How Self-Disclosure Impacts Relationships

Self-disclosure refers to the sharing of personal details about your life, such as your feelings, thoughts, and memories. If you tend to share a lot right away, you likely have a high level of self-disclosure. If you are more reserved about such things, you have lower self-disclosure levels.

For example, when you meet someone new, are you one of those people who immediately share personal and intimate details of your life? Or are you someone who holds back such information and shares only the deeply private things about yourself with a select few?

However, self-disclosure entails more than how much you are willing to tell others about yourself; it is also a crucial building block of intimacy and absolutely vital to a wide variety of social relationships. After all, how far would a romance go if you were unwilling to share your thoughts and experiences with your partner?

This article discusses the characteristics of self-disclosure and why it is vital in relationships. It also explores the potential benefits and risks of disclosing details about yourself.

How Self-Disclosure Works

Self-disclosure typically starts off more general. It also goes back and forth and involves a mutual sharing of information. As this progresses, the level of disclosure gradually becomes more personal, which then plays a role in strengthening the relationship.

Self-Disclosure Is Mutual

Building a successful relationship involves a mutual give-and-take between partners. Self-disclosure may be more limited in the early stages of a new relationship, but part of the reason people grow closer and more deeply involved is that they become progressively more open to sharing with their partner.

Self-disclosure can sometimes go well—it can lead to closer relationships and a better-shared understanding with the people you come into contact with each day. But sometimes these personal revelations don't go quite as planned. Have you ever said a bit too much during a job interview? Or posted something a little too personal on Facebook?

Inappropriate or poorly timed self-disclosure can sometimes lead to embarrassment and can even damage relationships. Successful self-disclosure hinges on a variety of factors, including the type of relationship people share, the setting in which this information is relayed, and the current level of intimacy shared by those involved.

Self-Disclosure Is Reciprocal

So how do people determine what to disclose about themselves and when? According to social penetration theory, the process of getting to know another person is characterized by a reciprocal sharing of personal information.

At the beginning stages of a relationship, people tend to be more cautious about how much they share with others. Whether you are at the early stages of a friendship, a working partnership, or a romantic affair, you will probably be more reticent about sharing your feelings, hopes, thoughts, dreams, fears, and memories.

What Causes People to Self-Disclose?

When someone tells you something deeply personal, do you ever feel compelled to share some similar detail from your own life? It is what is known as the norm of reciprocity that often makes us feel pressure to share with other people who have already divulged something about their own lives and feelings to us.

If someone tells you how they felt after reading a book, then you might feel a need to reciprocate and articulate how the book made you feel. If someone shares a painful experience from their recent past, then you might also feel a need to relate a similar difficulty that you faced in your own life.

Why do we feel a need to reciprocate in such situations? When someone shares something intimate, it creates a sort of imbalance. You suddenly know a great deal about this other person, but they might not know as much about you.

Factors That Influence Self-Disclosure

Researchers have found that a number of different factors can have an impact on self-disclosure.

Personality

Overall personality can play an important role. People who are naturally extroverted and who have an easier time forming relationships with others are more likely to self-disclose more early on in a relationship.

People who are naturally introverted or reserved tend to take much longer to get to know other people, which is often influenced by their tendency to hold back on disclosing things about themselves.

Mood

Mood is another factor that can influence how much personal information people choose to share with others. Researchers have found that people in a good mood are more likely to self-disclose than those in a bad mood.

Because being in a good mood leads people to be more optimistic and confident while being in a bad mood makes people feel more restrained and cautious.

Loneliness

Lonely people also tend to self-disclose much less than people who are not lonely. Unfortunately, this lack of self-disclosure can make it more difficult for people to get to know people experiencing loneliness.

This can become a vicious cycle in which loneliness decreases the likelihood that people will open up to others, which worsens their feelings of isolation.

Situational Factors

Researchers have also found that sometimes situational factors can play a role in how much people disclose to others. This is particularly true in situations where people are anxious or afraid of something.

Social Comparison

How we compare ourselves to others can also influence how much we self-disclose. According to the social comparison process, people tend to judge themselves based on how they measure up to others.

If you compare well with those around you, you are more likely to disclose your skills, knowledge, abilities, and talents. If you feel like other people are superior to you in these areas, you will probably be less likely to reveal these aspects of yourself.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure is about more than just talking about yourself. It is an ongoing conversation between people that deepens connections, creates intimacy, and builds supportive networks. Being able to share things about yourself and learn more about others creates lasting relationships that are essential for mental health and well-being.

Some of the key benefits of effective self-disclosure include:

• Stronger emotional bonds: Sharing details about your life and listening to someone else's stories can create emotional bonds. Such bonds help people feel seen, understood, and supported.
• Increased trust: The mutual sharing of information means that people often learn increasingly personal, intimate details about you. As the relationship progresses, you learn that the people you share these things with are safe and that you can trust them with what you share.
• Building relationships: As you get to know one another, you self-disclose more information, creating an even stronger bond. While you might be more reserved at the beginning of the relationship, the longer you are connected and the more you share, the more likely you will reveal more personal details about your thoughts, feelings, and memories.
• Sense of belonging: Talking to the people in your life helps create a sense of belonging. Because they are also willing to share personal things with you, it fosters the sense that you are part of a relationship beyond yourself.
• Social support: Self-disclosure is key to the formation of support networks. Having social support in your life can act as a buffer against stress and provide the emotional validation you need as you make sense of your experiences.
  

Risks of Self-Disclosure

While self-disclosure is key to successful interpersonal and romantic relationships, there are times when caution is necessary. Sharing things can be risky if the people are not trustworthy or if you are sharing is disclosed in the wrong context. Some areas where caution should be used include:

Social Events

Social events can often cause people to behave differently than they might in other settings. Being in a social environment might cause you to feel compelled to share more than you usually might with colleagues or clients. This can be particularly true when alcohol might lower your inhibitions and lead to greater levels of self-disclosure than you originally intended.

Oversharing or stepping beyond your normal boundaries can sometimes create awkwardness or other problems later on when you meet again in professional contexts.

Social Media

What you post online can persist long after you share it and may even be accessible if you try to remove it later. Researchers have found that people often share far more than they mean to and frequently fail to consider the potential long-term effects of what they say and do online.

How Self-Disclosure Influences Therapy

Therapy involves a great deal of self-disclosure, and therapy clients often need to share some of the most intimate and distressing details about themselves with their therapist. For those who are uncomfortable with self-disclosure, this can be a daunting task that makes them less likely to seek help when they really need it.

Feeling comfortable sharing with your therapist can also affect how much you benefit from therapy. Research has shown that the therapeutic relationship between clients and their therapists is one of the most critical factors affecting treatment success. 

How to Practice Self-Disclosure

If you want to get better at using self-disclosure to build relationships, some strategies can help:

• Choose what feels comfortable: You might be more at ease sharing certain details in different formats. For example, you might feel like talking about some things face-to-face, but a text or phone call might feel more comfortable in other situations.
• Start slow: Sharing too much information too quickly at the beginning of the relationship can be overwhelming or even off-putting to the other person. Instead, focus on going at a natural pace and try to match your level of sharing to your partner's. For example, you might share similar information if they share something about their favorite hobbies or interests.
• Consider your motives: Think about why you might want to share a certain piece of information. Will it help them get to know you better? Or is it something that might help you bond? Understanding why you are sharing something can help you better determine if it is worth disclosing.
• Choose what to share: Knowing what to share isn't easy, but is often a good idea to start with more general things and gradually work your way to more personal information the closer the relationship becomes. If you consider sharing something personal, consider where you are in the relationship and how you might best share the information.
  

A Word From Verywell

Self-disclosure is a remarkably complex communication process that has a powerful impact on how our relationships with others form, progress, and endure. How we share, what we share, and when we share are just a few of the factors that can influence whether our self-disclosure is effective and appropriate.