Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/17/20 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NBA All-Star Weekend, headlines — The NBA All-Star Weekend started on Valentine’s Day.

Time for the NBA All-Star Weekend on TNT

Or, as the Kardashian’s call it ‘Tinder.’

Rush Limbaugh is weirdly fascinated with Pete Buttigieg kissing his husband

Rush has a husband?

People shocked Dog the Bounty Hunter’s engaged after only a few weeks of dating

In fairness, that’s like 7 years in Dog the Bounty Hunter Years.

John Bolton’s book coming out

In honor of Trump it will repeat Chapter 11 six times.

Happy 78th birthday, Mike Bloomberg

What you been up to? We barely hear from you.

Trump says the Coronavirus goes away when the weather warms up

Yeah, but, maybe it’s replaced by something cooler and more refreshing like CoronaLightVirus.

Justin Bieber sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber and gets weekly IV infusions since he’s gotten sober from weed

Damn, he’s one glove and a pet monkey from being Michael Jackson.

Roger Stone asks for a new trial after Trump accuses juror of bias

In fairness, Stone will never get a jury of his peers; but that’s mostly true because Bond villains are fictional.

Scientists discovered a marijuana compound that’s 30 times more potent than THC

But, then forgot where they put the information.

Televangelist Jim Bakker is selling a liquid that allegedly ‘kills’ the coronavirus for $300

… Proving he doesn’t need to reopen his Gospel theme park to take people for a ride.

Papa John’s founder clears the air: He didn’t eat 40 whole pizzas in 30 days

… I’m still betting the air isn’t clear…

Russia’s trust in Putin falls to six-year low despite high approval rating: pollster

Yup, it went from 124% to 118%.

Exxon’s market value has crumbled by 184 billion dollars

$167 billion if you pay for stock in cash.

Michael Avenatti convicted of trying to extort Nike for twenty million dollars

… or, about the same amount as a couple of pairs of Air Jordan’s.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)