Poor Communication Skills Can Lead to Loads of Stress—Here's What to Do

Healthy relationships can feel so good and even bring us some much-needed stress relief.
When communication is open and clear, small problems are dealt with quickly and easily, and the relationship moves on.

Sadly, toxic relationships are totally different. In fact, these relationships can be the biggest creators of stress. Often, toxic relationships (toxic friendships exist too), involve lots of poor communication. When communication is less healthy, stress ensues, small problems can become larger problems and resentment can grow.

Half Listening, Listening to Respond, Or Not Listening At All

There are several forms of poor listening, and they all wear away at relationships in one way or another.

A few types of poor listening include:

• Half listening (aka lazy listening): This is the listening-but-not-really-listening style of someone who isn’t really paying attention but is politely saying, “Uh-huh…uh-huh.” This is only mildly detrimental, but it can damage a relationship when it's one-sided or chronic, and when one partner realizes that much of what they say isn’t really being heard or remembered. This can make a person feel less valued than they should feel.
• Listening to respond: More damaging than lazy listening is the type of listening where an important discussion is taking place and one person is merely waiting for their turn to talk rather than really hearing what their partner is saying. This creates a situation where listening isn’t really happening, therefore, understanding cannot take place. This wastes both people’s time and brings them no closer to one another when personal details are being shared, and no closer to a resolution when done in an important discussion.
• Not listening at all: Perhaps the most damaging form of poor listening is when one person simply refuses to listen or even tries to understand the other side. This happens all too often and creates a standoff situation more often than not.

Why These Types of Poor Listening Styles Stress Us Out

When we aren't listening well (or at all), one partner can easily feel that their time is wasted. Think of how stressful it is when you're venting to your friend but all they can do is keep looking at their phone while you're speaking. That feeling not only sucks, but it's also stressful. Instead of venting, you'll have to spend time asking your friend to put their phone away and listen. Or, you may just give up and not speak about your stress at all. Because what's the use right?

Passive-Aggressive Communication

This form of communication can show itself in many ways. One partner can undermine the other by agreeing to do something and then “forgetting,” or seeming to agree, but saying the opposite the next time the subject comes up.

Passive aggressiveness can also show itself through constant disagreement over small issues, particularly in front of others.

This Is Why Passive-Aggressiveness Makes Us So Mad and Stressed

It's been shown that passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) leads to interpersonal stress and dysfunction.

Also, passive-aggressiveness can make us upset because it is hard to address. For instance, it can be easily denied, creating a “gaslighting” situation.

Moreover, when someone is being passive-aggressive with us, it feels as if we're communicating with someone who wants to make us feel bad or doesn't really care about us. Being on the receiving end of this kind of pettiness never ever feels good.

Hostile and Aggressive Communication Is Definitely Stress-Inducing

Aggressive communication involves overtly hostile communication, including criticism or even name-calling. It devalues the other person overtly, leaving people feeling defensive and leaving no veil over the overt conflict.

This is a form of verbal abuse and is something that no one should ever tolerate in a relationship.

Why Aggressive Communication Can Be So Hurtful and Stressful

It never feels good to be attacked. Those using aggressive communication tactics are more interested in power and “winning” rather than coming to an understanding. This brings the conflict to a new level and makes mutual understanding elusive.