Jason Thatcher’s Post

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Parent to a College Student | Tandean Rustandy Esteemed Endowed Chair, University of Colorado-Boulder | TUM Ambassador, TU München | Professor, Alliance Manchester Business School | Member of the PhD Project PAC-15

On the most offensive thing you can say to a single academic parent. I've twice been deeply offended by an academic discussing my experience as a single parent. I've fielded lots of inappropriate comments, like I should spend more time with my daughter & less time working, by people who don't get that single academic parents only have time for two things: work & raising kids. But. That's different than being deeply offended. Deeply offended means that I can't forget, & it forever colors my interaction with the person. What is the comment? It always comes from a straight, rich, white, academic, who is still married, who says, "I know what it is like to be a single parent too..." Typically, they explain that their partner works or travels a lot & as a result they can't work as much as they would like. While I feel bad about their situation, it does not compare with being a single parent. Why? 1. Single parents have no backstop. Be it from doctor visits, school events, doing homework, or simply making sure the school lunch account is topped up, it falls on the single parent. Emotionally, financially, & more the responsibility is entirely on our shoulders. A married parent raising a child has a backstop. Maybe, not a great one, but they do. 2. Single parents are stigmatized. Every married person that I know claims they don't stigmatize single parents. Yet. They eventually emote that we made bad choices in our life and, therefore, we should accept that our lives are more difficult. No married academic deals with that stigma. 3. Single parents face glass ceilings. Because we have to raise a child on our own, some think we should not hold more responsible positions. In an interview for dept chair; the industry advisors asked me, "How can you do this job & raise a child?" I recall thinking, "Very well, thank you". I turned down the offer. No married academic deals with that question. 4. People assume single parents made bad decisions with partners. Not-so-subtle academics will ask "how did you not know she had issues?" I usually respond, "No, actually, her mom came from a great family. I had no idea." No married academic consistently deals with that comment. 5. For single fathers, my other favored shot, "Your ex-wife really screwed up for you to get your daughter." My defensive response, "Actually, I'm the better parent." (note: I added defensive; custody is not always about who is the better parent). No married academic consistently deals with that comment. So please, if you meet a single academic parent, feel free to empathize about raising children, but do not tell us you have walked in our shoes. You haven't. You have no idea how hard it is to do this job AND deal with the stigma of parenting alone. However. We will be happy to celebrate your success in parenting! BC we do know how hard it is to raise a child! P.S. many thanks to Clemson University. YOU made raising my daughter special. We miss the Tigers!

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🔒Ivette Bayo

Information Scientist | Identifying and mitigating human development vulnerabilities | Safety, Strategies and Operations | For your PhD level privacy considerations.

7mo

Dude, I followed you and was cheering along, until you stated ‘My response, "actually, I'm the better parent." Bit. The court outcomes have much to do with much, and the better parent is not just about how things go. Kids need both parents and kids do better if both parents are involved and contribute and when both parents care for themselves and consider the child’s needs and life first. All other points yes. I’m the fractional parent this go around….. and can relate to the parallels and paradoxes of it in industry and life as well.

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Laszlo Papp

Postdoctoral Researcher | Group Leader | Co-founder and Entrepreneur

7mo

Absolute appreciations for your great achievements both in your professional and private life and remember that many married couples make bad decisions too. Sometimes the bad decision is staying together, yet, they justify their decision making superiority over yours on the notion of being married as it is "the norm". It is also fascinating to see how far you made, given that you are not a human, but just a tiger. How did I know? As a researcher I have exceptional analytical skills and I picked up the correlation of the color matches between you and your daughter.

Shirin Fereidoonian

Business Information System Researcher

7mo

I think an excellent father can be an excellent professor.because this two role are intertwined.And you are both. 🌸🍃

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Lauri Wessel

Professor of Information Management and Digital Transformation bei European New School of Digital Studies @ European University Viadrina Frankfurt (Oder)

7mo

Hi Jason, thanks for this! I agree that single parenting is discussed too little overall. Just out of curiosity and because terms might differ across countries: when you say „single parent“ does that generelly mean that a child grows up with one parent basically 95 per cent of the time (aka one weekend per month with the other parent) or do you mean that parents are separated/ divorced and care 50/50?

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Nasreen A.

Researcher, DevOps, DevOps practices, QM technology, DevOps and low code automation@LUT University,former EU Horizon project researcher @LUTuniversity, visiting researcher @NTNU, alumni @Åbo Akademi, alumni @Aiub

7mo

Professor you have done the most amazing and wonderful job as a single Dad 🙌🙌❤️👏👏. God bless you and your family, and I agree with your statement regarding the situation of having both parents. That is quite different than the struggle of a single parent.

Kristine Snyder, Ph.D.

Neuromechanist | Applied Mathematician | Physiologist | Data Analyst | Biomechanist working at the intersection between data and life science to help make people’s lives healthier and happier. All opinions are my own.

7mo

People falsely equating experiences that are not indeed the same can definitely be far more alienating than just being the only person like you. Thank you for speaking up about this.

Fernando Quijano Franky

Organizational Behavior PhD Candidate

7mo

Thanks for you vulnerability and candor, Jason. I commend you for what you have achieved and would love to hear your story someday.

Dr. Justyna Stypinska

project lead AI AGEISM I data analyst I

7mo

Dear Jason, thank you so much for putting this topic out there for discussion and at the same time being so open and honest about all those emotional struggles, a single academic parent and goes through. There is definitely way too little discussion on this in the academic world. As a single mom with a shared custody (the easier version of being single parent) I still struggle immensely and many situations you describe resonate very closely with me. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable in the academic world, where vulnerability is not a virtue.

Mehruz Kamal, PhD

Chair & Associate Professor. Dept. Of Computing Sciences, SUNY Brockport

7mo

Very relatable

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