Women Are Sharing The Unfair Expectations Society Places On Them That People Refuse To Talk About, And As A Fellow Woman, I Feel Seen, Heard, And Understood

    "No one would ever expect a man to stand there and be shamed like that."

    Carley Suthers
    by Carley Suthers

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Practically, from the time a woman is born, society begins placing unfair expectations on her. Whether it's strangers telling us to smile or endless questions about relationships and potential motherhood, women are made to endure the burden of people-pleasing to a nearly unattainable degree. While there has been a conversation surrounding these expectations in the past few decades, many of these harmful assumptions remain undiscussed...

    A woman stands looking down while several hands point accusatorily at her from the side, symbolizing judgment or blame
    Siphotography / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    So, when u/Legitimate-Big7482 recently asked the r/AskWomen community, "What’s something society unfairly expects of your gender that no one talks about?" I felt I had to share some of the most enlightening responses. From atoning for their partner's mistakes to being considered the primary parent — here are 17 unrealistic expectations society places on women:

    1. "Accepting condescension."

    A woman sits at a desk looking frustrated as a man gestures while speaking to her in an office setting
    Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty Images

    "There are so many times in my life where it is so much easier to just let someone explain something to me or to do a physical task for me that I could just as easily do myself than it is to say, 'No thank you, I've got it.' And I think everybody knows that. Men are constantly explaining stuff to women. Even people who are typically allies and understand that women aren't weak morons act as if I'm insulting and emasculating men when I assert myself by saying, 'Oh, I already know that; you don't need to explain it to me,' or 'Please give that back. I can carry it myself.'

    No one would expect a man to allow another man to carry his groceries for him to save his feelings. But people somehow think that if I force a man to watch me load my own groceries into my car, I am insulting and emasculating him. No one ever stops to think about how demeaning and infantilizing it is to ask me — a three-time world champion powerlifter — to watch as a 60-year-old man loads my car for me. I'm supposed to suck that up and live with it. No one would ever expect a man to stand there and be shamed like that."

    —u/T-Flexercise

    2. "Atoning for our partners' shortcomings. If a man f*cks up, the woman in his life gets blamed. But, at the same time, we're expected to speak for them."

    "My parents will get mad at my partner and take it out on me, even if I know nothing about it. They also ask me about him instead of just asking him directly"

    —u/jennybean2442

    3. "Scheduling. Society tends to expect women to coordinate and schedule everything socially related."

    "I was two weeks late to my own birth. Please do not expect me to be anywhere on time, much less get anyone else there on time."

    —u/Ranma-chan

    4. "Being in charge of others' medical care."

    A woman checks a man's blood pressure on a couch at home, showing a caring interaction in a domestic setting
    Jasonfang / Getty Images

    "Currently, my husband and I are on our way to the surgery center, where he will undergo a hip replacement. It’s his body; he should be taking care of it and all the things he has to do with it. Instead, he has told anyone who has called that he does not want an in-home therapist — which puts the burden on me to take him to therapy.

    We have a very high bed that requires a jump or a step to get into it. I know he will not be able to climb into that bed, but he said he will. I told him I was making an executive decision that he would sleep in the guest room.

    I looked into aftercare, but he did not. I ordered a strap and a sliding sheet to help lift him, but he said neither was necessary. I bought them anyway. All of these burdens would have fallen on me.

    He's acting this way because two of his friends said he would be fine! They had the procedure and were walking around the store in two days. They think he will be able to drive!

    No, he won’t. He tells me the surgeon is going in through his groin — not his hip. I have no idea why, and I didn’t investigate. It’s his body. But apparently it’s my responsibility."

    —u/FinanciallySecure9

    5. "Working on your period with the output the same as any other time of the month..."

    "Can you imagine being hooked up to a machine donating blood but working and doing everything else simultaneously? Yet, that's what we're expected to do."

    —u/Lizzle372

    6. "Motherhood. There isn’t a magical mommy hormone that kicks in when we give birth."

    "Parenthood as a whole is a learning process. I’m the default parent because you noticeably and openly put all responsibility for the child on me; it didn’t just happen because I'm a woman."

    —u/LadyDatura9497

    7. "Feeling as safe as often as men do."

    Woman looking at phone in subway tunnel while another person walks behind her. The setting appears tense and dramatic
    Azat_ajphotos / Getty Images

    "50% of the adult population could easily overpower me. Not to mention that lawlessness and general senselessness are rising.

    More often than not, I don't feel safe in public. I cannot see how this surprises people, yet whenever I have expressed this discomfort, I am often told that I am being ridiculous. Now I just keep it to myself but refuse to elaborate why I won't go to an increasing number of places."

    —u/Kixion

    8. "Neurodivergent women are expected to just...not be neurodivergent."

    "Go into any neurodivergent group for AFAB (assigned female at birth) people, and you'll hear lots of stories about how they were diagnosed later in life and are just NOW in their late 20s, 30s, or 40s getting the medication and support they need just to function. Often, these women are finally diagnosed because they have severe burnout and dysfunction that they've had to mask themselves throughout life.

    Most AMAB (assigned male at birth) people get diagnosed early in their lives, usually in childhood or early teens. They often get most of the support they need (it's not a perfect system for anyone, I'll admit) and more leeway/leniency, despite struggling (like neurodivergent women) with basic adult things like social etiquette."

    —u/magicfluff

    9. "Hair removal! It’s so time-consuming and can become so expensive and exhausting."

    "All this work for something that grows back for some people within days. Aside from the aesthetic purpose being the culprit for doing it, people don’t talk about how draining it is."

    —u/kimberlocks

    10. "Taking on the entire burden of fertility/birth control."

    "It’s just assumed that you’re the one who has to get an IUD, go on pills, etc., while also being the one to bear the burden of an unplanned pregnancy. 

    It rubs me the wrong way and is a burden mentally and physically. More vasectomies, please."

    —u/WatercressWorldly

    11. "Being the eldest girl child, whenever I am at a relative's place, I am expected to go and help my aunts in the kitchen with cooking and serving. It feels like all my movements are scrutinized. I feel guilty if I sit down and enjoy the event with my cousins."

    Person cooking in a cozy kitchen, stirring a pot on the stove. Vegetables and kitchenware are visible on the counter
    Gorodenkoff / Getty Images

    "Meanwhile, my older brothers just chat and goof around, and no one bats an eye. Sometimes, I also want to be carefree and have fun at a house party without everyone else expecting me to hop into the kitchen immediately after coming over.

    Now that I have grown older, I actively make my younger siblings — irrespective of their gender — assist their moms or aunts. Some of my older brothers now offer to help out, too.

    I am trying to create ripples of change within this pattern cemented by patriarchy. I think a lot depends on efforts our generation makes to bring some real change on the ground level with respect to how women are perceived in the society."

    —u/Daphne010

    12. "To be considered a 'strong woman,' you must suffer silently and without trying to prevent, avoid, or get away from situations that lead to your suffering."

    "A strong man makes changes; a strong woman suffers and sacrifices quietly."

    —u/rainbomg

    13. "Caring for parents as they age."

    "Even if there is a wide variety of siblings (aka older brothers), the oldest daughter is automatically deemed the caretaker.

    And if she's single or childless?! Wow, she's got nothing better to do! So convenient."

    —u/beatriceblythe

    14. "It was my experience that I, as a full-time working mom, was the default for all things kid-related. Mind you, my ex-husband worked full-time in the same office."

    Adult and child hands on a laptop keyboard, suggesting shared technology use
    Ekaterina Vasileva-Bagler / Getty Images

    "Whether it was picking our children up when they were sick, going to appointments, PTA meetings, conferences, school plays, concerts, lunches, etc., the burden fell on me. 

    Here is a side rant I've never talked about before: Once, when I was on disciplinary probation for missing work due to childcare, the school nurse called me to pick up my youngest. I told my ex he'd have to do it because I would be fired if I left. 

    He went to our boss, who then asked why I couldn't go instead. I was in earshot, and I guess the look on my face spoke for me because it only took a minute or so of silently staring at them in a blind rage for them to grasp the bizarreness of the situation entirely."

    —u/D1sco_Lemonade

    15. "Healing men."

    "Example: It's common to sit disruptive boys next to quiet girls in the class as part of behavioral management. A young girl should not be used as a tool to improve a boy’s behavior.

    This habit then follows them throughout adulthood."

    —u/Riin183

    16. "While domestic expectations are talked about, it’s still wild to me that — even though I work as much or more than my partner — the state of the home still somehow falls on me. If guys are messy, it’s just a dude thing."

    "Not that my relationship works that way. We split things fairly evenly. But there is this unspoken element that if someone comes over and the house is a mess, then I am not meeting expectations, but he is just a guy with a messy house.

    What’s messed up is that I have also felt this way about other women and their homes. I didn't mean to, but I just realized it one day."

    —u/ooodlydoodlyboodle

    17. "Being pretty and put together at all times — no matter what."

    A person in a stylish striped outfit examines a patterned dress on a rack in a clothing store
    Thomas Barwick / Getty Images

    "Even in The Walking Dead, a series about a zombie apocalypse, the women had perfectly shaven arms and legs, fitting and somewhat stylish clothes, and perfect haircuts. Meanwhile, the men often looked rugged, which is what one would expect in an apocalypse.

    Once, when I was clearly sick and looking and feeling half dead, I walked my dog while wearing sweatpants and got several dirty looks. As if anyone would even notice a man wearing sweatpants while walking a dog — let alone while ill."

    —u/broski_on_the_move

    How have these unfair expectations impacted your life? Can you think of any other expectations or assumptions society places on women? Let us know in the comments! (Or, if you prefer to stay anonymous, you can answer using this Google Form).

    Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.