At SELF, we’ve written a lot about how important it is to cut yourself some slack right now, whether that means minimizing the word should throughout your day or finding small ways to smile. We understand that the coronavirus pandemic has brought significant changes to everyday life. Before the pandemic, it was a bit easier to parse the difference between a random bad mood and concrete stressors, but now things might be a lot more confusing. Wading through this murkiness is how I came to the following conclusion: I’m not always interested in being cheered up, and that’s okay.
A few weeks ago I was moping around when someone I adore recommended an audiobook on happiness to lift my spirits. I’m no stranger to books and other resources meant to improve my quality of life. But for some reason, I just wasn’t feeling it.
Usually, when someone is trying to cheer me up, I try to let them. Or, at the very least, I express gratitude for the concern. But on this day, sitting in my bed, I said the first thing that came to mind: “I’m not overwhelmingly interested in being inspired right now.” Then I added a :::shrug::: emoji for good measure.
Before I explain why this was the best idea I’d had all week, I want to state the obvious: There’s immense value in finding ways to lift your mood and challenge anxious thoughts when they crop up right now. I’m not advocating for you to refuse help and commit to unhappiness indefinitely. But in the harsh light of the pandemic, platitudes like “everything will work out” might not provide the same comfort. A TED Talk on the science of happiness might feel like a pressure that you don’t need. So what has become more helpful (for me anyway) is shifting from trying to feel better into processing my experience. I find it helpful to say, “This is happening, I’m not stoked about it, so I’m going to sit in my feels for a little bit.” As someone who has a good deal of mental health support (including a survival plan that involves contacting my therapist in the event of severe mental anguish), I’m not intimidated by my bad moods. They don’t last forever, so I let myself have one (as a treat).
I can’t guarantee that this will be helpful for everyone. I also can’t guarantee that the person on the other end of your “no thanks” will take it in stride like my person did. But while it might sound dramatic to tell someone that you’re not interested in positivity at the moment, it was actually one of the kindest things I could’ve done for myself. I gave up the need to perform. This is important because any emotions you’re feeling right now—positive, negative, or in between—are normal and don’t necessarily need to be “fixed.”
If you’re intrigued by this option but giving up on the pursuit of good cheer feels terrifying, or you’re a bit worried that you will slip into a deeper sadness if you try, you can give yourself a deadline. Put a pause on being coaxed into a better mood for a few hours or a few days. Or take a deep breath and tell the people in your life what you do need if cheerful book recommendations or nudges to (safely) “get outside” feel a little flat. And if your bad mood starts to feel like something you can’t shake in a really worrisome way, it’s totally fine to change your mind and try out the suggestion your loved one offered up, reach out to a friend or family member to chat, or get in touch with a health care provider for support.
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