Here's When You Should (and Shouldn't) Text an Ex

Getting over a breakup is never easy. After you've invested time in a person, formed a meaningful bond, and gotten used to having them as a central part of your life, it's hard to cut ties entirely. It's no surprise, then, that the urge to text your ex can be almost unbearable. You may feel the need to give them a piece of your mind, you might want to tell them you miss them terribly, or perhaps you just want to see how they're doing.

When it comes to whether or not texting your ex is a good idea, there is no one right or wrong answer; ultimately, you have to decide if it's a good idea for you to reach out based on your history. Before you draft a message, it's important to dig deep and ask yourself if communication is really what you need right now. "Whenever we are engaging with a person where the relationship has ended, it would be good to first be thoughtful about the intent of the text," says K'Hara McKinney, a marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. "Is there any value to doing so? If he or she doesn’t respond, will you be okay? We want the interaction to be thoughtful, conscientious, and helpful, most of all."

Still wondering, "Should I text my ex?" To make the decision-making process easier, we tapped McKinney and Fran Walfish, PsyD, for some expert advice.

Why You Feel the Urge to Text an Ex

There are plenty of reasons why you might feel the desire to text your ex. "Many people can't stop thinking about their ex obsessively to ease a feeling of loneliness. Others, who truly loved their ex, can't let go. Some are afraid of getting out there again, so they keep their former relationship alive as a way of staying involved and not feeling single again," Walfish explains. Ultimately, there's only one way to truly let go, she says: dating. "The key factor is the readiness to (finally!) let go."

When thinking about someone constantly, it can be hard to fight the urge to text them, but Walfish insists that looking forward is the healthy thing to do. "Everyone holds on for a different length of time. Some people avoid the pain of loss and grief by texting their ex. Others who have been deeply hurt may close the vault to their heart [and] shut it away under lock and key. You need to know yourself and respect your personal timing," Walfish says.

Is Texting an Ex Ever a Good Idea?

Ultimately, you and your ex are the only two people who understand your relationship (and how it ended)—so only you will know whether or not further communication is smart post-break up. Plenty of people think that sending an "I'm thinking of you" text or following up to see how an ex is faring is helpful as they grieve—or might even be a positive step towards closure. But it's important to remember that closure is about you—not your ex—so texting him or her to say your piece may or may not be helpful.

If you can text your ex with a purpose and conviction, knowing that you might not get a reply, sending a text might be beneficial to your healing. But if you're hoping for an apology or acknowledgement of past hurts, reaching out may do more harm than good—and a simple check in could throw off both your and your ex's healing timelines. "Sometimes, we have lingering questions or things we left unsaid with an ex. It’s important in closure that we know what we want to say and do so on our terms so that the contact feels empowering as much as we can control," says McKinney. "Closure should be only about us and our needs—not how the person may or may not respond—and is not likely if we are relying on the other person to meet that emotional need. Closure has to be more about us." 

When You Should Text Your Ex

According to Walfish, there's definitely a time when it's acceptable to text your ex—particularly when there are signs that you two might be able to reconcile. "These signs include that they express and demonstrate genuine accountability and remorse for having hurt you. Another sign is that your ex demonstrates change with continuity," Walfish says. "Anyone can change for a moment, but being flexible and sustaining real change is the key we're looking for in a life partner."

How Long Should You Wait to Text Your Ex?

If you feel that reconciliation is possible (or probable), Walfish says that there's no set time frame for how long to wait before reaching out. "Only you can take your own emotional temperature," she says. "Feelings change from moment to moment. If it feels right, go for it." Just remember: The key to reaching out to an ex is to expect absolutely nothing. "You'll be joyfully surprised if you get a positive response," Walfish notes. "Expectations lead to letdowns and disappointments."

When You Shouldn't Text Your Ex

There's a time when it's definitely not acceptable to text your ex, and according to Walfish, that's when they enter a new relationship. "This is pivotal in the grieving process. Most folks entertain a certain fantasy that reconciliation of romance and all-good love will resume. When you learn your ex has a new relationship, the ending and death of the fantasy must be faced, and the true mourning process begins," she says. "The depth of pain of the loss of love is usually felt at this point, and recovery is quicker because time has passed during the fantasy/hope phase. Learning that your ex has a new relationship forces you to move on with your life, and, painful as it feels, it is really a golden gift in disguise." Don't turn away that gift by sending a text to prolong the hurt, she explains.

Even if your ex is single, there's another time when you absolutely should not text him or her. "When you’re drinking, vulnerable, or unable to be intentional and clear about why it is happening," offers McKinney. "Reaching out to an ex tends to restart the grief process, so it’s important to make the contact count."

Ultimately, the decision to text or not to text your ex comes down to understanding the difference between temporary neediness (or the impulse to return to a negative relationship) and the hope for an improved relationship with your ex. This involves self-awareness and recognizing that it's okay to feel the urge to reach out, even if you don't act on it. "One must be brutally honest at all times, including when we experience our deepest pain," Walfish says. "It is natural and absolutely normal to feel needy. We are interdependent beings who need each other."

What to Say If Your Ex Texts You Back

Texting your ex will have two outcomes: It might go well (and lead to a call or in-person regroup, if that's your end goal) or it could turn sour. According to McKinney, the latter is much more likely—so it's important to be prepared for a negative response. "Expect that these conversations will likely derail, since emotions may still be high," says McKinney. "Form a safety plan accordingly to mend the reopened wound."

To put that safety plan in motion before you even send your message, check in with yourself to better understand your own motivations and boundaries. "If the ex responds, we should know what the point of the contact is, and understand our personal limits in terms of how much contact we can take before it loses its benefit," McKinney explains. "We ought to be in tune with our needs beforehand so as not to engage in ways that hinder our healing."

If the conversation does go south, implement your exit plan. "In understanding our boundaries and intent prior to the conversation, we can simply state our boundary and end it once we notice ourselves getting triggered," says McKinney, noting that it's as simple as saying, "This is starting to take an unexpected turn, so this conversation is now over." Having a friend or family member on standby while you text your ex may also be useful in case you need support in the aftermath.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Texting an Ex

On the fence about whether or not it's a good idea to text your ex? Ask yourself these questions—and be honest with your answers!—to determine if there's anything to gain from sending that message.

• What kind of response are you hoping to receive?
• How will a response other than the desired one make you feel?
• How will you feel if they don't answer at all?
• Will receiving a text from you cause them to feel any harm?
• Is it mutually beneficial for you two to speak right now?