Edmunds: Letting others tow their own wagon

Hi Gladys: Business is great in my construction company. I meet all expenses and the payroll without any problems. And I make pretty good money to take home. However, I have several relatives who are constantly asking for loans that they have no way of paying back. A few weeks ago while attending a church service the sermon was all about the sins of selfishness and how important it is to help others. I want to do the right thing, so far business is good but I realize that the business climate can change in a flash. Because of the success of the business I must put money away for retirement. But I don't want to feel guilty about not responding to relatives asking me for money that I will never see again. Any suggestions? — Mike

Keep in mind that taking care of yourself is your first responsibility. Putting money away for your retirement is an important part of self-care.

Helping is also important. It's safe to say that many, if not most of us, have been in situations with relatives and friends asking for loans that they can't or won't pay back and especially pay it back when we really need the money.

Making a sacrifice to help others when you know you need your resources to secure yourself can be cruel and unreasonable self-punishment.

I have first hand experience in this area. I recall a relative convinced me to lend him money to relocate him and his family across the country to the West Coast. He said he had found a great job opportunity there and if I would help him make the move he would pay me back in payments from his newly found employment. Well I helped!

Seventeen years passed and he returned to Pittsburgh alone. His wife had divorced him and remarried. His children were grown and had gone off to create lives of their own and not once did he mention paying me back what amounted to $5,000.

Recently he won $47,000 playing poker at the casino. He was so excited when he called to tell me of his great fortune. He boasted on how he had given $500 to the taxi driver that drove him home from the casino, $2,000 to the dealer at the table. He even sent $500 to a friend in jail, but no mention of repayment to me. He went through the winnings in record speed and called me to ask to borrow $20.

A book that I enjoy reading is, George S. Clason's The Richest Man in Babylon. There is a tale in the book that might help you in making future decisions around being helpful. It's a conversation between an ass and an ox.

The ox complains about having to work all day and at the end of the day he is tired, his legs and feet are sore, his neck is stiff and it hurts from the harness. The ox told the ass that all he does is carry the boss whenever the boss has to go somewhere; otherwise the ass eats grass and relaxes all day.

In an effort to be helpful, the ass told him to pretend to be sick tomorrow and that would give him a day of rest.

Meanwhile when the farmer learned of the ox's illness he hitched the harness and wagon to the ass. The ass worked all day doing the work of the ox while the ox had a relaxing day of rest.

Needless to say the ass was fuming about all the pain and suffering, soreness and exhaustion that he experienced that day while doing the ox's job.

There are a couple messages in this tale. One, that it's okay to help your friends but not to the detriment of yourself. And second, sometimes it's best to allow each person to tow his or her own wagon without any interference.

Gladys Edmunds, founder of Edmunds Travel Consultants in Pittsburgh, is an author and coach/consultant in business development. Her column appears Wednesdays. E-mail her at [email protected]. An archive of her columns is here. Her website is gladysedmunds.com.