From Kay Burley's weird, gasping, sex noises to Krishnan Guru-Murthy looking like the cat who got the cream: JANE FRYER watches election night TV with so much madness you need a split screen

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Can it really be just six weeks since Rishi announced his kamikaze snap election in a torrential rainstorm with D:Ream’s Things Can Only Get Better drowning out his words?

It hardly seems possible but, here we are, sitting on the sofa, staring slack-jawed at the exit poll, which promises total devastation for the Tories.

And clearly it comes as quite a shock to Kay Burley and crew at Sky News who, when they see the figures, seem only able to make what sound like weird, gasping, sex noises on their microphones. ‘OOH. Ooh. Oh my God. Oo, oo ooooooh.’

GB News doesn’t fare much better. Lord knows how, but somehow they manage to switch the Labour and Conservative results to announce a Tory landslide.

Meanwhile, over on the Beeb, political editor Chris Mason allows himself a couple of wonderfully controlled ‘blimeys’.

Harriet Harman, Kwasi Kwarteng and Nadine Dorries on Channel 4's live election night coverage last night in which guests bickered on and on

Rory Stewart and Alastair Campbell - that 'smug duo from The Rest Is Politics podcast' - were also guests on Channel 4's coverage

So I flick to Channel 4’s much advertised Britain Decides, hosted by Krishnan Guru-Murthy and Emily Maitlis, with guests including Nadine Dorries (in fetching powder pink), in a very colourful, brightly lit studio.

All week, Guru-Murthy has been telling anyone who’ll listen how he’s dreamt of anchoring the election coverage, a la David Dimbleby, ever since he watched the 1979 election as a boy.

And here he is, promising a show with its own manifesto of ‘drama, results and the best analysis’ from a cast of unrivalled expert guests.

No wonder he looks like the cat that got the cream. Though, arguably, it’s hard to imagine Dimbleby’s expert commentators including the cast of Gogglebox, the newly anointed Baroness Harman (also in pink), Kwasi Kwarteng, Ann Widdecombe (in pinky purple), along with Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart, that smug duo from The Rest Is Politics hit podcast. But it’s lively and bouncy and, to begin with, there’s a lot to entertain, what with Alastair Campbell being as rude as ever: ‘If you want to sit here all night and talk rubbish and parrot away, Nadine...’

Krishnan Guru-Murthy, with Emily Maitlis on Channel 4, has been telling anyone who'll listen how he's dreamt of anchoring the election coverage since he watched the 1979 election as a boy

The BBC's Clive Myrie and Laura Kuenssberg - the corporation's first female election anchor - who was given a Barbie disco makeover in powder pink (again!) and sequins

And Dorries, in return, accusing him of being sexist and Kwasi of being patronising, arguing with everyone, continuing to defend her beloved Boris, and insisting that Labour MPs will be disappointed with their gigantic, enormous, landslide victory.

Usually, on election night, there’s endless desperate filling of the long, dead hours between exit poll and the first big results - by pundits, statisticians, Jeremy Vine with his silly swing-o-meter - that you could happily set your alarm for 2.30am and miss nothing.

But tonight there’s so much madness on offer you need one of those new split-screen TVs.

So you can watch the Channel 4 gang bicker on and on. Count how many times Campbell mentions his podcast.

But also admire Tom Bradby striding about the ITV studio in his beautiful suit - almost as crisply tailored as Clive Myrie’s over on the Beeb. And note that his crew of experts includes a very fit-looking George Osborne, a very chunky-looking Ed Balls and a very small Nicola Sturgeon, all of whom - unlike the Channel 4 lot - wait politely for each other to finish speaking instead of just hurling insults.

And then pop over to the BBC to wonder why on earth Laura Kuenssberg, the BBC’s first female election anchor, has been given a Barbie disco makeover in powder pink (again!) and sequins. And realise that, for all his faults, Huw Edwards was better at this than anyone else on the planet.

The only people who seem a bit adrift are the statisticians. Spare a thought for poor old Professor Sir John Curtice, who has devoured election data ever since he was allowed to stay up late and watch the 1964 election and mentions the word psephology almost as often as he breathes.

Because no one really cares about the finer nuances of data when a massive landslide is on the way. And why bother with Jeremy Vine’s endless light-up charts when we already know the results?

Particularly not when there are so many massive moments to hoover up.

Angela Rayner standing in the rain and, oh so valiantly, trying - and then failing - to control her massive smile.

Wes Streeting’s extraordinarily bad interview on the BBC, in which he uses so many ridiculous seafaring metaphors - sails, shipshape, vessels and shipwrecks - that by the time he finally stops, we all feel quite seasick.

Not forgetting Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, sitting in his Somerset pile, flanked by pictures of Thatcher and Churchill, for once in his life wearing a suit that fits, all ready for his political defenestration.

And that’s all before the results really start pouring in, with Tories falling like ninepins and dreams going up in smoke.

Former Justice Secretary Sir Robert Buckland is the first to tumble after 14 years as MP for Swindon South and is very cross indeed.

‘I’m fed up with “performance art” politics. I’ve watched colleagues in the Conservative party strike poses, write inflammatory op-eds and say stupid things,’ he says, his crisp, blue rosette fluttering in the breeze.

And there goes Defence Secretary Grant Shapps, insisting that ‘it’s not so much that Labour won this election, but that the Conservatives lost it’.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn chokes up with emotion as he thanks the people of Islington North who voted him back in as an independent. Angela Rayner looks resplendent in orange. Lee Anderson wins for Reform in Ashfield. And, over in Clacton, it’s eighth time lucky for Nigel Farage, who promises to build us a ‘mass national movement’.

Back in the studio the anchors can’t believe they’ve got so many brilliant stories to cover. Nothing pointless to say at all. Though at one stage Chris Mason can’t speak because he has a mouth crammed full of emergency banana.

On and on it goes. You can’t even pop to the loo for fear of missing something. It’s an election night on acid.

Look! There’s Suella Braverman, keeping her seat in Fareham but feeling very mournful. ‘Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my party didn’t listen to you.’

And Penny Mordant in Portsmouth wondering whether she’ll take up swimming again now she won’t have to worry about a pesky party leadership contest. And a slow clap for former prime minister Liz Truss when she fails to defend her 26,000 majority in King’s Lynn & West Norfolk.

But on the bright side, Lib Dem leader Sir Ed Davey has a stormer of a night and does a lot of dad dancing – perhaps to celebrate an end to all those exhausting bungee jumps and water slides.

Until, finally, at quarter to five in the morning, Rishi – small and not quite so shiny in defeat - calls it from his Richmond constituency in North Yorkshire, tells us Labour have won and confirms that he’s already phoned Keir to congratulate him.

Speaking of which, something dramatic has happened to Sir Keir and his weird, wooden smile overnight. Because, somehow, after zero sleep and a six-week campaign, he somehow looks ten years younger, as he beams and gleams and promises the nation that we will ‘walk into the morning, in the sunlight of hope’.

And back at home on our sofas, we survey the debris of the night and try to come to terms with what has just happened.