How to Politely Decline a Wedding Invitation, According to an Etiquette Expert

These days, the wedding invitations keep coming. It feels like everyone around you is getting married all at once—and attending each and every event has started to feel like less like an exciting opportunity to celebrate the newlyweds and more like a never-ending list of chores. Sound familiar? You aren't alone: If you have recently been invited to a duo's nuptials, but you either can’t attend due to scheduling conflicts (or you simply don’t want to), you might be wondering how to decline a wedding invitation the right way.

Depending on how close you are to the couple, simply mailing back an RSVP card with your regrets might not feel like enough. So, is a text, phone call, or face-to-face conversation best? Should you send the couple a gift to soften the blow? Or can you really just RSVP no, plain and simple? Clearly, deciding against attending can put you in a tricky situation. You don’t want to be rude or insult the couple, and you definitely want to maintain a positive relationship in the future. You also can’t avoid the issue; you wouldn't want them to pay for a spot at the table you aren’t using. To help, we’ve consulted etiquette expert Myka Meier to guide us through the process of politely declining the invitation.

According to Meier, there absolutely is a right and wrong way to do this. A quick phone call to the couple letting them know you care can go a long way. So can sending a meaningful wedding gift or checking in after the festivities to see how they went. Here is a comprehensive guide that will leave all parties happy, even in an uncomfortable situation.

Reasons to Decline a Wedding Invitation

“You could decline a wedding invitation truly for any reason at all,” says Meier. There are, however, a few common scenarios that might warrant a "no" RSVP. Here, we break down several reasons why you might want or need to politely decline.

Finances

One of the biggest reasons people don’t attend weddings, especially destination ones, is finances. If you are struggling to pay off your student debt or pay your expensive city rent, it might be too much to attend a friend’s destination wedding in Hawaii or Aspen. Those flights and hotel rooms add up quickly! The takeaway? You should never go into debt to attend a wedding—and if you simply can't swing it, it's perfectly okay to politely decline.

Scheduling Conflicts

During peak times of the year (wedding season runs from summer into fall), more than one wedding can be scheduled on the same day. You can also have pre-planned leisure or business travel that conflicts with the date. Perhaps the wedding falls during a busy time at work, and you can’t take days off to get there. 

Emotional Reasons

Weddings can also be tricky emotionally. Some people find them hard to attend if they are single or having relationship problems themselves. Others simply don’t find it enjoyable to dance alongside strangers. Meier says it is totally your choice whether to attend a wedding, and you don’t even have to have a “good” reason. “If you just do not want to go, that’s totally up to you,” she adds. But the most important thing is how you express yourself. “It’s more about how you communicate the reason to the couple to ensure you don’t hurt their feelings if you simply don’t care to go,” Meier explains. “You never want to come across hurtful.”

How to Decline a Wedding Invitation the Right Way

It's important to remember that, as an invited guest, you are clearly someone special to the couple of the hour. After all, they invited you to be present for the most important day of their lives. That's why showing compassion while RSVPing no is important. Here are some rules you should follow when declining an invitation.

If You Aren’t Close to the Couple

Maybe you were close to one member of the couple in college, but haven't talked to them much lately. Or you're a distant relative who only sees them once a year at holidays. In these instances, simply check "no" on the RSVP card, and write a little note wishing them well. “You don’t need a long, drawn-out explanation as to why you are not attending in most instances,” says Meier.

If You Are Close to the Couple

Things get more complicated if you are in the couple’s inner circle. “You may want to make a phone call ahead of your written decline with more details as to why you are not attending,” explains Meier. Express your disappointment, and let them know you care and wish them so much happiness. Making an effort to celebrate their union in other ways, at a time that works for you both, is encouraged; after the wedding festivities, take the couple (or the person you're most connected to) out for lunch, dinner, or drinks to celebrate their newly married status.

Tips for Declining a Wedding Invitation

Whether you're close to the couple or a mere acquaintance, there are a few things every invited wedding guest should do when they decline a invitation. Here are a few etiquette-approved tips to help you RSVP no with tact.

RSVP Early

Don’t wait to decline the invitation. You don’t want to risk seeming like you aren’t being thoughtful or, worse, that you are waiting for a better opportunity. 

Send a Gift

“It’s always appropriate to still send a wedding gift even if you are declining their wedding invitation,” notes Meier. “The reason we send a wedding gift, no matter if you attend or not, is because you want to not only show support for the couple but also show gratitude for being invited.” This isn't mandatory by any means, but it is a nice gesture, especially if you're particularly close but can't attend.

Get Involved in Other Parts of the Wedding

If you can’t make the wedding, you still might be able to be part of the pre-wedding festivities, like the bachelorette party or the bridal shower. Ask if you can contribute in some way. Maybe you can assist with the planning, handle a meaningful DIY project, or pitch in with small costs.

Examples of Polite Wedding Invitation Declines 

If you are declining through an RSVP card or an email, it should be personal and reflect your relationship with the couple. To start, here are short and sweet samples Meier suggests you follow:

• “While I’d love to be with you on your special day, I’m sadly unable to attend. I will be there in spirit and cannot wait to see photos!” 
•  “Regretfully we are unable to attend. Best wishes on your special day!”
•  “Sadly, we are unable to attend your wedding day, but look forward to celebrating the next time we see you!”