Is unhappiness a choice?

"Every problem you have in life has a single cause. You care too much what other people think of you."

I turned 34 last week.

When I was 18, I thought a six figure career as a pharmacist would make me happy. At 25, I thought having passive income, digital nomadism, and entrepreneur life would be the "secret" to fulfillment and purpose.

But whenever I hit these milestones, I still felt empty and unsatisfied - no matter how much I accomplished. It wasn't until I read the book, The Courage to be Disliked, where I realized the source of my unhappiness.

Here are three core insights that I took away from my 7 trip 👇

Warning ⚠️: This book is controversial and is not recommended for people with intense trauma.

#1. The past cannot make you unhappy

Something I'm struggling with in my thirties is dealing with frustration and anger when it comes to my relationships and dad. While therapy was helpful for analyzing my mental loops and coping mechanisms, sometimes I felt like I was unable to heal because of my past (AKA learned helplessness).

But it wasn't my past that was causing the unhappiness. I was attaching "not being good enough" whenever I felt abandoned. We all go through our own shit. And sometimes hurt people hurt people.

What I realized is that I should be careful about the meaning that I put behind my past experiences.

#2. Unhappiness comes from external approval

Growing up, I wanted to make the people around me happy even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. But what I realized, no matter who the external source of approval was - a teacher, parents, society, or girlfriend, it ended with unhappiness.

It's human to crave approval. We're built that way. But if we chase approval, we often end up living other people's lives. It's the reason why I went to pharmacy school. I wanted to finally get the approval and love from my dad that I never got as a kid.

I was unhappy because my goals were centered around pleasing other people, which is an impossible goal to begin with.

#3. You can choose who you are and what you feel

"Unhappiness is a choice."

When I read this, I asked myself... after everything I went through was I really choosing to be unhappy? While I didn't have complete "control" over the past, I focused my goals on earning external approval. And when things didn't work out, I felt let down. But what if we could choose a different set of goals that weren't based on other people?

Instead of people pleasing, happy people focused on being useful to those around them unconditionally. As long as they believe that they're helping others, they feel no emotional attachment to what others think of them.

Just because you can decide to be happy doesn't mean it's easy.

Sometimes I forget that I have a choice.

If my thoughts about certain events can determine my emotional state, then hypothetically I can decide to be happy. My habits, emotions, and thought patterns are all part of a lifestyle that I chose and continue to chose.

But it doesn't mean it's easy. Do I continue to hold my anger toward the people that hurt me? Or do I live a life that I feel is worth living?

This is my answer 👇

"It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it's been hurt."