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Read Erotica and Buy the Lingerie
I knew right away that I wanted to be just like her: Mira was a Black woman who was in charge of any room she walked into, always ready with a strong opinion or a witty joke. She was blunt and brash but never offensive. Aging didn’t seem to be slowing her down in the slightest: She ran track, played tennis, and golfed. She volunteered as a tutor at underperforming schools and helped in the church’s nursery. She shopped at both high-end stores and flea markets and teased me about my clothes, which she deemed too frumpy. She was God-fearing but believed women should have choices and wrote checks to Planned Parenthood.
We bonded over our similar paths in life, albeit 30 years apart. We were both former flight attendants who loved hotels more than we liked being in new places. Like me, Mira was adjusting to Los Angeles after being from somewhere else. I quickly figured out that I could confide in her about basically anything, from money to clothes to her favorite topic to dish about: sex. Nothing shocked her.
“Pee after, so you don’t get a UTI,” she would warn me. “Read erotica for yourself,” she suggested. Mira often said that I was copying her life when I told her about my marital problems. Yes, her first husband was also a serial cheater, but “ooh, the sex was so good,” she said. Yes, her second husband was a spendthrift, also like mine, expecting her to pay for their life, which, after they were divorced, made her lose interest in men and sex for a while.
“Is your marriage fun?” she would ask, reminding me that it should be—in and out of the bedroom. No matter the answer, Mira never told me to stay or to go. When I did decide to leave, she was happy to help plan my new life, which meant leaving L.A. for New York. When I arrived, she sent me money with instructions to buy a new wardrobe and sexy underwear. Then she sent me my very first sex toys: a vibrating pocket rocket and a slender fleshed-toned dildo.
At 73 years old, Mira is still married to her third husband, buying crotchless panties and visiting sex shops with friends. In between running errands around L.A., Mira met me via Zoom in her newish electric Mustang to have a candid conversation about sex and pleasure, the kind we’ve had so many times in our friendship. Although Mira prides herself on her openness, she asked to use a pseudonym for her Cosmopolitan debut because she didn’t want to offend conservative family members—a reminder that talking honestly about sex after 60…or, hell, after 70…can come with land mines.
“I have to admit that when I was 30, I didn’t think that 70-year-old people did much of anything except go to church. I was wrong.”
For those who don't have the pleasure of being friends with you, can you tell us about yourself?
I am Mira. I’ve had other names, but I’m a mom, a grandmother, and a friend to a whole bunch of very highly educated, fabulous women. I am also a track star. In my professional life, I was an IT nerd for the Boeing Company. Before that, I worked on electronic data systems with Ross Perot, who was the best boss on Earth. Before that, I served as the hotel manager of the St. Francis, the classiest hotel in San Francisco. And even before that, I was a United Airlines flight attendant and a college student.
You’ve always been so open about your sex life (at least with me!), but I imagine that you came of age at a time when there was a lot of secrecy and shame around sex. Can you tell me about that?
No, that’s not true. When I was 19, there were the flower people. This was mostly the white kids. They would have festivals and you’d see them running around naked. Everybody was a hippie and everybody was humping everyone. It wasn’t that you were bad if you had sex, it was like, yeah, you had sex—of course, you did.
I didn’t start having sex until college. I wanted to have fun and experiment and be with different people. This was between the years of 1968 and 1972. I remember we would go up on the roof of the campus buildings to tan with swimsuit bottoms, no tops. Guys would be up there, and it was exciting. So no, we weren’t that closed off.
How was sex discussed in your household? Was it taboo? Was it something your family talked about?
It was not openly discussed, but we knew it happened. Our grandmother lived with us when my mother got divorced. One morning, my siblings and I woke up early and decided to go outside to play. It was almost daylight, when our mother drove up and it was clear she was returning from a very late date. I knew that sex was something my mother did.
When my aunt and uncle moved in, we knew they had a healthy sex life. As kids, we understood not to barge into their rooms without knocking. Sex wasn’t forbidden or considered bad for us. We somehow understood it was okay for later when we were grown.
In high school, everybody’s main concern was getting pregnant. At that time, if you got pregnant, you’d be expelled from high school. My mom was a high school teacher, and when some of the young ladies in school got pregnant, she was the one who tried to hide their pregnancies so they could graduate. My mother found it disgraceful that only the girl was punished. I knew I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant and that’s why I thought I wasn’t supposed to have sex—not because sex was a bad thing.
What did you imagine your sex life would look like at 73? How does the reality compare?
I have to admit that when I was 30, I didn’t think that 70-year-old people did much of anything except go to church. I was wrong.
My sex life now is different. I have an interesting husband who is a little wild. I have a lot of fun with him. Sometimes it’s because I’ve taken control; I’ve decided we are going to have sex. I’ll do something to indicate that I’m up for the game. I’ll tease him without going all the way.
I do have friends my age who have sex and friends who don’t. Some don’t have regular penis-in-vagina sex because the guy’s hardware isn’t working. But then there’s no getting the woman off either. I guess he figures if he can’t get off, then no one can. That won’t be me. My husband and I don’t have any official pact to accommodate each other if one of us couldn’t perform—I’d have to figure that out. But there are other things one can do. You have hands and mouths.
How often do you have sex?
About 16 times a month, but there are times when we can go weeks without sex. We get busy. We’ve been here or there and we get tired, or we are annoyed with each other and need a break.
The way I make sure we don’t go too long without at least something is based on a feeling, more than a physical need. In my head, I think, I haven’t messed with him in a while. So I schedule it to make sure it happens. Sex is me checking in. People need to understand human contact is a big deal. Flesh on flesh. You thrive when people hold you.
What’s the secret to having a great sex life in and beyond your 60s and 70s?
Number one, you have to remember that it won’t be the same as it was at any other time, whether good or bad in the past. But it can still be delicious. It’s not always about orgasms or penetration. It’s not always about the other person being sexy. Sometimes it’s the other aspects, like the buildup leading to the event and the anticipation. The sweet words of desire. I believe that kind of stuff is as significant as orgasms, which you can still experience. Sex has to be envisioned differently as you get older.
Do you remember the advice you gave me about having great sex at any age?
What? Stop wearing funny clothes?
You said that if I want to have sex when I’m 60, 70, or 80, I need to have sex at 30, 40, and 50.
That’s true. If you aren’t doing it when your body is craving it, when you are hormonally down for it, there’s no way—as your body is aging—that you’re going to want to have sex later.
“Sex is me checking in. People need to understand human contact is a big deal. Flesh on flesh. You thrive when people hold you.”
Can we talk about bad sex? Have you had any of that, and what made it bad?
My second husband had ultra-conservative opinions when it came to sex. He was really ashamed that we had sex outside of marriage, which he considered a sin. So we got married to remove this barrier for him. I think in his head, he decided I was a trollop even though he was doing it with me.
I did one of two things when we were having sex. Number one, I would count how long it took. And then number two, I would pretend like I was having the time of my life so he would get over it and we could move on. But either way, it was bad…really bad.
You’ve always encouraged me to buy sexy clothes and I know you love lingerie. Can you talk about what it means for you?
Lingerie makes me feel like a real-life sexual human being. Being a mom, a secretary, a computer analyst, or whatever doesn’t mean that’s all there is to you. Those aren’t sexual things. They’re not things that make you feel like a woman.
Right at this moment, I have on a light, see-through purple lace bra. It is very sexy. The underpants match. They have a crotch. I like the way it looks on me and it helps me feel feminine. If I were to wear cotton underpants that made it look like I was going off to war, it would remind me of a time when someone made me feel bad or ugly about myself. The attractive underwear makes me feel attractive.
I am not unreasonably vain, but there is a connection to how you feel on the inside with how you see your outside. Some older women feel their time is gone and they are waiting for the coroner to come get them. I say go get some lacy panties and feel yourself.
I will never forget the time you sent me a package with a dildo and a vibrator right after I moved to New York. Do you think a partner is necessary for great sex?
When I run track, we practice to get it right. Then you have the big meet where you get to perform what you practiced. You know your body and how it will react. Solo sex is like that. Maybe you don’t have a partner to practice with, but solo sex also includes your imagination and memories, which makes it a lot of fun. Plus, toys are fun and can keep you out of trouble.
Do you have a sexual bucket list?
Everybody talks about sex on a beach. Well, I’ve done that before, but I’d like to do it again. That, and to do it in a theater.
Any parting words?
Sex should be great. Keep practicing until it’s great for you. Do what makes you happy and gives you pleasure.
“Some older women feel their time is gone and they are waiting for the coroner to come get them. I say go get some lacy panties and feel yourself.”
Author headshot: courtesy of subject. All other images: Getty Images.
