thought there would be more focus on jazz and experimental approaches, but I was stuck reading Madonna in session musicianship lessons. Thankfully, I had a tutor called Jan Kopinski, who's an utter legend. He's played sax on fucking everything; I'm pretty sure he's done Bond soundtracks and the like. An absolutely fantastic player. He took an interest in me because I think he could see my frustration. I was producing weird jazz metal with loads of odd meters and dissonance. I'd come early to sessions, and he'd give me notes on what I was working on, really pushing me to explore my creativity without limitation. This had been going on for about three months, and I was getting increasingly sick of pop and had developed a significant disdain for Motown through being forced to over-analyze it. At the end of a particularly mind-numbing session—if I remember correctly, we were having issues with the brass lines—I was sat on the bass amp looking drained and miserable. Jan took me aside after the session, and the first words out of his mouth were, "You know I've not got a degree?" I was taken off guard by this because I was under the belief that you needed one to teach at a uni. He then proceeded to tell me that there was only one member of the entire faculty with one (the guy who taught musicology, he was a wanker). He revealed that a music degree was never going to get me a gig and was brutally honest about the exploitation of the arts in higher education. I'd not completed my first year, and I'd not taken out any more loans. "Quit, put everything into your production, and gig at every opportunity—you'll get where you want to be if you just put everything into YOUR music." I'd never had someone believe in me like that before, not to mention risking his job to save me tens of thousands of pounds. Needless to say, I walked out the door and never went back. One of the things I'm most proud of musically is that I have an original sound. This is the moment that gave me the courage to dedicate myself to developing that.
Q: Your experiences with climbing
I specifically do indoor bouldering climbing-wise, and it's the one sport I'll actually watch. 🤣 I got into it when I was 27, so I've been doing it for about eight years-ish—well, the pandemic killed it for about two, so six years, I guess? Anyway, if you're not familiar, there are networks of converted warehouses, hidden on industrial estates around the globe, containing 5-meter wooden walls adorned with colored plastic blobs, floors cushioned with crash mats, and occupied by skinny fuckers in ballet shoes and North Face beanies. These sacred places are climbing gyms, and it's the most autism-friendly sport going, trust. 🤣 Basically, I love it because it makes me forget I'm exercising—it's a puzzle game on a wall. You start at the bottom on the holds marked, then get to the top hold and touch it with both hands for three seconds. That's it, but they go from things like ladders to doing fucking yoga up a wall, and after an hour—two on a great day—your entire body is jelly and you're full of endorphins. I have to be very conscious of my mental health to stay balanced, and climbing improves my well-being tenfold. If you are or were a gawky teen with no coordination, and exercise has never clicked with you, give it a try—there's probably a gym hiding on an industrial estate near you.
Q: How did you discover NG, and why did you join?
God, I was on Newgrounds in high school, but I can't remember exactly how I found it. I got into Joe Cartoon, and not long after, I stumbled upon Newgrounds and Gigglestick. I remember the old Final Fantasy Chocobo rap that I'd watch on repeat, and a hentai game I used to play—it was like the old GTAs, not quite top-down, but you were a photographer shooting nudes. 🤣
I didn't like being in the yard at school, so I'd go into the IT department and play on NG to get away from the other kids. I probably joined during the pandemic for music. I was (and am) disillusioned with the internet as a whole and the music industry. NG feels like a community of creatives growing together, rather than a dick-swinging contest. And, importantly for me, it's slower. I can't keep up with normal feeds; I get overwhelmed with bloody Discord. 😅 But the steady pace of a forum—I can handle that. I just wish I could host videos here. I want to do more production vlogs, and I think it would be a cool perk for a higher supporter tier, with no portal or anything. At the moment, I'm setting YouTube videos to private and embedding them. I just feel like there's money on the table for NG there rather than YouTube.
But yeah, I love NG. It feels like home online to me. I've made genuine friendships here, and I've learned a shit ton just through osmosis and being here.
Q: What do you think about the internet?
It's a tool, and you can use tools to create or destroy. Or really, it's a communication tool, and it can be used to communicate truth or lies. It's a phenomenal piece of technology, but I fear we as a species are misusing it. Once corporate interests take hold, frontiers become claimed territory, and the people, once free, are themselves reduced to a resource.
Q: What do you like about comic books/manga?
They're dyslexic-friendly 🤣. Seriously, though, I think it's the combination of fine art and narrative. I love animation, but (I feel like this is a theme for me) I like the pace of comics because I set the pace. I can linger on a frame for as long as I wish, get lost in it.
I enjoy them physically too—having a book in my hands feels grounding to me. It puts me in my body, even though I'm indulging in the narrative mentally, so I guess it just feels like a holistic experience, with mind and body stimulated simultaneously.
One of my favorite comics is *Saga* by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples. It's absolutely captivating. It's a fucking sci-fi fantasy romance—think *Romeo and Juliet* meets *Outlaw Star*—but it's the most viscerally real, character-driven, heart-wrenching story I've ever been exposed to, and I don't think it could have been achieved in any other medium. Also, I know it's a bit trashy, but *Chainsaw Man* is sick. I'm just waiting for the next volume in October. 🤓
Q: How do you feel autism has affected your life?
First, autism is a spectrum, and I'm diagnosed with it, but I'm not an expert—so I'm just speaking from my own experience. For me, there's not a way it doesn't affect me. The foundation of my perception is looking at the world through an autistic mind. From what I understand, my experience of self and my processing of sensory information is quite radically different from the majority of people I've ever met.
This kind of presents a massive barrier to communication because my existential frame is so different. It's like everyone's watched a film, and you think you've watched the same film, but you got mixed up and watched the making-of documentary instead, but you think you watched the same film as everyone else. So you're missing all these references, and you have all this insight that ruins the cinematic magic for everyone else. Then you kinda end up very alienated and traumatized as a result of it.
I was a late diagnosis—it was only the other year. I'd been misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder and had crisis team interventions for being suicidal. Then I find out my arse just watched the special features and didn't know everyone thought I was a dick because I wouldn't shut up about the entire thing being shot on a green screen.
But that's it, I guess. You just see that society is a narrative construct—90% of the world lives in an internal narrative and not the objective world, and people hate the idea that they're really just a story they tell themselves. 🤦🏿♀️ That's why it's so hard as an autistic person—because society only appears to work if you accept the underlying ontological claims. The moment you broach the absurdity of those claims, people become volatile, and the system works against you.
I'm fortunate, though, as I get medical weed, and that helps take the edge off the overwhelm. Unfortunately, I do suffer from periods of crippling burnout that I've yet to figure out how to keep at bay, but it's a process.
Q: Your experience with drugs?
In broad strokes, drugs saved my life—specifically the classical psychedelics (LSD, DMT, Psilocybin). Disclaimer: I'm not telling people to do as I have. I also know people who've lost their minds to this stuff, so it's not to be taken lightly.
I think it's quite a normal experience for neurodivergent individuals to find cannabis in their teens and experience therapeutic benefits from it. This was my personal experience. As touched on above, I've always suffered from mental health issues, both from autism and traumatic childhood experiences. But when you're misdiagnosed (remember, I didn't get my diagnosis until I was 34, so I'm autistic and have PTSD), you're not given the support you need to self-regulate or navigate the social environment. So from the age of being self-aware, throughout my entire life, I've had suicidal ideation. I just couldn't understand why I shouldn't kill myself when life was so painful.
Psychedelics were something I turned to as a last resort. I'd been studying religion and philosophy, and everything seemed to point back to the psychedelic experience and the root of transcendental ideas. I figured, well, how about I try this before I gas myself in the oven?
Putting the psychedelic experience into words is a fool's errand—they are steeped in the archetypal forms that precede language, and any attempt to describe them will innately fall short. But I'm nothing if not a fool, so here goes: once upon a time, I was an atheist. I smoked DMT, ate some mushrooms, and now I believe in God. There you go—some call me eloquent, you know. 🤣
Right, so how the fuck do I explain this? The psychedelic experience presents an ontology where "mind" is primary, and we are something akin to "God" having a schizophrenic episode as a result of a state of infinite loneliness. God exists as the totality of all things. Time is a unity for God—all experience is unity, all things from all time rendered meaningless as a result of there being no one with whom to share the experience. Meaning comes from shared experience; meaning comes from love. If you kill yourself, you just wake up at the beginning and end of time, alone with your infinite bounty—alone for eternity. Suicide isn't the act of killing yourself; it's the act of killing the world.
Needless to say, the shift in perspective this gave me has had a massive impact on my want to be "here." This is what my song "Life" is about.
And my album *To Be Adrift In Infinity* covers the period of my life when this all took place.
Got to get the plugs in. 😉🤣
Q: Your perspective on health?
I think it's crucial. You're a mind fused in a meat puppet, so you have to maintain the meat puppet to maintain the mind and the mind to maintain the meat puppet. It's also just about the most difficult thing to balance, especially as... and this pains me to say it... a middle-aged dude. My optimal health routine is:
- 8 hours of sleep with set bedtimes
- 3 meals a day, high in protein with broccoli and peas, and avoid sugar
- 30-40 mins meditation daily
- 20-30 mins yoga session daily
- 1-2 mile walk daily
- 1-2 hour climbing session 3 times a week
- Working on, practicing, or performing music daily
If I'm doing these things, I'm functioning at my best, and I have the best impact on the people around me. I do find it extremely challenging to keep this as a constant, though, because I do suffer from burnout and loss of executive function as a result of my autism. So it can be a battle, but the healing is in the return, and it's a process, so you have to treat yourself with grace.
Q: What does it mean to be happy?
To be content, satiated, with a good amount of dopamine in your system? 🤣 I'm not sure. I'm more a fan of meaning as a gauge for well-being over happiness. Happiness is fleeting, or it soon becomes hedonistic if left unchecked. Meaning will weather the storm of suffering, while happiness will wilt at its mention.
