Supporting Mental Health When Advising Young People

Content warning: some discussion of suicide facts.

A few weeks ago, I attended the National Order of the Arrow Conference (NOAC) at University of Tennessee, Knoxville as a volunteer to support the young people I was advising. This conference was historic for several reasons, among them including the first officially supported LGBTQ+ space at a national event of the Boy Scouts of America (in addition to several other affinity spaces, including women, people of color, and people with disabilities); however, perhaps the most far-reaching part of the conference was the central role wellbeing and mental health took that week.

I’ve been working with and mentoring young people for just over a decade now. Each new person I get the honor of working with has brought something meaningful into my life. I enjoy working with them and watching them grow. Our young people are capable of truly incredible things - if we only provide them with the opportunity and support to thrive.

Open discussion about mental health has been largely absent for far too long. I firmly believe the greatest challenge our young people today face is that of mental wellbeing. Whenever I meet a new young leader in the Order of the Arrow (or even in the various student organizations at Arizona State University I volunteer with) reliably, without fail, we can bond over a shared experience of stress, pressure, and isolation. Mental health is the thing so many of us struggle with but so few of us talk about.

As a suicide survivor myself, supporting the people around us is deeply personal to me. It is something we must do better with: we owe it to our young people. We owe it to ourselves. We can all take part in easing the struggle our young people face. Suicide is preventable. The way we approach working with young people (and really, anyone in our lives) can have a dramatic impact in preventing this tragedy.

Let’s talk about it.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death in young people ages 10 – 14, and third for ages 15 – 24 [1].

Every 11 minutes, someone dies to suicide [2].

Historically marginalized identities have significantly higher suicide rates, including LGBTQ+ people, people of color, and indigenous peoples [3].

Suicide is our most preventable public health problem [4]. There are plenty of warning signs and plenty of ways we can reach out and help a person in crisis [4, 5, 6]. Being there to support someone when they need you most is critical, but just as critical is preventing the situation from arising in the first place.

Suicide prevention begins with the very first interaction you have with a young person. Suicide prevention begins with developing a healthy, supportive relationship with that young person. Suicide prevention begins with providing the space that young person needs to feel safe and be present as their authentic self.

Suicide prevention begins with you.

Building open, authentic relationships with young people is the foundation in preventing suicide, and more broadly, in developing the support networks necessary to build resilience in mental health. There is no single correct “recipe” or “list” that can instruct how to do this, but I follow four guiding principles whenever I am working with the young people in my life. Although these are written from the perspective of a mentor advising a young person, they do more broadly apply to all mentor-mentee and employer-employee relationships.

See them as a person.

Regardless of the context we know this person in, they have some role, some duty to perform. Maybe they are a leader or team captain providing vision and direction for their team members. Maybe they are an officer overseeing some critical team function. Maybe they are the expert or secret player without whom the team cannot function. As young people develop, and take on greater and greater roles of responsibility, the stakes become higher. Programs, meetings, conferences, competitions, events – the success of these things and the experience of so many others may heavily depend on this person.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is so important that its success makes acceptable sacrificing the well-being and mental health of that person. They have a role to play, maybe even through an official position, but they are and always will be a person first. Recognize that. Recognize that no journey can be successful if it destroys the well-being of the person embarking upon it. Always advise person-first.

Discomfort is ok; the most impactful journeys often involve some level of it. Real growth frequently demands a moderate amount of discomfort. Our duty as an adviser is to vigilantly monitor our young person and ensure the expectations and pressures of their role never cross the line to become harmful parasites on their mental well-being. When that happens, we have an obligation to step in and put an immediate stop to it.

No program is worth the life of a young person.

Take the time to listen.

Listening takes time. Listen to what this person shares with you. Take a genuine interest in them and their lives. Learn about their hobbies and interests. Look for common ground you can talk about beyond business. It’s ok to set boundaries; you do not need to be an open book about everything all the time, but you should feel comfortable getting to know your young person beyond just business. There are plenty of times where a purely business relationship is appropriate. This is not one of them. Taking the time to connect with this person beyond business creates the space for that person to feel comfortable reaching out to you for support.

Also take the time to understand how this person communicates. Sharing a meme out of the blue, or proactively offering some personal information is always a positive sign – it shows they are comfortable with you and trust you. Do not abuse or reject that trust. The content may cross a boundary from time to time but be sure to address the content and not reject the communication itself. Show that you value the level of trust and comfort while redirecting future content.

Different people come from different backgrounds and have different identities. Understanding the unique differences these create is critical to effectively listening to and fully understanding the person communicating with you. If the person you are working with comes from a unique cultural background, or family situation, or has an identity you are unfamiliar with, take some time learning about where they are coming from. Do some research first, before asking specific questions. This shows that you value the person and want to better understand and support them. Learning about the context a person communicates within helps you better understand them and helps you better recognize the warning signs of mental health issues.

Only by listening can we hear cries for help.

Believe them.

Speaking up to someone or confessing fears or feelings can be incredibly intimidating for a young person. Take what they have to say at face value and without judgement. Some statements and claims may require further investigation; you are responsible for investigating or validating things before acting, but never reject or brush aside anything brought up to you outright.

We all experience things differently. Just because something isn’t a big deal for you, doesn't mean it isn’t a big deal for them. We may have the life experience to better understand what matters and what doesn’t in the long run. Even if the situation is ultimately trivial or temporary, the mental health effects of the person going through it are very real. Perception matters a lot, and we must remain sensitive to that. We may also genuinely not fully understand the situation. Let the young person guide your understanding, and trust what they say.

Assume good intent. It’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume a deadline was missed or communication dropped off because the young person was lazy or mismanaged their time or isn’t responsible. Never assume this. Sometimes we hear about past experiences others have had with the same person. This information can be informative, but we must be careful about letting those past experiences color the way we view the person and the biases we may project onto them as a result. Always advise to the current situation right in front of you, and only with the actions and outcomes rather than presumptions of intent. There may be things about that young person others who inform us about them did not know or understand. Given that person, the human in front of you, the opportunity to speak for themselves.

Support relies on trust.

Accept them for who they are.

We’re not here to change people. We’re not here to judge what about them or their path is right or wrong. We’re here to support them and help them grow as they progress through their own personal journey. Often, the young people we work with will be very different than us, and that’s a good thing. Those differences serve as a foundation for our own learning and personal growth. Those differences and the diversity they represent allow us to expand our own horizons and become more aware of unintentional harm.

They may style their hair a certain way. They may keep their painted nails long and go by different pronouns and name. They may celebrate different religious holidays or prioritize their family bonds. They may have trouble communicating through speech or they may manage their team in different ways. They may have a relationship with someone(s) you didn’t expect, or they may perceive the world in another way. There are so many things that make the young person we are working with unique. Each informs where that young person is coming from.

As advisers we need to acknowledge and accept the young person standing in front of us. Their background, their identity, their family, and their culture, all of it serves as a foundation for how that young person is going communicate and how they are going to respond to the situations their position or life throws at them. Sometimes that comes with advanced skills and sometimes that comes with emotional baggage. We must accept this. We must accept them and everything they bring to the table. We can’t pick and choose which parts to acknowledge and which parts to push away or ignore. The only way to fully support them is to fully accept them and allow them to be fully and authentically present.

You may be the only person doing so.

We all have a roll to play in suicide prevention, and in caring for the mental health of those around us. We need to see each other as people first. We need to take the time to listen. We need to believe each other. We need to accept each other for our authentic selves. Every time you have a positive interaction with a young person in your life, every time you create a supportive space for that young person to belong and freely express themselves, every time you acknowledge that young person for who they are and show them you genuinely appreciate their presence – THAT is what suicide prevention looks like.

To the young people in my life: I see you. I hear you. I stand with you. You belong and you matter. Don’t you ever forget that.

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide, please reach out for help. You are not alone.

National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: dial 988

Trevor Project We’re here for you Now – The Trevor Project

American Psychological Association (APA) Resources Crisis hotlines and resources (apa.org)

National Sexual Assault Hotline: (800) 656-4673

RAINN: RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization

Emergency Help: dial 911 

References

[1] WISQARS Data Visualization (cdc.gov)

[2] Facts About Suicide | Suicide | CDC

[3] Facts About LGBTQ Youth Suicide – The Trevor Project

[4] 7 Simple Steps for Suicide Prevention | Psychology Today

[5] Suicide: What to do when someone is suicidal - Mayo Clinic

[6] Suicide Risk Factors – The Trevor Project