addressing common issues women have in dating
I remember being 18 and being head over heels for the first boy that I “dated” my freshman year. I was ignoring red flags left and right. It took me being no contact for 9 months to get over that man. There’s so many things I wish I would’ve done different but I was young. You live and you learn. I say that to say, I’ve garnered some advice I would like to give to, particularly, young women concerning dating and relationships.
If your intentions don’t align, LEt it go
Often times, we think if we hold on to a relationship long enough, that suddenly our romantic interest will change their mind about the relationship. If they said, they don’t want a relationship, operate under the understanding that THAT is a fact that won’t change. So many people hold on to unfulfilling relationships hoping one day, the other person will wake up and change their mind. If you know you want more and they’re tell you that’s not happening, believe them! Let it go now so you don’t waste your time.
staying friends is a slippery slope
Staying friends after a situation has ended is possible but it’s not something that will happen overnight. Many people offer friendship when they realize you don’t want the same things, which is fine. The problem comes in when they want to act like the relationship never happened the next day or, on the flip side, don’t make the effort to actually be a genuine friend. A lot of people offer friendship to keep you on the side for when they’re bored. So, if a person offers friendship after the relationship ends, know that boundaries will need to be set, for example: you will need time apart to process that ending, you will not be as close as you were before, you can’t talk everyday (at-least in the beginning), and they have to be an actual friend to you not just someone they talk to when they’re bored. Otherwise, baby that ain’t your friend! That’s just a person you know.
talk to multiple people if you want to but you don’t have to
A lot of dating advice is about playing the field. Dating multiple people at once. I’m not against the idea, ’cause why have one man when you can have five, but it’s just not for everyone. Quite frankly, I find it exhausting to entertain multiple people at once. I, personally, believe you can have the same impact of playing the field while only talking to one person if you approach dating correctly. If you go into dating with no intentions, taking it as it comes, and keeping your options open, I feel that has the same impact as dating multiple people. Now I’m not saying don’t date multiple people if you’re built for it, but don’t force it. This leads to my next point.
its okay if you can’t do casual sex, don’t force it
The reason I stayed in so many crappy situations when I was younger was for the simple fact that I felt I should be able to keep it casual. Hookups were becoming the norm, keeping it casual was starting to become more expected. It took me until a couple months ago to realize, I’m not built for it. Forcing yourself to act emotionless about sex, when that is not how you feel, can grow very draining. At that point, you must evaluate why are you denying your own feelings for temporary pleasure to begin with. A lot of times, quick hookups ain’t worth it and it’s okay to not think they are. It doesn’t make you a prude or boring. You have a boundary and you’re honoring it!
“SITUATIONSHIPS” SHOULDN’T LAST LONGER THAN A MONTH TBH
First of all, y’all know my opinions on situationships from my article “Situationships: The New Norm of Dating,” I’m not a fan. Unfortunately, they’re common. I just feel like, after a month, it should be clear what your relationship with someone is. Whether that’s dating, exclusive, partners, friends-with-benefits, etc., it should be defined and understood at a certain point. If you still don’t know what’s going on in your relationship with someone after a month, dead it! A big part of relationships is being on the same page.
“i like you” with no commitment is a red flag
If someone says “I like you but I don’t want to be in a relationship” but still wants to keep “talking” or fooling around, baby just make your exit. All that means is, “I want to keep you around for my own pleasure without having to genuinely care about you as a person so I’m going to tell you I like you so you will settle for being just a hookup” A lot of times we get caught up in the “I like you” part, we aren’t considering the implications of the entire situation.
forgive yourself
The biggest piece of advice I have is to forgive yourself. Now you may be like “Darria, what are you talking about?” Often times, when we find our self in less than good relationships, we blame ourselves for not leaving sooner, for allowing ourselves to get hurt. We may even start to think that we deserved that treatment because we didn’t leave. And all I’m saying is, forgive yourself. Love, and even “like,” is a crazy thing. We are people operating with the information we know at the time and what we think is best for us at that time. It’s okay. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and sometimes we think someone is doing that for us when they’re not. Being hurt in a relationship is never deserved. Forgive yourself and learn from the experience.