Dead Dad Day

Positive Psychology and grief.

There is a misconception that Positive Psychology is ‘happiology’ and that low mood, sadness, grief and so forth are emotions that are not welcome. As today is the anniversary of my dad’s death, and I am feeling buffeted by tidal waves of grief and sadness, it feels like a good day to talk about this.

Yes, Positive Psychology is the science of happiness, but it does not exclude any emotional state; all our emotions are valid, purposeful, and have meaning. The sadness I feel today does not mean I am a ‘failure’ as a Positive Psychology Practitioner. I feel sad because I miss my dad. I don’t only miss him on the anniversary of his death; I miss him most of the time. He was not a saint, but he was a kind, generous man who loved me, adored my children, and with whom I shared many adventures and common interests. I miss the future that we no longer have.

So, how do I deal with this? Does Positive Psychology have anything to offer me?

One thing that is linked to Positive Psychology is mindfulness; being fully present, and having non-judgemental acceptance of our emotional state. I am allowing myself to feel sad, to accept that part of loving someone is grieving their loss, and to accept that – today – I am not going to be a festival of rainbows and unicorns. That’s OK. Marking and noticing the date helps me a little, too. In previous years, I have visited the National Memorial Arboretum around now; we have a tree dedicated to dad there, in the Borneo and Malaysia Plantation, in recognition of his armed service in Malaya. It is a place he visited, and was fond of, so it seemed a good choice. I first visited it after we had dedicated the tree to him, and was blown away by the gentle dignity of the remembered losses we face. There are plantation areas for armed services, for Chaplains, for families who have lost children. All human life - and death – is here. It is also breathtakingly beautiful, part of the National Forest, has two rivers running through it, and over 300 sculptures throughout the arboretum. It’s a place of great peace and comfort for me, and I will miss it this year – it’s too far away for me to be able to visit under current pandemic restrictions.

Dweck introduced us to the concept of growth mindset and this is something I will be leveraging today. I can’t go to the National Memorial Arboretum. I can’t mark the day in the way I usually would. A fixed mindset response is ‘all or nothing’, but a growth mindset is more nuanced. What can I do instead, that gives me a similar solace? The component pieces of the National Memorial Arboretum that I can replicate are trees, space and snowdrops. I am fortunate that there is a park near to us which offers these, so I shall be visiting this afternoon.

Finally, I can accept that it’s OK not to be OK. I can treat myself with loving kindness, and nurture myself in the way that I would care for a loved one who is grieving. I can accept that today is not going to be a productive working day, and build self-care into the day instead. So, I am going to eat a lovely stir-fry my husband has cooked, share mealtime with my family, then go for a nice long walk.

About Jane: Jane is a Positive Psychology Practitioner and Coach, based in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. 

Jane currently has capacity for two new coaching clients, please get in touch by emailing [email protected] if you would like to find out more

She is a Director of Autonomous Ideas Limited, founder of Adopting Positivity, and part of the collaborative team at Essex Family Law. She is also a trustee for Home for Good, Suffolk, and an Adopter Voice Champion for Adoption UK.

Jane is also co-founder and co-organiser of the Positive Psychology Summit:UK. 

She is a Fellow of the Positive Psychology Guild. Autonomous Ideas Ltd, and the Positive Psychology Summit:UK are organisational members.

#grief #positivepsychology #growthmindeset #It’sOKnottobeOK #lovingkindness #∂weck #ãtionalMemorialArboretum