well, rent this film only after you've seen every other horror film in your video store. even then, consider expanding your tastes to as many other genres as you can before returning to lost voyage. still tempted? how about picking up a nice book, or going out with your friends, or perhaps simply hammering your genitals to a board with an old nail?
why do i do this to myself? why did i think that anything good could come out of a made-for-the-tube film about a ghost ship starring judd "washed-up-since-1985" nelson? you know why? session 9. i blame session 9. every now and then, after sifting through the ever-thinning ranks of my olde video store i decide to rent a movie that screams "complete loser" in hopes that it turns out to be somewhere between "mildly loserish" and "ok". and sometimes, just sometimes, one of these low expectation picks turns out to be a bit of a winner, like session 9. well, the makers of this film (and my video store) can thank david caruso's scrawny white ass, because session 9 restored my faith that not all obscure low-budget horror films are stupid and brainless despite all the alarm bells that sound when you read the box.
unfortunately lost voyage IS stupid and brainless, a cheeseball excuse for a bunch of roughly sketched characters to run around the corridors of a ship accompanied by a relentless horror movie soundtrack. sure, it's got its jump-out-at-ya moments, but so does my fridge after i forget about a half-eaten ham-n-cheese sandwich that's been sitting in the back for a week or three.
it's just that the plot is so lazy. there is so much that could have been done with the bermuda triangle yet they way lamed out. um, so, mr. writer-directory-guy, what's your theory on the triangle? "well, it's a gateway to HELL!" so, where have all the people on the ship gone... "well, they've been sucked into HELL"! so, um, why has the ship reappeared? "well, there was this storm, just like when it disappeared, so it came back... back from HELL"! alright, but why is the ship trying to off all these weak-ass characters now it's returned? "well, it's collected all this evil energy because, well because, well, of course it wants to off everybody it's been in HELL"!
damn i wish i could get a few paycheques for coming up with brilliant plotting like that.
ok, vented enough. goodnight.
