What Is Closure in a Relationship?

Everyone experiences relationship losses, and some endings are more complex, painful, or confusing than others.

“Closure looks different for everyone, but at its core, it’s a sense of completion and release from the entanglement of the relationship,” explains mental health therapist Myree Morsi. Essentially, closure provides the ability to move forward.

If you recognize any of the following signs, you might not have found healthy closure just yet. The tips that follow might help.

5 Signs You Haven’t Found Closure

Closure can be tricky to achieve. Sometimes, we struggle to wholly let go, and the natural ending of the relationship drags on for months or even years. Sometimes, an ending is so abrupt that we struggle to make sense of events or accept that the relationship is over.

In other cases, we harbor intense feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, or grief that are difficult to work through. And sometimes, it can feel like the other person prevents us from getting the closure we feel we deserve.

Here are a few signs that you might not have found closure in your relationship just yet.

You Can’t Stop Thinking About the Relationship

Ruminating and obsessing over the person and what happened are clear signs that you have not yet found closure. Morsi says, “You’re still feeling entangled energetically, mentally or emotionally with them.”

You Can’t Understand What Happened

Understanding why the relationship ended the way it did brings peace. If you struggle to make sense of how things ended, you might feel like the book hasn’t yet been closed.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a study that examined young adults' behavior after ending a romantic relationship found that, when participants had a greater understanding of why the breakup occurred, they experienced less inner turmoil and felt better about the relationship in general.

You Keep Reopening the Wound

Reaching out to the other person after a relationship has ended can prolong your pain. It essentially prevents the emotional door from shutting fully. You might feel a strong desire to reach out to the other person or revisit the relationship because you want answers.

Interestingly, a 2015 study concluded that, when people accepted a friend request from their exes on social media, they experienced more anxiety and depression compared to those who didn’t accept the request.

You Question Your Worth

“When a close relationship ends, it is natural to experience grief and sadness. This is universal and a part of everyone’s life experience,” says Dr. Todd Gaffaney, a clinical psychologist and professor. “However, a breakdown in the framework of closure may interfere with the grieving process.”

For example, your ex-partner's criticism (e.g., "You're too demanding") or your own negative internal dialogue (e.g., "I am unlovable") might make you feel shameful, unloved, and inferior.

What’s more, these negative beliefs and feelings may extend the grieving process and be carried over as heavy emotional baggage from one relationship to another.

You Hold Onto Anger or Resentment

If things ended poorly or abruptly, you might harbor deep anger, frustration, or resentment, says Morsi. These feelings can morph into sadness or grief.

How to Find Closure

Here are a few tactics to recover, let go, and move forward.

Accept You Might Not Get All the Answers

If the other person is unable or unwilling to answer questions outright, you must create closure within yourself rather than externally. 

“It’s a radical act for many of us to let a relationship go, especially when we have to do it without the other person doing the same,” says Morsi. “It’s important to stop trying to get them to ‘give’ this to you. This alone will then free you immediately—and it’s very empowering.”

Consider the Larger Picture

Trying to understand your ex's feelings and circumstances can help you process why the relationship ended the way it did.

“This means practicing empathy for what our partner is stressed about and viewing them in a larger context," Dr. Gaffaney says.

Do Some Forgiveness Work

Holding onto intense emotions prevents you from stepping forward and causes anguish. Forgiving yourself and the other person can be difficult, but it’s one of the first steps in finding the peace of closure. 

“If you plant a healthy seed in toxic soil, it will not grow as tall and strong as you might hope. This metaphor applies to self- and partner-forgiveness as well,” says Dr. Gaffaney. He says that, by forgiving, you exchange toxic feelings and a negative mental mindset about your partner or yourself for a more flexible attitude that aligns with your life goals.

Rely on Other Resources

Although there’s power in navigating things on your own, leaning on others for help is a sign of strength. Reach out to trusted friends and family members, and work with a therapist who can help you find closure.

A Word From Verywell Mind

Closure is complicated and non-linear. There's no marked path to lead you to the finish line, and you'll hit some bumps along the way. However, doing the work untangles you from past relationships and allows you to explore—and more authentically enjoy—new ones.