How Do I Overcome the Grief of Losing My Pet?

Let's face it: Losing a pet is a terrible, painful thing. And because animals like dogs and cats have only a small fraction of the lifespan of most people—and because, ironically, having a pet can actually help you live longer—chances are that having a pet means at some point down the road, you're going to lose them.

While some people are taken aback by how sad and stricken they are when their pet dies, that sadness is a completely normal occurrence. Grief is "what we feel inside, our natural reaction, in response to loss," says Juliet Kuehnle, licensed therapist and author of Who You Callin' Crazy? "It's the price we pay for loving something," she explains.

If you're dealing with the loss of a pet, you may be unsure how to deal with the many unfortunate feelings you're working through. Ahead, we'll help you understand why the grief of losing a pet hurts so darn much, and how you can heal from it most effectively.

Why Is Losing a Pet so Painful?

Loss is loss, whether it's human or animal, and it's very rough. "Forming relationship and connection with a pet is no different for our hearts than forming these with other humans," says Kuehnle. You wouldn't be surprised to find yourself grieving if you lost a loved one who is human, so don't be surprised that losing a pet hurts a whole lot too.

In some ways, losing a pet can be even harder than losing a person. We have complex, often fraught relationships with our families and friends, but the relationship between a pet and their person is pretty pure. Our animals love us without cause or concern for our failings or shortcomings. They're by our side, no matter what, through thick and thin. For many people, a pet is the most unconditional love out there.

Having a pet is good for our physical and mental health, to the extent that even the CDC offers tips on ownership. The loss of a pet is the loss of an incredible source of joy and love, and it's bound to be awful.

How Long Does Pet Grief Last?

There's no firm answer about how long it takes to get over the loss of a pet. "Grief is so very personal and it is not something you “get over” or “cure,” but something you learn to carry differently with time," says Kuehnle. She explains that "everyone’s grief journey is unique....there is no formula or timeline."

Strategies for Coping With Grief

Fortunately, even though you can't make grief disappear, you can employ strategies for dealing with your feelings. And in turn, that will help you get past them, little by little. The first step is to let go of expectation. "If people can release their expectations of what grief “should”' look like, they can start to integrate the loss and the changes into their lives, with acceptance, as they adjust," suggests Kuhnle.

You should also know that grief isn't necessarily a straight line from "sad" to "happy again." "A lot of people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and expect to move through them all linearly, but that simply doesn’t always happen," says Kuehnle. "Sometimes people will bounce around within those five stages, and sometimes people won’t ever experience a particular stage."

Allowing yourself to experience your emotions is the best way to deal with them.

Self care is also important: Be sure that as you grieve, you do whatever feels good for you, for no other reason than because it does. Kuehnle recommends self soothing and practicing self-regulation. She also suggests breathing exercises, and spending time getting to understand your narrative around the loss. Additionally, journaling about your feelings can help you move through them.

Of course, you don't have to move through the grief of losing a pet alone. Therapy is always helpful, and gives you an audience who you don't have to worry is tired of hearting about your pet loss. Therapists can also offer you valuable tools for experiencing your emotions.

Suggestions for Remembering and Honoring Your Pet

Your relationship with your pet was deeply personal, so it makes sense that the ways you remember and honor them will be too. "I encourage people to be okay with doing something that feels right to YOU," says Kuehnle. Two suggestions of hers: "Maybe your dog loved walking to a certain spot and you go there and leave flowers. Maybe you have fond memories of hearing the sound of your animal's collar, so you keep that collar on your shelves."

If nothing comes to you right away as the correct thing to do, Kuehnle says to be gentle and patient with yourself. You've got all the time in the world to honor your pet, and you'll know what to do when the time is right. " Maybe now isn't even the time to engage in an act of remembering and honoring, but maybe 6 months from now you'll feel differently," she says, adding that "you have permission to do this however you need to, whenever you need to."

How to Help Your Family Cope With the Loss

If you have a family—and that includes other pets—you won't be alone in your grief. You might have to facilitate the grieving of others in your family.

"Parents can learn how kids at different ages and stages will conceptualize death and grief," says Kuehnle. "Developmentally, they will have a different grasp of what this means." She suggests utilizing The Dougy Center to provide age appropriate information to your child(ren).

Additionally, she says, "don't be afraid to check in with your family members to see how they're handling the grief, loss, and mourning. Help normalize and validate for them, model appropriate emotion release and regulation." And if the grief isn't turning a corner, consider therapy. She says this is the right step when grief has begun impeding life functions such as going to work or school.

If you have a pet who is experiencing the loss of their brethren, you can help them through it. The VCA recommends speaking in an upbeat voice to them even if you feel sad, spending time with them, trying new activities together, and making sure to keep up with their comforting day to day life plans.

Resources for Further Support

• Lap of Love offers support specific to the loss of a pet.
• Letters to Pushkin helps you use letter writing to process the grief of losing a pet.
• ASPCA has info for end of life care.
• Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement has a directory of services, including no-cost support groups.
• PetCloud features online support groups for pet loss every Sunday.

Healing Takes Time

Grief is very difficult, but it can't be rushed. The loss of a pet is the loss of a serious relationship, so expect it to be impactful. You're likely to feel sad for some time, and those feelings might ebb and flow. By being willing to feel your feelings, utilizing the help of therapy, and practicing self-care, you can facilitate the grieving process.

Losing a pet is awful, but eventually, the grief will settle, and you will feel better again. You'll always remember your pet, and there are many ways you can honor them. Whether they have two legs or four, our love lives on when our loved ones pass.