The Benefits of Couples Therapy While Separated

About 88% of Americans report that love is a very important reason to consider getting married, according to a 2013 Pew Research Center survey. That said, love isn't easy, and relationships can still be complicated by pressure, expectations, and the stress of finances, life transitions, and family dynamics. Couples also face challenges of emotional bonding and keeping intimacy alive throughout their relationship.

We look to our partners for comfort, reassurance, and closeness but get hurt when we are not feeling that connection. People in relationships may find themselves stuck in unhelpful patterns of disconnect and, over time, start thinking that they are no longer meant to be together.

If you’re wondering if you should stay in a relationship or split up, you may also try to decide where couples therapy might fit into the equation and whether you can even go to therapy together if you’re separated.

In this article, we’ll talk about the benefits and drawbacks of doing couples therapy if you’re separated, including what to expect from therapy.

Trying Separation Before Divorce

When couples find their relationship in distress, they may assume that it’s over and the bond cannot be healed, but that may not be the case. Sometimes, it’s beneficial for couples to separate while they’re deciding what step to take next in their marriage.

Choosing a Trial Separation

A trial separation can be an option for couples who are struggling in their relationship but are not sure if divorce is the right step. When partners are not getting along, they may choose to live in different locations while they work through challenges within the relationship.

Some people consider a trial separation to be "one foot out of the door" and a stepping stone to divorce. But every couple is different, and there are a variety of reasons for trying a trial separation. Divorce is not inevitable for all couples who try separation.

Living apart while going to relationship counseling can be beneficial for some couples as they are working on their relationship. Part of that work is distancing themselves from any unhealthy patterns that they engaged in while living together.

How to Suggest Counseling to Your Partner

You may wonder if there is ever a good time to approach your partner about going to marriage counseling. Often, the best time to ask is when you believe that counseling could help your relationship. If you are separated but believe couples counseling would be helpful, the awkwardness of asking your partner is a risk that might be worth taking.

So, how do you ask your partner to go to counseling with you? Keep in mind that fear is what most often stops people from starting counseling. You or your partner may fear experiencing more emotional pain in the process of being perceived as the "bad one" or the "broken one."

How to Find a Couples Counselor

Many counselors and other clinicians who say they work with couples are not trained in this specialized work. That’s why it’s important to do your research before selecting a counselor so you can find someone who will be equipped to help in your unique situation.

The key factor to consider is whether someone’s training specifically is related to marriage and relationship counseling. You will want to know that the counselor you choose will be able to understand the delicate status of the relationship while also being able to help you navigate the waters of relationship healing and repair.

Don't be afraid to contact a few different counselors in your area and ask questions about the services they offer.

Take time to reflect on your fears about going to counseling and what your partner may be afraid of. Allow space for both of you to talk openly about your concerns, and, if possible, make an effort to research counselors together to find someone you both feel comfortable with.

Couples Counseling During Separation: What to Expect

What happens during couples counseling between you and your partner will be unique to your needs, goals, and experiences.

During your first session, your therapist will take care of practical steps like finishing paperwork and making sure you and your partner understand how counseling will work. You may also need to talk to them about insurance coverage and payment if you haven't already discussed this when you made your appointment.

The first few sessions you have with a therapist will be spent talking about yourself and your relationship. You and your partner will each talk about your lives apart from each other as well as what your life together has been like. You each may discuss your childhood, family, work, and past relationships. Your therapist will ask you both a lot of questions. Be an active listener as you answer them.

It’s also important to listen to what your partner has to say, even if you think you already know what they’re going to say. These conversations can be an important opportunity for you to get to know them again if you’ve been living apart (emotionally and/or physically) for some time.

As your sessions continue, you will work together with your therapist to address specific aspects of your relationship. You and your partner will have your own goals as individuals and those you want to work on together. One area you may need to focus on, for example, is communication. Throughout your sessions, your therapist will keep an eye on your progress toward your goals and give you a sense of the timeline that you are on.

You will periodically reassess with your therapist as counseling progresses. If you reach a decision point and do not feel that the work is done, you may choose to continue to work with them. It’s also possible that you will feel empowered to do the work with your partner to restore your relationship outside of therapy, in which case you may decide to get back together. If not, and you choose to separate or divorce, the next part of counseling might be something you take on by yourself.

Benefits of Separation Counseling

Marriage counselor Dana Vince, MA, LPC, MHSP, suggests that there are plenty of benefits a couple can experience in counseling while separated. Whether they’re still together or living apart, counseling can help couples "understand the patterns that occurred that led to this place, how to gain clarity, and grow from the experience so that old patterns are not repeated."

Vince states that for high-conflict couples, in particular, separation can help to de-escalate the conflict, allowing relationship counseling to serve as a safe space to process what is happening in their dynamic.

If you and your partner are currently separated, relationship counseling may offer hope for reconnection. Other benefits of counseling include:

• Guidance to manage a smooth transition back into the home.
• Opportunities to de-escalate existing conflict.
• Professional help with repairing relationships.
• Help with on reconciliation to build a solid, healthy relationship.
• Safe space to see and hear how the conflict is affecting each partner.
• Help with processing challenging emotions over the next steps to take.
• Time to gain an understanding of what may have led to a disconnection.
• Trusted guidance to navigate difficult decision-making about the relationship.

Drawbacks of Separation Counseling

There are also some potential downsides to separation counseling you’ll want to consider:

• Emotionally charged work can be uncomfortable and stressful.
• Topics discussed in sessions may instigate arguments or fuel fights.
• Resistance or unwillingness to take part from a partner can be frustrating.
• Investing time and money may not be practical.
• One partner may dominate sessions if they are more open and comfortable expressing their emotions.
• Working together in therapy may create expectations or give false hope that a relationship will improve when, in reality, it might be best to separate.

One thing that will be key to ensuring couples counseling is effective is to work with a trained therapist who is equipped to help you navigate what will come up and be challenging for you and your partner during therapy. A skilled therapist, for example, will identify power struggles and defuse tensions.

Summary

Couples who are separated or considering it are under a great deal of stress. The emotions of each partner are likely running high, while hopes for change and improvement are low—or even absent.

Couples counseling can offer you and your partner space and time to determine what steps to take next in your relationship. With the help of a trained counselor, you can determine if healing is possible or if it would be healthier for both of you to go your own way.