The best friendships enhance our lives, make us feel supported and loved and boost our overall happiness. Some studies even indicate that friendships are as essential to our health, well-being and longevity as diet and exercise.
What kind of friendships make us happiest? Research shows that people need between three to five close friends to achieve optimal life satisfaction. Having more close friendships than that can become hard to balance.
“We don’t generally have sufficient time or emotional energy to sustain more than five close friendships at any given time,” Lauren Napolitano, a clinical psychologist practicing in Philadelphia, tells TODAY.com. “Less than three close friendships is less than ideal because it lowers our odds of getting our needs met if one of those friends is unavailable.”
Looser connections with friends you’re not as close to can be just as valuable — especially as our social needs grow and change over time. Here’s a look at the five types of friendships we need for optimal happiness and well-being:
The 5 types of friends
Friendships can look different depending on a variety of factors, such as how long you've known them and how you met.
Close friends
Close friends are people you’ve known for many years who have been with you through ups and downs. Though there may be periods where you’re not in touch, you can pick up right where you left off at any point and can always call them when you’re in need.
According to Dr. Anjali Ferguson, a clinical psychologist based in Virginia, close friendships are most essential for mental health. In these relationships, judgments and social desirability are less important, and an individual can be their most authentic form,” she explains. “These relationships challenge us and support us simultaneously while helping us grow through validation and safety.”
Lifelong friends
There may be some overlap between close friends and lifelong friends. Napolitano says that lifelong friends have the benefit of knowing you when you were still growing and developing as a person. “Also sometimes called ‘family friends,’ these people have known you and your family since childhood,” she says.
Napolitano describes these friends as knowing all the distinctive ways you were raised, who also understand your parents and siblings well. “While you might not speak to these friends regularly, there’s a depth of understanding that helps us to feel steady and secure in our friendship with them,” she adds.
Ferguson says lifelong friendships become even more important as we age because our social circles become smaller. “In these friendships, individuals may experience a multitude of life changes and stressors, so these supports can become paramount for navigating stressful life events.”
Friends of convenience
Friendships built on proximity, such as friends we make through a hobby or those who live in our neighborhood, are considered friendships of convenience. You may see these friends more often than your close friends due to proximity and shared interests, such as trying a new restaurant in the neighborhood. Though these friendships may not last throughout our lifetime, Ferguson says they still play an important role in our happiness and well-being. “They can offer a sense of belonging or support during a period of adjustment or transition (which can be a much-needed stress reducer),” she says.
Work friends
“I don’t think any of us realized the emotional support that we received from our work friends until we were banished into remote work environments,” says Napolitano.
Although you may lose touch after one or both of you move on to a new company, work friends who understand the struggles you’re facing and can validate your feelings offer a kind of support that no other friend can. “Work friends keep our spirits up, validate our complaints about our job or industry, and provide much-needed predictability in our work lives,” Napolitano says.
Same-chapter-of-life friends
As we move through different phases of life, it’s important to be supported by others who are experiencing the same struggles simultaneously. “Whether you’re prepping for the SAT, pregnant with your first child or getting divorced, we need friends who can support us and inspire us as they navigate the same challenges,” says Napolitano. “We learn from their mistakes and successes, and we feel that this kind of friend is uniquely invested in helping us navigate this chapter of life.”
Can one friend fill all of these roles?
There can always be overlap within these friendship types. You may grow and maintain a close friendship with a work friend or have a friend of convenience turn into a same-chapter-of-life friend. However, Ferguson says it’s not realistic to attempt to get the kind of support we need socially from just one friend.
“If this one relationship does end or become distant, it can have profound impacts on our mental health,” she says. “Furthermore, relying on just one individual for all your friendship needs can potentially become overwhelming and taxing for that individual.”
Do social media friends count?
Social media can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it has the power to unite people with similar interests or marginalized groups. “Here, social media is a powerful tool to help connect like-minded folks across the world,” says Ferguson. “But research also demonstrates that our generations are growing increasingly disconnected from meaningful social connections, so it is important we remain present-focused and mindful of establishing physical connections as well.”
If you’re missing a few types of friendships from this list, it’s never too late to make a new one. “It’s harder than when we were in high school or college, but it’s worth it to always try to make new connections because you never know when you’ll make a new friend," Napolitano says.
Friendships can change
A person can provide more than one type of friendship at a time, and they can also transition from one role to another, or stop having any role, over the course of your life.
"I love that saying that there are friendships for a reason, a season, and there are some that are for life," Niro Feliciano, psychotherapist and TODAY contributor, tells TODAY.com. Certain experiences, like having kids, can bring friends together, but another, like realizing you have different parenting styles, can create distance.
There doesn't necessarily need to be a falling out or transgression for a friendship to change. But if a major life event is occurring for one or both friends, the friendship may look different, and it will require work to maintain it, Feliciano explains.
"No matter what the transition is in life, (think about) what's our history? Do I love this person, and how can I support them in the place that they're at? How can we find time to connect even though life has changed, and what does that look like in this new season of life? Are there things that we have to give each other grace for, and empathy and understanding?" Feliciano says.
"If we can have conversations like that, there are many transitions that we can navigate. I think the problem is people get offended ... and a friendship is more likely to end if we're not communicating."
Signs of good vs bad friends
It can be hard to tell or accept when a friend is no longer adding something positive to your life and move on, if necessary. Here are some signs of good and bad friends, according to Feliciano.
Good friends
- They check in and make it clear they're thinking of you.
- When you see each other, you pick up right where you left off.
- They give you grace and don't assume the worst.
- You feel comfortable communicating about your friendship dynamic.
Bad friends
- You are putting in most or all of the effort to maintain the friendship.
- You do not feel like you are getting much back from the friendship.
- The person does not choose you over other people.
- You feel drained after spending time with the friend.
- They speak badly about you behind your back.