Men are often stereotyped as horndogs with the expectation that any sex for them is good sex. However, it's easy to take for granted that they are complex humans, not just one-dimensionally-obsessed-with-sex degenerates like movies would have us believe, and have moments where they're not in the mood, just like anyone else. The stories shared here capture a more nuanced side of their sexual experience, which should definitely be given more consideration.
Reddit user Diligent-Log6805 asked the internet, "Men who don't enjoy sex, why?" Here are some of the most enlightening responses:
1. "More than anything, it’s gotta be the pressure to perform. Far too often, I would get too 'in my own head' trying to focus on my partner’s pleasure and fighting off my own insecurities, and the anxiety would ruin my sex drive."
2. "I literally turned down a hookup once with a girl I really liked simply because I was coming off the back of a pretty bad sexual experience, and I was worried that I'd perform badly and that she'd tell her friends (who were part of my wider friend group at the time). The anxiety it induced just meant the whole thing didn't feel worth it, it was too much of a risk."
3. "ADHD is a bitch, that's why. Sex is great until my brain gets bored of it and wants to do something else. It's particularly a problem in long relationships."
4. "I've realized recently that I don't enjoy casual sex anymore. Like, one-night stands and all that stuff. I got out of a ten-year relationship when I was about 35 and spent two years on dating apps just making the rounds. Everything was done respectfully, and nobody's feelings got hurt, or anything like that. Every partner was aware that it was just casual sex. It was fun for a while, but I definitely started realizing that it was just glorified masturbation when there was no real emotional connection. Once it started to get to the point where the best part was the nice dinner and conversation that I was having before the sex, I just kind of lost interest."
5. "It's too physically taxing in my opinion, and I am a pretty fit guy. Just the pressure to perform as a man, and maintain certain uncomfortable positions for extended periods, is just unappealing to me. I much rather prefer chill foreplay and touching/cuddling, and then masturbating when I am alone. I only really want sex when I am REALLY horny, but normally I prefer anything else to be honest."
6. "I could just jerk off and then go do more productive things."
7. "Women can be surprisingly harsh in the bedroom, but I always remind myself they’re probably lashing out from a place of their own insecurities. One called my dick small because I was struggling to stay hard for some reason (probably anxiety)."
8. "I don't dislike sex, I just don't have a high sex drive. I'm okay with having sex whenever, but I'm rarely like 'Yeah I want to have sex!' you know? It feels good, but I could easily live without it."
9. "No sensation. It doesn't feel bad, but it doesn't feel special either. It's no better than if I were to just do it myself. I take joy in the fact that my partner enjoys it, but for me, it's nothing great. Which is a real shame because I can't exactly express these sorts of things to her."
"I feel the same. I've also been checked and the doctor said that if that was during puberty, then it would be alarming, but as I'm almost 30, it's normal. Men have peak libido as a late teenager, and then sensation and interest start steadily going to shit."
10. "Wife makes it feel like a chore and clearly doesn't enjoy it. Over the last few years of less and less sex and being told to 'hurry up' while trying to make love, not just sex, has taken all feeling from the act from me. Honestly, I would rather take the trash out at this point."
11. "My back is stiffer than my dick these days."
12. "[Women] get really offended when you can't get hard. Even worse, they get offended when you don't want to sleep with them. Guys are supposed to always put out and never reject sex."
13. "Pornography. I got introduced to it way too young and I’ve been addicted to it most of my life. Sex just never felt as good, so I never cared for it. My partner won’t do most of the hardcore stuff I’m into, which I completely understand and don’t resent them for in any way, but as a result, I find the vanilla stuff we end up doing dreadfully boring."
14. "I feel like doggy and cowgirl are fairly manageable but missionary SUCKS when you are obese. You're essentially holding a plank position while nonstop thrusting your hips. Such an intense workout you can't even enjoy anything."
15. "We need friction, and there isn’t always a lot of friction in a woman that is very turned on and wet. It becomes almost sex with no sensation at all. I have never experienced a numb penis but I definitely change positions to create more friction."
16. "Erections get weaker with age. Before going back to SSRIs, when I could still have some sort of erection, it was never 100% 'inflated,' more like 80%. So, less blood means less pressure and less sensation. Ask a penis-owning friend about masturbating with a flaccid penis, it would take centuries to finish."
17. "Too much effort and reciprocation needed to get it. Reciprocation doesn't seem to occur anymore, so my desire to put in effort isn't there."
18. And finally, "After enough sex, you realize it's not all it's cut out to be. You also start to realize that it won't stop that feeling of wanting to be loved by someone. Sex is great, but it doesn't match the feeling of knowing that there's someone in this world that loves you and wants to make you a better person."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.