How to Understand Your Relationship Dynamics and the Patterns We Create

Suppose you’re experiencing a rough patch in your romantic relationship, or are finding it difficult to communicate or see eye-to-eye with family members or friends. In that case, you could be having challenges in the realm of relationship dynamics.

But while we often hear people talk about “relationship dynamics,” many of us don’t know what that phrase means, and how it might be impacting our close relationships with others. Simply put, “relationship dynamics refer to the patterns and ways in which people interact within their relationships,” explains Emily Zeller, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder at Zeller & Co. Therapy.

Here, we’ll take a deep dive into the concept of relationship dynamics, including some common patterns, the impacts of relationship dynamics, factors affecting relationship dynamics, and some expert tips on how to cultivate healthier relationship dynamics.

Why Relationship Dynamics Matter

So, why exactly should we care about relationship dynamics? Well, it turns out that becoming more aware of these patterns can really help us improve our most important relationships. “Understanding these dynamics is crucial because they influence how effectively we communicate, resolve conflicts, and support each other's emotional well-being,” Zeller shares.

Working to create more positive dynamics can enhance mutual understanding and support, says Zeller. On the other hand, negative dynamics may lead to increased misunderstandings and emotional turmoil. “By recognizing and understanding these dynamics, individuals can better navigate their relationships, leading to healthier and more fulfilling interactions,” says Zeller.

Common Relationship Dynamics

Relationships dynamics vary for different folks and within different relationships. When relationship dynamics become less healthy, they are often described as a power struggle between the two people in the relationship. Problems with relationship dynamics are also often characterized by harmful roles that people play within the relationship—roles that make one or both individuals feel unheard, unappreciated, or unsupported.

Although there are many different types of relationship dynamics, Zeller says there are three main types she sees most commonly.

Demand/Withdrawal

“This dynamic occurs when one partner feels their needs are not being met and their partner is ignoring them,” Zeller says. Usually, there’s one partner who is constantly seeking engagement from the other partner, while the other partner tries to avoid discussion or confrontation, essentially withdrawing from communication in the relationship.

Distancer/Pursuer

Another dynamic is where one person in the relationship seems to want to avoid getting too close, while the other person is in a constant state of pursuing more connection. “This dynamic can occur due to attachment styles,” Zeller says. “If one of the partner's primary caregiver was not emotionally supportive, one partner may fear abandonment and rejection, leading to distancing or withdrawal.”

Fear/Shame

One other common relationship dynamic Zeller sees is one where partners seem to induce strong levels of fear and shame in one another. “Often, one partner's actions trigger fear or anxiety in the other, who responds in a way that triggers shame in the first partner, perpetuating a cycle of negative interactions,” she describes.

What Type of Relationships Are Impacted By Relationship Dynamics?

Relationship dynamics are most impactful when we talk about a close or intimate relationship. When we think of relationship dynamics, we usually think of romantic relationships. But every kind of close relationship we have can be affected by relationship dynamics, including parent-child relationships, other familial relationships, friendships, and work-place relationships.

“Intimacy is not just romantic or sexual—it's any relationship where we are truly being seen and seeing another,” explains Courtnay Meletta, PhD, LPCC, LMHC, an integrative psychotherapist and owner of a private group therapy practice in Los Angeles.

Meletta says that relationship dynamics can affect any type of relationship, but they don’t affect more causal relationships as strongly, such as the relationships between yourself and a co-worker or acquaintance. In these cases, relationship dynamics “won't carry the same emotional weight as your intimate relationships,” she says.

Factors Affecting Relationship Dynamics

There are many factors that can potentially affect relationship dynamics. Some of these are factors that originated when we were children, and are usually tied to the concept of attachment styles. “Attachment styles (how we connect with others) deeply influence how people relate to others in their relationships,” Zeller remarks. The theory is that the first close relationships we have are with the people who raised us. When there is a lack of trust, closeness, and healthy attachment, this can impact how we experience relationships throughout life.

But it’s not just these early childhood relationships that factor in. Our relationships in adulthood can have major impacts as well. “Previous relationships and upbringing can also set expectations and influence how one behaves and reacts in relationships,” Zeller says. Finally, the world around us and our culture can have major impacts as well. “Cultural norms and societal expectations can dictate roles, responsibilities, and the expression of emotions within relationships,” Zeller notes.

Meletta says that it’s really not just one thing that influences our relationship dynamics, but all of the factors taken together. “We humans are multifaceted and are an amalgamation of many variables,” she describes. “I don't think we can point to attachment style, past experiences, or society/culture—as one culprit—it all matters.”

Eventually, you might consider going to therapy to heal some of those childhood wounds that still impact you today. Doing so usually has strong impacts on your present day relationships and relationship dynamics.

Strategies for Improving Relationship Dynamics

It can be overwhelming when you consider the different ways that relationship dynamics can become negative and how this can impact your core relationships with others. But it’s not all gloom and doom. There are things you can do on your own and within your relationship to improve relationships dynamics.

Practice Your Communications Skills

“Communication is key to improving relationship dynamics,” says Zeller. Working on communication within your relationship may look like practicing expressing your needs and feelings clearly, and often.

Build Trust

For many people, relationship dynamics go sour when they don’t trust each other. Trust is vital for healthy relationship dynamics. “Build trust by consistently being reliable, keeping promises, and showing understanding and empathy toward each other,” Zeller recommends.

Establish Healthy Habits

If you want to build your relationship muscles, you’ve got to take action, and show up in the right way for each other. “This could mean spending quality time together, supporting each other's individual interests, and developing rituals that reinforce the relationship,” Zeller explains.

In addition, she says, you need to show up for yourself. This means, “nurturing your individual needs and focusing on self-care,” says Zeller.

Seek Professional Help

You don’t have to do this alone, and many of us need professional help to hone our relationship skills. This may look like individual therapy, family therapy, or couples therapy. “If you're struggling, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance,” Zeller emphasizes. “A therapist can help you identify unhealthy patterns and develop new ways of connecting.”

Keep Things In Perspective

Most importantly, keep in mind that strengthening and healing in relationships takes time, and it’s not always a straight line toward improvement. Zeller says you should think of relationships as works-in-progress, and you need to be patient as you work together with your loved one to work out your relationship kinks and bolster your relationship dynamics.

The Bottom Line

Unhealthy relationships dynamics are a cause of many of our relationships challenges. We can all get stuck in patterns where we have unrealistic expectations and unfair roles that we expect others to play. It can be hard for many of us to get “unstuck” when it comes to these negative relationship patterns and dynamics.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Simply being open about what you are experiencing in terms of relationship dynamics is a great way to begin the process of recovery. Communication, building trust—and often, seeking professional help—all can help you improve your relationship dynamics.

And here’s the best news: putting in the effort will yield rewards. “By understanding and intentionally working on relationship dynamics, you can create healthier and more fulfilling connections in all areas of your life,” Zeller shares.