We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community, "What's your reason for staying in a marriage that doesn't make you happy?" We shared these two articles with some emotional accounts from folks grappling with unfulfilling marriages, then heard from even more Community members in similar situations who wanted to share their stories, too. Here's what they revealed:
1. "I am a 50-year-old woman who has been married for 22 years. I found out he was cheating in year 10. He had been cheating the entire time we were together, even during our dating period, and I had no clue! He was good at it, and I was trusting, so it never crossed my mind that he was with other women. Our boys were 1 and 3 at the time. I was also a stay-at-home mom who homeschooled and only worked part-time on the weekends. There was no way I could leave. My sons needed their dad, and financially, I could not support us, so I stayed. They are now both in high school, and I am looking at the calendar almost every day, counting down to when I can leave. There's been no intimacy for over 10 years, and I am more than fine with it. I am sure he sees other people, but I don't care; it's his business. As soon as my kids are off to college, I hope and pray I can leave. It's not worth it to stay after that."
—Anonymous
2. "We've been married for 38 years and dated for three years before getting married. My wife and I will talk about paying bills, our children (we have three adult children), current events, and anything in the news, but otherwise, we are like two ships passing in the night. We are like two roommates, not two people madly in love. The love and intimacy are gone. We have not been intimate in over 20 years. The reason for staying together is simple: money. I cannot afford to maintain two households, nor do I want to explain to my kids (and grandkids) why mom and dad are not together anymore. I really want to get out of this relationship, but I see no way out. I'm stuck here, and there's no way out. It's so miserable, I cannot bear it. I guess I'm destined to die an unhappy man."
—Anonymous
3. "We've been together for almost 10 years, married for eight, and have two kids (6 and 3). I only stay because I don't want to lose my comfortable lifestyle, and I don't want to make my life so much more complicated with the kids dividing their time between us. There is so much I've hated about my husband for years. We have our ups and downs, but when it all boils down to it, he is the biggest asshole you could ever meet. His coworkers do not know his true colors; his family does, though. They'd all be on my side if I divorced him, and not one of them would be surprised. I'm just mad at myself for taking so much verbal and emotional abuse for so long. I deserve so much better than this."
4. "We've been together for six years, married for one and a half, and we were college sweethearts. My husband is very happy and loves being married to me. My only complaint is that the sex and romance are not great for me. I've never gotten a spark from my husband, and while the sex is tolerable, it's nowhere near as amazing as it was with some of my exes. I really wish I could have amazing sex, but it's not worth divorcing over. We make a great team in every other way. We laugh a lot, have fun on date nights, share many friends we see regularly, balance chores and errands between us, and care for each other. I don't want to lose my best friend and biggest support over something as shallow as the sex not being amazing."
—Anonymous
5. "I promised GOD I would stay with her. So unless she does something illegal, immoral, or unethical, I will follow my promise to God that I proclaimed on our wedding day. My promise to God outweighs all my wants and desires."
—Anonymous
6. "I was married for 43 years. The beginning was great, but then we had a child and some health issues. He was not happy and was sure to let me know. I prepared for a divorce as things worsened (he became unemployed). I gave notice to quit my job, had a place to move to, etc. He had a major stroke, and I could NOT leave. I still had obligations to him and our child. So I stayed and cared for him for 20 more years (he was disabled the whole time). He recently passed, and I have taken it as a time for me to re-grow. I only might have a short time left, but it's now mine, and I have also found new LOVE."
7. "I've been married for just over 19 years. We were best friends for a long time, but then life happened and handed us hardship after hardship. My mother died (she was my best friend), and we had a one-and-a-half-year-old at the time. We both lost our jobs and the house we lived in. From that point on, we just fought all the time! He wasn't there for me when my mom passed and didn't even act like he cared. Emotionally, I needed support and compassion from him, but it just never happened, so I told him how I was feeling and said that he was losing me, but once again, he did nothing to help fight for us. After five more years of living together without any connection, I met someone who fulfilled my needs and made me feel like a person again. But I still didn't want to give up on my marriage, so I told my husband that I had met someone else and that we needed to get back to a good place."
"He just looked at me with this blank stare and told me he loved me and wanted me to be happy, but he didn't fight for me. So, here I am, still in a loveless marriage but trying to act like we're friends for the sake of our son!"
—Anonymous
8. "We have been together for 29 years, married for eight, and we have an adult son with autism who lives with us. I haven't worked since my son was born. I had planned to go back to work when he started school, but with his diagnosis and my husband's long hours, we decided it would be best that I stay home. My husband's been retired for a year; all he does is eat, sleep, watch TV, and play on his phone. I pay the bills, buy groceries, cook, and clean the house. I'm stuck. We sleep in separate rooms. I feel like I'll never be happy again."
—Anonymous
9. "I've been married for almost 20 years to someone with alcoholism, which takes an emotional toll. He is controlling, talks negatively about our family, and used to say horrible things about my father, who had dementia and needed to be cared for. He's often jealous of my dad, my kids, and other family members, so he's ruined every holiday with his antics — right up through the last ones with my dad, which he knew meant so much to me. He had to be number one, or he would make a scene. Every promise he made to change was broken. Nothing ever changed, and then he got cancer. I was hoping for a miracle — some sort of eye-opening respect for love, life, and family — but nope, he went back to the bottle. Luckily, before my father died, he helped me move out and get a home in my own name."
"I worked hard all along, cared for the kids, and did everything, but I no longer had to tolerate him, clean up his messes, or watch him ruin things due to his poor judgment. I don't have to deal with the sweaty bedsheets that reek of alcohol, the hidden beer cans, or the bad bathroom behavior after drinking. But he needs my insurance, so divorce is not an option."
—Anonymous
10. "I've been the cook and maid for 45 years, and I'm sick of it! I wish we could split, but financially, we can't. Can't afford two households. I sleep in a different room. We have almost no sex. It would be NONE if left up to me. We're more like roommates with sex maybe once a month."
11. "We've been married 18 years. I'm too scared to leave because my husband is emotionally abusive. He's emotionally connected and available to other women but has never been for me. If l try to talk to him about it, he gets very nasty and tells me l am trying to pick a fight. He turns everything around on me, so l am scared to leave. He is also very controlling."
—Anonymous
12. "I've been married for just over seven years. There were so many red flags before the wedding, but I kept gaslighting myself. We lived with his parents for five years after we got married for all the wrong reasons. He said he couldn't bear leaving his parents after his older brother and wife moved out. But, it was really because he had a gambling problem and substantial debt, which I didn't realize until we had put a down payment on our house. And then COVID hit, and I realized he was dealing with an alcohol addiction. We finally moved out, and thanks to lax government rules, he can now buy alcohol just about anywhere, which has led him to become a full-fledged alcoholic. At one point, we had tried to have kids, but he had ED and refused to do anything about it. He barely works, and whatever money he does earn is spent on alcohol, leaving me to pay the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and all the bills."
"Why would he grant me a divorce? He's got the best life. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to survive and essentially waiting for him to die of liver failure."
—Anonymous
13. "I must stay because disappointing my family, especially my parents, is too scary. In my community, divorce is not that common. It's still a taboo and something people do not wish to speak about. It does not connote freedom, liberty, or empowerment. In fact, people see it as a failure or something unfortunate. My parents paid for my entire wedding, which is how things are done in my community. They spent quite a lot. To make matters worse, everyone in my extended family loves my wife. Divorce will make me the weak link. It's torture being married to someone who has high expectations, is a high achiever, and is gregarious. I should never have gotten married in the first place. Growing up was already exhausting, and I had to survive my nation's tough education system. I just wanted to chill out after getting myself a decent job. However, due to societal expectations, I got married. I have so many regrets."
"I've been married 18 years, and I experienced way more happiness before marriage than I have after. Even though I did not grow up with well-to-do parents, I did not experience the nagging, blaming, insulting, and put-downs I get from my overachieving, dynamic wife.
In my mind, I often replay the wonderful times when I was single and spent time playing with my adorable baby nephews. No, I do not reminisce about playing with my own baby children, although they were no less adorable, because those thoughts would include my wife. I never think of the happy times post-marriage because there have been so many arguments over these 18 years. I think I have been scolded by my wife (or had an argument with her) more in any single year of marriage than by my parents in the 32 years I lived with them. I often fantasize that my wife is out of my life. I dream of having my own place and living a minimalist, tasteful lifestyle."
—Anonymous
14. "We've been married 41 years and are living like roommates. I'm 63, and he's 65. I was never a priority in his life, and I did everything (including raising our daughter) alone. All I ever wanted was a 'partner' who made me feel loved and cared for. He provided a good income with government benefits. I worked part-time and have a small pension and Social Security. I need his health insurance (various health issues) and cannot afford to live on my own. We own a nice home and live financially comfortably. We care about each other (no spark or intimacy) and now have grandchildren who are our world. We will live unhappily 'til death do us part. We considered divorcing many years ago but stayed together for our daughter. Sadly, it is what it is at this point."
—Anonymous
15. "My husband and I have been married just over 10 years (we've known each other for 24+ years). Neither of us had been married before; this was two months before my 60th birthday. He's about eight and a half years older. I've always made quite a lot more than he did. He had a stroke seven years ago, from which he never fully recovered. However, his physical and cognitive health have been declining markedly. It's now like living with a large toddler in multiple ways. That's why I now work from home and get a lot of necessities delivered. He needs a lot of attention (both physically and emotionally). I would be better off without the interruptions, hard conversations, and messes. But I still love him and will not bail out of the marriage. In fact, I'm most worried that I won't be able to take care of him eventually. He wouldn't do well in a nursing home environment."
—Anonymous
16. "My husband has a drinking problem. He doesn't contribute around the house or with the kids unless explicitly told what to do. My income pays the bills, but I have to travel for work and need an 'adult' to be present for my kids, so I've stayed. I only resent him; he's wiped out all of my savings and retirement. I'm trying to restart and hide money to afford to retire one day. He's lazy and doesn't even have proper hygiene. I want him to leave so badly, but we both know he can't afford to go anywhere, and there is no way I could force my kids to visit him in whatever hellhole he'd manage to find. I'm hoping when my kids go to college, I can finally be free, but man, what a sad way to live the majority of my life. I've never been loved or cared for by my spouse. I pray my kids make better choices."
—Anonymous
17. "We've been together for 26 years, married for 18. We get along well and don't argue. We go out to dinner, festivals, etc. There's been no intimacy or sex in over 12 years. I gained weight after having our son almost 26 years ago and have put on even more weight since. I was devastated by his comment that he wasn't attracted to me because I had put on weight while I was pregnant. I, unfortunately, acquired an STI when I was younger and feel like no one else will want to have sex with me. My husband is the only guy I ever told about the STI. He survived prostate cancer but has no sex drive. If he doesn't want sex, he automatically assumes I don't want it either!"
"Money is an issue for both of us, too. In today's economy, it takes two incomes to make it! I moved out before and was still supporting two households. I moved back home because I didn't want to continue supporting both households. It's okay, but I miss intimacy, being held, and someone desiring me."
—Anonymous
18. Finally: "I stayed for 18 years after I found out my husband was having an affair with my 'best friend' while I was pregnant with our third child. I should have left him then, but I stayed to keep the family together. Then, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and finally left the marriage after 32 years of being unhappily married. Don't stay for the kids. It only messes them up."
Thank you to those who bravely shared their stories, and I hope you one day find peace and happiness. If you're also in an unfulfilling marriage but divorce isn't an option, you can tell us your story in the comments or submit it anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.