Ralph was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2019 and managed to remain independent for a couple of years. However, he gradually began to struggle with everyday tasks and needed more support as things became worse. Alzheimer’s can affect a person’s behaviour and personality as well as their memory. Ralph’s wife, Glenys, shares the impact of these challenging symptoms. ‘At times, he became verbally aggressive towards me through sheer frustration. It is very upsetting when your partner of 50 years says hurtful things to you. I felt physically scared of him on a couple of occasions.' Ralph also experiences ‘sundowning’, where a person with dementia becomes distressed or agitated, especially later in the afternoon or evening. ‘It was so strange that Ralph enjoyed our lovely home and sunny conservatory during the mornings and then suddenly, with a flick of a switch, said he wanted to go “home”.’ ‘He’d say, “Let’s get in the car and go.” I’d ask him where and he’d say, “Home – back to Poole,” or Portsmouth or sometimes Bournemouth.’. Carers and professionals told Glenys to ‘go along’ with Ralph whenever he was sundowning. She struggled with this, as it felt like lying. ‘At first I thought this was wrong, but I now realise it’s the kindest thing to do,’ she says. ‘You have to tell yourself it’s not about you, it’s about them.’ Trying to find the right care for Ralph has been a long journey for Glenys. Ralph has limited mobility after damaging his knees and ankles when he was in the Marines, and he needs a lot of daily support. She employed a live-in carer, hoping this would provide care for Ralph at home and give her the support she needed. ‘Even though the carer was so compassionate and patient, Ralph got upset very easily and pushed her away.’ ‘What Ralph really wants is to live in our home with only me looking after him,’ she says. ‘It just wasn’t fair on me or our lovely carer. I had to find the best possible care home and let him go. ‘It’s hard to let go of someone you love. Someone who’s given you support, who loves you and has been there for you for over 50 years.'
Marnel H.
1mo
I work with women care givers helping them with the emotional aspects of being the care giver. It is very hard to go through these situations, without feeling the guilt, loss, sadness, and yes even resentment and anger some days. Most care givers give until they themselves are depleted and exhausted. Years ago, I had a neighbor who I was quite close to and I saw her husband and her go through much this same thing. Because a lot of what they endured as a couple went on behind closed doors, not all of their neighbors and friends understood when she had to finally find a care home for him, for her own safety. She was judged for this decision by even some of their closest friends. I told her at the time that she had to do what was best and safest for them both. This is not an easy road to travel and that others have not walked in her shoes. Thanks for sharing your story Glenys. Hopefully your story will help many have more understanding. My heart goes out to you!
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Really useful account. Thanks.
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1moThis is what my mum and dad are currently experiencing. Dad seems to get more confused in an evening. He is obsessed with money all day every day at the moment. It’s such a horrific disease. X