Dear Therapist: How Can I Get My Stepdaughter to Dump Her Dead-End Boyfriend?

Dear Therapist,

My stepdaughter is 35 years old and has been in a relationship with a 38-year-old man for five years. He is an only child with odd parents and is a bit odd himself. It takes so much patience to deal with his idiosyncrasies—such as his food habits, for example.

He comes to our house for holiday meals and never brings anything, but comes with containers to take food home. He never buys gifts for my stepdaughter. They have been going to weddings of her friends, but it doesn’t occur to him to think of marriage or making a commitment to her.

She bought her own condo three years ago, but he seems content with a tiny apartment. She is sort of resigned to this dead-end relationship, but I need a good way to convince her that she can move on. Help.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Many people can relate to your dilemma of anxiously watching someone they care about make what seems to them like a bad choice in life. Understandably, you want your stepdaughter to be happy, and your concern comes from a place of love. But love, especially in parenting, can be complicated, because sometimes love can lead us to confuse our own desires and values with those of our children. This is true when they’re young and doesn’t necessarily get any easier as they move through adulthood and the consequences of their choices become more significant.

You asked for a good way to persuade your stepdaughter to move on, but the more important question you need to answer is how you can express your love by offering the support that serves her best. This is where gaining clarity on the line between her feelings and yours comes in.

Specifically, I notice that when you describe your stepdaughter’s boyfriend, you don’t say who is bothered by him and his behaviors. For instance, whose patience is tested by what you call his idiosyncrasies—hers, yours, or both? Has she expressed frustration that he doesn’t buy her gifts, or are you assuming she feels as you might in this situation? Do you know that marriage “doesn’t occur to him” when they go to friends’ weddings based on her sharing that with you, or are you simply guessing because they aren’t engaged? Once you distinguish any assumptions you might be making from what your stepdaughter is actually experiencing, you’ll know how to support her well-being.

Let’s say that she has discussed with you her unhappiness over the various issues you mention in your letter. In that case, the most helpful thing you can do for her is to simply listen and ask nonjudgmental questions, while keeping your opinions to yourself. If she says, “His idiosyncrasies are hard to deal with,” instead of responding with “I know, I think he’s very odd!,” you can say, “Have you considered talking to him about your frustration?” If she says she has but he’s unwilling to be more flexible, instead of saying, “See, that’s why you should leave him!,” you can say, “That sounds really hard. How are you feeling about that?” Similarly, if she says, “He never buys me gifts,” instead of calling him a cheapskate or selfish, you can say, “Have you told him how you feel about this?” If she says she hasn’t, you might ask, “What’s keeping you from being open with him?” If she says she has but his response feels invalidating (“I don’t believe in gifts”), you could say, “I can imagine how hurtful it must feel when you’re with someone who doesn’t respond to what you need.”

This is called supportive reflection, and you can apply it to all of her complaints. If she makes a comment about his not having her level of ambition or lifestyle preferences, instead of insulting his choices or character, you could say, “How are the two of you working through this difference?” And if she expresses concern about his interest in marriage, you can ask, “Are the two of you talking openly about your goals and his, and whether they align on a timetable that realistically works for both of you, given that you’ve spent five years together?” If she shares that she’s “resigned” to staying in a “dead-end relationship,” you might say, “It breaks my heart to see you in a relationship that isn’t making you happy. I wonder if seeing a therapist might help you see your worth more clearly.”

One mistake many well-meaning parents make in trying to protect their children from wasting time with someone they view as the wrong partner is becoming so aggressively critical of the partner that their children no longer feel comfortable voicing their own ambivalence about the relationship. Instead, the children wind up feeling an even stronger need to defend their partner and hide any issues that do come up and for which they might otherwise want your guidance and support. Moreover, if they eventually get married, they’ll always know that their parents think that their spouse (and perhaps the mother or father of their future children) is a loser.

By listening and asking questions, you’re directing these concerns back to your stepdaughter so she can give them some thought herself while also implying that instead of telling you what she doesn’t like, she should be talking about these issues with her boyfriend. If she and her boyfriend can’t communicate openly and take each other’s needs seriously—or if their needs and desires are incompatible—they will be far better off confronting these realities together rather than using that valuable time to vent to you. Most important, you’re reflecting back to her that she is worthy of being in a fulfilling relationship that aligns with her needs and life goals, and, by implication, that if that isn’t possible with this particular person, she deserves to find it elsewhere.

Remember that even with your support, your stepdaughter might not change her mind. We can’t protect our children from the mistakes (perceived or real) they make in life, but we can always provide supportive guidance along the way and make sure to be there for them if things go badly.

However, if the concerns you write about are yours alone, the best way to support your stepdaughter’s well-being is to take steps to contain your own anxiety about her choices. Although the kind of relationship she’s in might not appeal to you, you’re going to need to get genuinely curious about why it appeals to her. Find out what she likes about her boyfriend by trying to see him through her eyes and take in the entirety of who he is. Ask her what she loves about him so you can get to know him better. Listen more closely for the positive stories she tells about him and their relationship. Most people are not all good or all bad, and focusing on his positive aspects, if he does make your stepdaughter happy, will help you offer the kind of love and support you seem eager to provide.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.