How to Manage Your Own Expectations About Your Child’s Wedding

When a couple begins planning their wedding, they establish certain expectations about what their big day will look like and how the festivities will unfold. They might picture themselves walking down the aisle on a sunny, cloudless day at a château in France, surrounded by their closest friends and family. But what if you, the parent, envisioned something larger and closer to home, so extended family could attend? Since witnessing your son or daughter tie the knot is something you have also dreamed about, you’ve also developed dreams and desires for their nuptials, whether that’s the venue, the price tag, the guest list, or the overall experience.

Having expectations about your daughter or son’s wedding is natural and normal. These presumptions can even be beneficial when they’re realistic, when you clearly communicate them to your child, and when they match your child’s wants, according to licensed psychotherapist Kristin Anderson. However, if these wishes are unattainable or if they conflict with your child’s own ideas, they can result in an enormous amount of pressure, putting strain on your relationship and creating a contentious wedding-planning and day-of experience. And when the celebration doesn’t meet (or even exceed) your own expectations, you might feel sad, disappointed, stressed, and resentful, which compounds this adverse impact. 

In order for a smooth, seamless experience, Anderson says realistic, fluid, and positive expectations are vital. Wondering how to manage your expectations about your child’s wedding and develop a healthy vision for their nuptials? Read on to learn more.

Common Expectations Parents Have About Their Child’s Wedding

For parents, having expectations about your child’s wedding is a universal experience. Here are some of the most common ones. 

Family Traditions

Whether it’s wanting your child to trade vows in a religious ceremony, to incorporate cultural rituals into their reception, or to serve their wedding cake using an heirloom knife, having certain expectations regarding traditions that you deem important is common. “These traditional elements can often feel like a ‘passing of the torch’ and bring a sense of continuity from one generation to the next,” Anderson says. However, without asking for your child’s thoughts on these traditions and without acknowledging their individual beliefs, lifestyle, and preferences, your expectations can quickly become self-serving.

The Guest List

Since your child is getting married, you probably want your closest friends and family members to watch them say “I do.” “For many parents, this wedding is an event about bringing together family and friends, and it can make sense why it feels important to have certain people in attendance,” Anderson notes. In addition to wanting particular individuals on the guest list, you might also have expectations about the number of people, especially if you’re contributing any amount of money.

The Price

If you’re helping your child cover a portion or all of the wedding expenses, chances are, you’re going to have an expectation about the overall bill. This might look like making a prediction about the price tag or adopting beliefs on who should pay for which costs. You may also believe that the affair will be affordable, which might backfire without a reasonable budget. 

The Wedding Experience

You may also have expectations about the actual wedding day, from the guests’ behavior and the couple’s mood to the ceremony music and the dinner menu, according to psychologist Dr. Sherrie Allen. Since this is a momentous occasion in your child’s life, you probably want the day to go as planned—without any hiccups—while everyone enjoys themselves, including yourself and your child. With a narrow vision, however, you’ll feel disappointed, dejected, and upset if your ideas don’t come to fruition.

Why Parents Have Expectations About Their Child’s Wedding

Whether they’re flexible and attainable or rigid and impractical, here’s why it’s common to have expectations about your child’s wedding.

You Care About Your Child’s Wellbeing

Many parents’ expectations about their child’s wedding comes from a place of love and care, Anderson says. If you want your daughter or son to kick off their marriage in the best way possible since you believe they deserve the world, it’s natural to want their special day to be perfect and full of joy. Even if you have good intentions, however, the impact isn’t always favorable. For instance, by assuming and hoping that your child will be nothing but happy all day, you might unintentionally discourage your child from disclosing feelings of nervousness or fear, which will create distance between the two of you.

You’ve Gone Through the Process Before

If you’ve experienced the wedding-planning process before, whether it was your own affair or another child’s, you have an understanding of the steps that you took (or didn’t take) to get the corresponding result. With this knowledge, you might develop expectations about your child’s upcoming function that stem from a prior experience. While knowing how the past event unfolded can alleviate some of the uncertainty surrounding it and help you learn from your mistakes, you might actually project expectations that aren’t beneficial to or representative of your child.

You View the Affair as a Chance to Redo Your Own

According to Allen, you may have had a subpar or even disastrous experience when you tied the knot, so you might live vicariously through your child’s affair. Or perhaps you regret a detail or decoration from your own celebration, so you unknowingly approach the planning process with the intention of rectifying them. Either way, your expectations meet your needs, not your child’s.

You Believe the Wedding Reflects Yourself and Your Family

Another reason why you may have expectations about your child’s vow exchange is because you view the affair as a reflection of yourself and your family. You may unconsciously see the function as a way to make an impression on others by showcasing your level of generosity, financial ability, or social status. Since your child’s wedding is also a public announcement to the community, per Allen, you might want the festivities to represent your family’s values and traditions, too. 

How Parents Can Manage Their Expectations About Their Child’s Wedding

Managing your expectations about your child’s wedding is necessary for a smooth, drama-free day in the short-term and a healthy relationship with your daughter or son in the long-term. Below, the experts reveal how to accomplish this.

Prioritize Your Child’s Happiness Above Your Own

Instead of using your child’s wedding to fulfill your own desires and demands, shift the focus to helping your child plan an event that satisfies their needs and makes them happy. Anderson says this entails setting your wishes aside, putting yourself in your child’s shoes, and asking them what they truly want out of their special day. “This approach helps to create space for both you and your child that includes mutual support and understanding rather than tension and resentment,” Anderson says.

Think About the Big Picture

It’s easy to get caught up in minor details and rigid ideas about how the day should unfold. However, this approach only creates stress and tension and overshadows the experience. To manage your expectations in a healthy way, remember the purpose of your child’s wedding: to marry their life partner. “By keeping their intentions rooted in love, support, and happiness for their child, parents can set realistic expectations that prioritize the essence of the celebration over minor details or external pressures,” Anderson shares.

Communicate Your Non-Negotiables

If you have certain desires for your child’s wedding like establishing an affordable budget or adding your relatives to the guest list, having your child meet those expectations is completely appropriate and even necessary. In order for your child to adhere to these desires, you have to communicate them. “When all foreseeable expectations are discussed, the expectations are clear and anticipated,” Allen explains. “Expectations that are discussed between the parents and their child will mitigate the possibility of drama on the child’s wedding day.” 

Just make sure you broach the conversation in a compassionate, understanding way, rather than one that’s forceful and demanding. Allen also advises vocalizing your ideas without getting attached to the outcome because, at the end of the day, it’s about your child. For any priorities that your child isn’t on board with, try compromising, per Allen.

Release the Need for Perfection

Even with the best intentions, wanting your child’s wedding to be idyllic will set you and the couple up for disappointment. “Do your best to shift the focus from achieving the perfect day to embracing the true meaning of the wedding day: celebrating the love and union of your child and their life partner,” Anderson recommends.

Remain Flexible

On that same note, accept that not everything will go as planned, whether it’s a chance of rain in the forecast or shipping delays for the outfit you ordered. Adopting an open mindset and adapting to unforeseen changes will make the experience less cumbersome, even if it isn’t exactly what you expected. “Remember that the most important thing is to support your child and their partner throughout the wedding journey, regardless of any hiccups along the way,” Anderson points out.

Maintain Trust

Even if there are mishaps or upsets, such as learning that the venue you had envisioned is fully booked or experiencing a last-minute vendor cancellation, Allen encourages you to trust that everything will fall into place. Maybe something even better will come along.

Express Gratitude

Having fixed ideas about your child’s wedding is a recipe for disaster, especially if (and when) they don’t pan out. To transform your experience from stressful to easeful, despite the outcome, Allen recommends focusing on gratitude. Rather than obsessing over how things should be, call to mind everything you’re thankful for like having the opportunity to watch your child walk down the aisle. 

Talk to a Trusted Confidant

If you’re struggling to manage your expectations about your child’s wedding, talk through those difficulties with a trusted confidant, whether it’s a friend, family member, therapist, or wedding planner. By vocalizing your concerns to a loved one or a professional, you’ll release the emotional burden you’ve been carrying and receive the support, guidance, and advice needed to effectively adjust them.

Why It’s Important for Parents to Manage Their Expectations About Their Child’s Wedding

Without considering your child’s thoughts and preferences and without explicitly communicating your expectations about their big day, your approach will likely impair your relationship, the planning process, and the wedding experience. Here’s why it’s important to manage your expectations.

It Makes the Planning Process More Enjoyable

If your expectations conflict with those of your child, such as wanting them to get married in a church even though they’re not religious, the planning process will be contentious. While you’ll feel disrespected and frustrated, your child will feel unheard and angry or guilty, causing unending arguments to break out ahead of the wedding. On the other hand, keeping your expectations in check will eliminate unnecessary conflict and create a more collaborative planning experience. 

It Creates a More Meaningful Wedding Experience

When your expectations prevail, your child’s wedding won’t be an accurate depiction of their identity and relationship, but your own, according to Anderson. “Unrealistic expectations can create unnecessary pressure and detract from the true meaning of the celebration,” she says. This will cause your child to have a negative experience, which will lead to anger and resentment. Instead, by managing your expectations, your child will throw a celebration that’s memorable and meaningful for them—and their joy will be infectious.

It Improves Your Relationship

Having demands and rigid beliefs for your child’s wedding will cause a rift between the two of you that extends far beyond the wedding. Your child will probably resent you for imposing on their special day. On the other hand, by adopting realistic expectations and discussing them with your child before the big day, you’ll be able to understand one another’s perspective and come to an agreeable compromise, which will salvage your relationship.