Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about ‘Jackass’ star Steve-O’s breast implants, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Jackass’ star Steve-O reveals he’s getting breast implants

… Good idea. Given the all those crazy stunts, he’ll now have airbags.

Trump was the only President in 150 years to not have a pet

… Unless you count Lindsey Graham.

Record heat in Vegas

How hot is it? It’s so hot in Vegas people are playing roulette for the breeze.

Biden called Zelensky ‘President Putin, ’then immediately corrected it

Fellas don’t try that with ex-girlfriend’s names while having the sex with your present girlfriend.

Gen Z is experiencing ‘tattoo’ regret

… Bringing new meaning to the term ‘read it and weep.’

Allen McGrew died from ‘massive head trauma’ after he lit a firework off of his Uncle Sam top hat on July 4th

… On the upside, he didn’t lose any fingers …

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs boards matte black ‘Combs Air’ private jet amid reports of federal investigation

And Puff, Diddy was gone!

Happy 98th Birthday, Mel Brooks

That will make 98 the new 2000-year old man.

Bronny James scratched from Lakers’ 2nd California Classic game because of swelling in left knee

You’d have thought it’d been because of his swelled head.

Winnie the Pooh falls foul of Chinese internet censors

In fairness, he could use a pair of pants.

Trump slept in the same bedroom with stolen classified record

… Then traded them in for younger, hotter Eastern European classified documents.

Former Patriots Coach Bill Belichick dating a 24-year-old former Pats cheerleader

Fortunately, the NFL doesn’t play football on most school nights.

George Clooney thinks Biden shouldn’t run

… And that Clooney should do another Batman movie.

The Supreme Court is on recess, but the Shadow Docket never sleeps

At this point, the only Supremes I’m listening to right now name starts with ‘Diana Ross and the …’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)