We’re all well-acquainted with the policies and personalities of Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, and Scott Walker. But to focus on only a few front-runners is to neglect a huge portion of the G.O.P. Presidential field. Here are fifteen more Republican candidates who hope to become the next President of the United States.
**Representative Micah Gringe
** Though Gringe’s legislative record is somewhat thin, the freshman representative from Minnesota has distinguished himself in the 114th Congress by wearing an oversized Dr. Seuss hat and holding two lit sparklers at all times. Political analysts believe that such strategies may also help him to stand out in an already crowded G.O.P. primary field.
**Ronnie Feldspar
** In 2011, the former Tennessee senator boldly vowed that he would stop anyone from declaring Sharia law over the Dollywood theme park, in Pigeon Forge. It wasn’t a popular position at the time, but, in the intervening years, no one has declared Sharia law over Dollywood. (No one has even thought about it.) Feldspar is also known for successfully defending all twelve Tennessee Olive Garden locations against ISIS.
**Leland Vanderbilt-Koch
** Vanderbilt-Koch’s is a true American success story. As an aspiring entrepreneur, he managed to scrimp and save and inherit the $3.7 billion needed to start his own small business. Today that business is worth almost $3.8 billion. Vanderbilt-Koch has said that, as President, he will “run America like a corporation, or perhaps even a very large duchy.” He enjoys eating “McDonald’s hot dog” and shaking hands with peasants of all varieties.
**Jed Busch (no relation)
** Jed Busch has no prior political experience, but he just kind of figured what the heck, you know? If nothing else, running for President might help him land a couple of d.j. gigs around the Tallahassee metro area.
**“Dr.” Bruce Spurling
** As a certified optometrist assistant, Spurling is uniquely qualified to debunk the so-called “science” behind global warming, fracking bans, and the bogus claim that dinosaurs didn’t read the Bible to each other.
**Jane Ladywoman
** Ladywoman may be the four-term comptroller of Potter County, Pennsylvania, but first and foremost she is a human female of the woman gender. See, the Republican Party isn’t just a bunch of dudes and Carly Fiorina! Women make up half of the population; there’s no reason they shouldn’t make up half of one-seventh of all G.O.P. Presidential candidates. Ladywoman endorses cutting taxes, infinity scarves, “The Bachelorette,” the death penalty, mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds, and dishing.
**Mitt Romney Mark II
** The Mitt Romney Mark I made amazing strides in the field of Presidential politics (ultimately achieving second place before self-destructing). Now a brand-new Mitt Romney has been unveiled, just in time for this electoral season. This model’s business acumen and amazingly lifelike gaze could make all the difference in 2016. Any references to RomneyCare have been deleted from the Mark II’s hard drive.
**Confused Jim Webb
** The former senator Jim Webb officially declared his intention to seek the Democratic nomination for President on July 2, 2015. Unfortunately, he filled out some of the paperwork wrong.
**That One Guy from “CSI: Atlanta”
** People tend to assume that all big names in Hollywood are liberals. Well, that one guy from “CSI: Atlanta” (the one with the gray hair) certainly begs to differ! He announced his candidacy at a star-studded event, attended by that one karate guy and that little kid from the baseball movie who’s an adult now.
**Chrus Chrustie
** Remember when America loved Chris Christie? He was the Springsteen-listening, bipartisan tough guy who pounded the beaches after Hurricane Sandy. Then some stuff happened. Well, what if you could have fun 2012 Chris Christie back, without all the baggage? That’s exactly what you get with the candidate Chrus Chrustie: the same conservative pragmatism, the same hard-charging, tell-it-like-it-is attitude. He even looks exactly like Chris Christie—except for Chrustie’s trademark sunglasses, cowboy hat, and giant mustache, that is! Chrus Chrustie has pledged that he will never debate Chris Christie in person.
**Gunhands
** Of course, all the Republican candidates say they believe in gun rights. But how many of them would volunteer to have both hands surgically replaced with two chrome-plated Desert Eagle semi-automatic pistols? Just one, and his name is Gunhands.
**Alan Keyes (probably)
** Alan Keyes just might be running for President, as he did in 1996, 2000, and 2008. Sure, he left the Republican Party or something. But Alan Keyes has got to be feeling that itch. I bet you ten bucks the guy’s running.
**Representative the Sklorrrrg
** The Sklorrrrg is the mysterious crystalline Congress-being representing the extra-dimensional Zth district of Kansas. If elected President, the Sklorrrrg has promised to deliver “an infinite crystalline future unto the planet,” necessitating the extinction of all carbon-based life forms. Also to repeal Obamacare.
**Darren
** Oh yeah, Darren is totally running, too! I can’t believe that I almost forgot about Darren.
**A Toaster with a Ron Paul Sticker on It
** Of all the candidates on this list, there’s only one who has truly captured the imagination of the electorate: an old KitchenAid toaster with a faded Ron Paul 2008 sticker on it. Though the toaster hasn’t yet issued any statements about a possible Presidential run, political insiders believe that an announcement is imminent. Amid surging popularity on social media, recent polls have shown the Toaster with the Ron Paul Sticker on It running neck-and-neck with Bobby Jindal.
