Navigating a Polycule: Exploring Non-Monogamous Networks

Polyamory isn't an easy concept for a lot of people to wrap their heads around, but for some people it really works. Increasingly, people are exploring relationship dynamics that don’t adhere strictly to the one-to-one traditional model of monogamy. There's a reason the interchangeable terms "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM) and "ethical non-monogamy" (ENM) have been trending lately.

According to the University of Indiana’s Kinsey Institute, one in nine Americans have engaged in some form of polyamory, a relationship where one person loves multiple partners at once. And, just like there are many ways to set up a monogamous relationship structure, there are many ways to set up a healthy polyamorous dynamic.

One version of this is creating what is known as a 'polycule.' It's a play on the word poly, meaning many, and molecule, referring to some of the basic building blocks of our bodies’ cells. When someone is part of a polycule, it means they have multiple partners, who also have multiple partners, and some of those partners may even overlap. But the goal is to have a respectful group of lovers who all care about one another's happiness, well-being, and relationship satisfaction.

The Interesting Realities of a Polycule

Markus Harwood-Jones, an author and PhD candidate, calls his current relationship dynamic “polycule-esque.” He lives with his husband of ten years and a platonic third partner. Together, they co-parent a child. He says that there are lots of questions this brings up both from others and within the group itself.

“We have to constantly navigate, like, how do we do our taxes? How do we figure out an RESP [registered education savings plan]? How do we figure out a birth certificate? How do we decide who's going to take the kid where today. And also, definitely a lot of our neighbors are sort of like, ‘Who are these three adults and their baby? What’s the story there?’”

Harwood-Jones has been polyamorous since his teens, something he says gives him an important vantage point as he lives his life. 

“[This] thing can be special, and beautiful," Harwood-Jones says, adding that these types of relationships are as "worthy of equal attention and equal celebration as all these cisgender heterosexual couples that we see.”

Harwood-Jones notes that being in a polyamorous relationship and living in the bounds of a polycule is a way to help you better understand who exactly you want to be, and what is realistic to ask of yourself and of other people. The strength of this type of relationship, when it is done openly and consensually, is that it promotes honesty and self-awareness.

Why Has Polyamory Become More Popular?

As for why more people are considering polyamory, Tammy Nelson (LPC), a relationship and sex therapist, says that she thinks more people broadened their horizons during the depths of the COVID-19 pandemic.

“What a lot of people realized is that you may need to outsource some of your needs, and maybe one partner can't meet all those needs," Nelson says. "So...instead of getting divorced and trading your partner in for a different model, the idea of polyamory means you'd have multiple people involved in helping raise the kids and you'd have more financial resources.”

Challenges of a Polycule

Like any dynamic, being in this type of polyamorous relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Nelson says that in order for a polycule to work equitably, no one can be forced into it and it can’t be seen as some way of legitimizing cheating. For Harwood-Jones, the key is knowing that it’s okay to change your mind if your boundaries aren’t being honored or if your needs aren’t being met.

“I think sometimes within the community, we might tell ourselves ‘Well, it can't be bad because it's radical.’ But if it's not working for you, if it's not feeling right, it's okay to trust your gut about that and take a step back.”

Some examples he gives include if a partner isn’t following the established guidelines around protection during sex or if they are skipping dates with you to see someone else, things that should be seen as a red flag in other relationships.

And then there are the logistical challenges. Nelson agrees that open lines of communication are even more important once you add more than two into a relationship dynamic.

She says that, within her practice, she often sees triggers being intensified by polyamorous relationships, particularly those that find their root in past experiences with siblings.

“How come they got the better night for the date? And how come they get the better room? And how can you pay more attention to them? And a lot of [that] stuff from your early childhood will get triggered in multiple partnerships.”

Welcoming in New Partners

As you might imagine, one of the main reasons communication and consent is so important in a polycule is how easy it might be for jealousy and other complicated feelings to enter the equation. If you or someone else in your group are interested in bringing someone new into the fold, it's not just a matter of those two people agreeing.

Your current partner or partners also have to be involved in the process, as do the current partner or partners of your potential new partner. If any link in that chain isn't on board, the dynamic may not work, and feelings can get hurt. It is important for all parties involved to have the willingness and courage to have difficult conversations and to tend to challenging feelings as they arise.

Polyamorous relationships can have all the complexities of the average monogamous relationship, multiplied by however many different individuals are involved. That's why openness is absolutely essential.

How a Polycule Can Be Great

For Harwood-Jones, he and his husband have agreed that no more partners will be added to the household at this stage (he jokingly calls his bed “crowded”) and communication remains core to their home’s success.

“With three people come three opinions, when we were picking our kids names, we had to have bi-weekly meetings with a Google Forms sheet that we filled out together.  I would liken it to having roommates [or] living with family members. Everybody knows the more people in the house, the more challenging it can be. But also, you're not the only one doing dishes.”

And it’s not just dishes, Harwood-Jones says that one partner has been able to stay home (eliminating the need for childcare costs) for two years and the added financial flexibility has meant that survival, no small feat in this economy, has become easier. That flexibility has also extended to his dating life. Multiple partners means that not everyone in the relationship has to be on board for certain dates all the time. There's someone else there to help pick up the slack, so to speak.

“There are always going to be people who don't get it, but if it is what brings you joy, what brings you contentment, what makes your life full, then you’ve got to live for your own life.”