Tone and authentic communication

- If you think about doing martial arts, playing a musical instrument or delivering stand-up comedy, you learn and work on patterns which you practice in advance so that everything becomes familiar and you can perform in the moment. In the same way, authentic communication that connects with your colleagues takes practice. I'm going to show you some pointers on how you can expand your repertoire and open up new lines of communications. Psychiatrist Eric Berne offers a classification for five different communication dynamics in conversations, which we can call styles. They are critical parent, which is dominating, nurturing parent is supportive, adult, neutral, free child is uninhibited, adapted child is submissive. Recognizing each of these styles is about looking at the words that you say along with your attitude, responses, timing, and tone. Also, I want to make it clear that these categories can apply to anybody and everybody. It might seem like an obvious thing to say, but you don't have to be a parent, adult, or child to speak or behave like one. As a starting point, it's worth taking the time to see how your colleagues communicate and then mirroring and complimenting their styles to some extent, just to build rapport. While you might be tempted to think that parental style is a more powerful and authoritative, or adult styles are more professional, if used tactically and responsively, actually, each style can control conversations and steer them in the direction that you want. From my experience, most of us have one, if not two preferred styles, which might work perfectly well for you. However, I'm sure that now and again, you found yourself in situations where conversations are going around in circles or about to reach a dead end. This is where having alternative styles that potentially can shake things up can really be useful. Over the years, I've learned how to deliver the same message using all of the different styles. So for example, when you get that dreaded question, "no, but where are you really from?" Here are some comebacks. "I don't think that's an appropriate question, do you?" "How do you think that makes me feel? "I'd like you to take a moment to think about that." "Can we talk about something else?" "What? "JQ, come on, I don't have to answer a question like that, "do I?" "Actually, that question makes me feel uncomfortable." If I've been asked an offensive question in front of others, I'd be tempted to respond using the adult or one of the child styles. Then, later on in private, I'll switch to a more parental approach just to make sure I won't face those questions again. Why? Because sometimes it makes sense to pick your battles and instead deflect confrontation. Of course, the more comfortable you are with doing this and the more these styles of communication match your personality, then the more convincing and effective you will be in your delivery. But like I said in the beginning, authentic workplace communication has a performative element. You're working on becoming the best professional you and finding your voice. That takes a mental and emotional workout in advance. Then, you can pop your collar and say, "ready? "I was born ready."