Can You Be Friends With Your Therapist?

Therapy is a close, intimate process that involves sharing deeply personal details about your life. While it involves a lot of trust, it isn't a friendship.

The bond you have with your therapist is unique. What makes it different from a friendship are the boundaries, the one-sided nature of the connection, and the inherent power imbalance that marks this type of relationship.

Clients often develop a close relationship with therapists. This therapeutic alliance creates a safe, trusting space that promotes healing. While you might feel friendly toward your therapist, it is important to understand that you should not be friends or think of your therapist as your friend.

Why Your Therapist Can't Be Your Friend

Your therapist should not be a close friend because that would create what's called a dual relationship, something that is unethical in therapy.

One of the difficulties with dual relationships is that a problem in one relationship, such as a friendship or a sexual relationship, can then cause problems in the therapy relationship. If you are mad at your therapist because they didn't attend your party, it will be hard for you to open up in therapy.

In addition to being a dual relationship, sexual relationships with clients exploit the power inherent in the one-sided nature of the therapy relationship. Such relationships are unethical on several grounds.

Understanding the Therapist-Client Relationship

Psychotherapy is, by necessity, an imbalanced relationship. You, the client, open up, and the therapist generally doesn't. There is a lack of mutual self-disclosure. You share while your therapist listens. This is necessary to focus on your problems exclusively. How can trust develop in such a one-sided relationship?

Since the therapist doesn't reveal nearly as much, you will hopefully come to view the therapist as a safe, caring listener who is devoted to helping you figure out your problems, not their own.

Therapeutic Alliance

Throughout therapy, a therapist works with you to develop what is known as a therapeutic alliance. This alliance is defined as how a therapist and client interact with one another. It is a type of bond where both people agree to work toward agreed-upon goals in order to produce a positive change.

Characteristics of this therapeutic alliance include:

• Empathy
• Genuineness
• Insight
• Lack of judgment
• Trust

Research suggests that the therapeutic alliance plays an important role in treatment outcomes. In fact, having a good relationship with your therapist can matter more than the type of treatment that is being utilized.

What Makes the Therapeutic Relationship Different

Friendship, on the other hand, is inherently two-sided. In most relationships, people open up gradually as the other person also opens up. As friends, they come to know the details of each other's lives and share experiences beyond sitting in a therapist's office.

The therapeutic relationship does share some of the same qualities as friendship. You should be able to trust and feel comfortable with your therapist, but that doesn't mean that these feelings are the same thing you would experience in a friendship.

Unlike one of your friends, your therapist isn't emotionally involved in what you are going through. This allows them to lend an impartial ear. They can evaluate the situation and help you work on solutions without being biased or reacting emotionally.

Transference and Countertransference

Historically, certain psychoanalytically oriented therapists took pains not to reveal any aspect of themselves to their patients. They believed this would influence the patient's reactions in an unhelpful manner known as transference.

However, most contemporary psychoanalysts and therapists recognize that they are always revealing aspects of themselves. The therapist's goal is not to hide their personality but to foster the kind of relationship that allows for the fullest discussion and exploration of all the reactions that take place between the therapist and the patient.

This may involve the use of a process known as transference, which involves a client projecting their feelings onto the therapist.

Sometimes transference can be a barrier to treatment, particularly if it causes a person to withdraw. When used in a positive way, however, it allows you to develop a positive therapeutic alliance and explore negative feelings that might arise over the course of therapy.

Therapists also work to stay aware of how their own feelings and internal conflicts might be projected onto a client, a phenomenon known as counter-transference.

Can You Be Friends With a Former Therapist?

While not common, a friendship can develop when you've finished therapy. There are no official rules or ethical guidelines from either the American Psychological Associated or American Psychiatric Association regarding friendships with former clients.

This includes the idea that the transference aspects of the relationship and the power imbalance formed in therapy never fully disappear. You should also consider whether or not you might want to return to therapy again in the future. If you decide to recommence therapy and you've become friends with your former therapist, it may mean seeking out a different therapist for future treatment.

Keep In Mind

Your relationship with your therapist should be marked by warmth, support, and a good rapport. If they are friendly, this may be an added bonus. But remember that therapy is not the same as a friendship. By taking advantage of the personal and professional relationship that develops in therapy, you will be better able to make the changes that you strive for in your life.

If you are concerned that your relationship with your therapist has crossed boundaries, it is important to discuss the issue with your therapist. If you believe that your therapist has engaged in unethical behavior, contact your state or territory licensing board to learn more about how to file a complaint.