Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Apple’s new VR headset, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Apple VR headset — Apple’s new Virtual Reality VR headset.

Apple just came out with a VR headset

… not saying people will use it for porn, but the ad campaign will be ‘There’s a CLAPP for that.’

Justice Department unseals 37 count indictment

Look for Trump to say: ‘Never met me. Maybe got myself coffee once. But have no idea who I am. I’m not even my type.’

Ukraine dam destroyed: Dozens of nearby towns expected to be flooded

In related news, all those Twitter epidemiology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts are now Hydroelectric Power Plant experts.

Biden and McCarthy deal to raise debt ceiling passes, Biden signs bill

This probably means DeSantis is going to need higher heels to see that dealing ceiling.

Sen. Joe Manchin on “Face the Nation”

It’d be more appropriate for him to be on ‘Two Face The Nation.

PGA Tour agrees to merge with Saudi-backed rival LIV Golf

Hey, PGA, be careful! The Saudi’s have a whole different meaning to making the cut.

Doc accused of groping woman plane passenger while pretending to sleep

… Would’ve gotten away with it, too, if he didn’t try to bill her through her HMO.

Far-right House Republicans just sent gas stove bills up in flames

And, and yet, they still smell like they’re passing gas.

The man who sued Gwyneth Paltrow over skiing accident and lost now says he regrets it

Now, he knows how Gwyneth feels about making Mortdecai …

Pat Robertson has died

I blame the gays.

North Dakota Republican Governor Doug Burgum has officially announced he is running for President in 2024

People of North Dakota: Who?

Al Pacino will be a father at 83. The baby-mama is 29

Somebody has Great Granddaddy issues.

Chick-fil-A is facing a boycott with customers claiming they’ve gone ‘woke’

To really reach out to the gay community, Chick-fil-A should add to the menu a Chick on Chick-fil-A sandwich.

Bannon associate sentenced to 4-1/4 years for Trump border wall fraud

… No word if he got Mexico to pay for his defense …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)