Influencer Taylor Frankie Paul dropped a bombshell in the Mormon MomTok community when she revealed that she and her ex-husband had participated in “soft swinging.”
Paul, who has more than 4 million TikTok followers, shared in a 2022 video that she had violated the agreement she had with her then-husband, Tate Paul, about soft swinging with other couples, revealing that they were getting a divorce.
“The agreement was … as long as we were both there and we saw it and we knew it, it was OK, and the second it goes behind without each other, you’ve stepped out of the agreement,” she said in the video. “And I did that.”
While Tate has not spoken publicly about the scandal, Paul suggested that soft swinging had been common in her tight-knit circle of fellow MomTokers.
The allegation sent shockwaves through #MomTok, an online community of Mormon moms, and the aftermath of the scandal continues to unfold in Hulu’s new eight-part reality series about Paul and her fellow MomTok influencers, “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.”
Paul’s video may mark the first time some people heard the term “soft swinging,” but this type of non-monogamous practice is nothing new, says Jillian Amodio, a licensed therapist and sex educator.
“The concept of open relationships has been around for as long as humans have been around,” she says.
Keep reading to learn more about what exactly soft swinging is, what role it can play in relationships, and why people are so fascinated by Taylor Frankie Paul’s soft swinging scandal that took over TikTok.
What is soft swinging?
Soft swinging can be “a form of ethical non-monogamy, as long as all parties are aware and consenting,” Amodio says.
Ethical non-monogamy, also known as consensual non-monogamy, is an overarching term for any relationship in which all parties involved consent to engage in romantic, sexual or other intimate activity with multiple people, according to the American Psychological Association’s Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy.
Swinging is one possible type of consensual non-monogamous activity. Often, people who engage in swinging are romantically exclusive to one partner, and “mutually seek out other sexual relationships together,” according to the APA. Couples may jointly participate in sex with another couple, or swap partners between couples.
How is this different from soft swinging? While there is no official definition for soft swinging, the term often refers to practicing swinging without going “all the way to a full sexual relationship, including penetration,” Amodio says.
This is how Taylor Frankie Paul described the type of soft swinging she and her friend group once practiced.
“Soft swinging is when you do other things but you don’t go all the way,” she said in her Tiktok Live in May 2022. “That’s what happened with us.”
Paul said she and a group of people practiced this type of consensual soft swinging on several occasions.
“There was a group of us that were intimate with each other. All of us were pretty open to it and on board for it,” she said. “Obviously no one was forced. We did this on occasion. We would have parties and everyone by the end of the night would go and do all that … it happened several times.”
What are the rules of soft swinging?
In her May 2022 TikTok Live, Paul explained the rules she and her group had for soft swinging gatherings.
“The agreement was, we could do anything … as long as we were in front of each other and on the same page, it was fine,” she said. “But the second you go separately, that’s not OK. And so I broke that rule.”
For Paul and her friends, it was an important boundary for people to only be intimate with others with the awareness and consent of other group members.
This was a rule her group negotiated, but according to Amodio, there’s no such thing as a universal rulebook for soft swinging.
Every person will have different preferences and comfort levels, she says, and the crucial element of any consensual non-monogamous relationship is how the parties involved negotiate boundaries that work for them.
When it comes to establishing boundaries, blanket rules like “No cheating” or “No sex” might not be enough, because these phrases could be open to different interpretations, Amodio says.
“This is what we talk about in therapy with couples who want to explore open relationships or consensual non-monogamy … ‘What does physical intimacy mean to you? What does sex mean to you? What does cheating mean to you?’” she says.
“If your definition is different than your partner’s definition, that’s where we run into problems,” she adds.
Amodio also says that as a relationship evolves, it’s OK to revisit previously agreed rules, and for participants to check in with themselves about whether those boundaries still feel right for them.
“It’s OK to ebb and flow and to change and go, ‘Well, this felt good at the moment. It doesn’t feel good now,’” she says.
Amodio also shares her advice for maintaining trust in a soft swinging relationship, or other types of non-monogamous relationships.
“One, don’t lie. Be honest. Answer questions honestly — don’t hide things from a partner,” she says.
Second, she recommends being “curious” about your partner’s feelings.
“Make sure you’re checking in with your partner. Make sure that they are getting what they need emotionally and physically,” she says. “Honor their wants, needs, honor their comforts and discomforts. It really is communication and consent.”
What role can soft swinging play in a relationship?
Amodio says some people might view soft swinging as an “excuse” or rationalization for cheating, or they might think the practice is “just an avenue to open up to problems in a marriage or problems in a relationship.”
Consensual non-monogamy may not be right for everyone, but Amodio says practices like soft swinging can benefit a relationship, if all parties involved are fully consenting.
“For some people it benefits a relationship because it fulfills a niche area that maybe their primary spouse or primary partner is unable, or doesn’t have a desire, to fill,” she says.
Amodio adds that “some people just have the capacity to love beyond one person,” similar to how we have different friends in our lives who fulfill different needs.
Consensual non-monogamy can also create “excitement” in a relationship and open up avenues of “sexual adventure” and “experimentation,” she says.
She adds that in her work with clients, she has seen happy relationships — and unhappy ones — take many forms, whether those couples are in monogamous or polyamorous relationships.
“I see clients who are in monogamous relationships who are extremely happy. I see clients in monogamous relationships who are miserable,” she says, adding that the same goes for polyamorous unions.
“There’s this misconception that, ‘Oh, if someone is engaging in an open relationship, if someone is looking outside of their marriage or their committed relationship for sex or intimacy, something must be wrong.’ And that’s just not the case.”
TikTok's fascination with Paul's soft swinging confession
While the term ‘soft swinging’ may be new to many, the way the MomTok scandal has played out feels familiar, Amodio says.
“Sex will never not be scandalous,” she says.
When it comes to sex scandals unfolding on social media, Amodio says content creators might feel more comfortable divulging secrets online than they would face-to-face.
“Even if our face is on a video, it still feels comfortable and safe to kind of be behind a screen,” she says.
Amodio adds that when people like Paul share confessional videos on social media, it creates the illusion of intimacy between the speaker and the viewer.
“(It's like) they’re talking to you,” she says. “They’re not talking to a million people, they’re not talking to all their followers, they’re talking to you because it’s on your screen. So, ‘Oh my gosh, they’re telling me this secret.’”
Amodio also says having more intimate access to people on social media only heightens our fascination with their private lives.
“It’s just like reality TV. We want to see things play out,” she says.