How to Navigate the Most Difficult Bachelorette Party Dilemmas

Bachelorette parties offer a perfect storm of potential awkwardness, bringing together brides with pre-imagined ideas of their ideal celebration, friends and relatives with conflicting views, and the requirement that everyone agree on a budget and a destination. “It can get awkward when you bring together so many different personalities and ideologies,” says etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “A bride typically will select individuals who are meaningful to her, but they've shown up at different stages and spaces in her life—a coworker that she's really close with, a childhood friend, a new girlfriend who is not part of the old crew. You're bringing all these different folks together for one common purpose, which is to celebrate the bride.”

Whether you’re the bride, the planner, or an attendee, organizing a bachelorette party means discussing everything from guest lists and payments to last-minute dropouts and tricky compromises. We asked three etiquette experts to weigh in on the most difficult dilemmas and conversations you’re likely to face—and how to navigate them.

Bachelorette Party Dilemmas the Bride Might Face

The bachelorette party is all about you, but you don’t want to make it miserable for your friends and family members. Handle any conflicts calmly; be grateful for the effort your loved ones are putting into your celebrations; and recognize that they have more going on in their own lives than just your party. “In a perfect world, a bride should express appreciation versus aggravation. After all, she is the honoree!” says etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts.  “While it may take a village, the bride would benefit from not criticizing so others don’t criticize her, especially so close to her wedding day.”

You don’t like the proposed plans.

Since this is a party celebrating a milestone in your life, the final itinerary should be one you’re excited about—but telling your best friends that you don’t like their plan isn’t easy. “This can be a sensitive subject, because what you're doing, in essence, is saying that you don't like the idea—and it could likely be their idea,” says Swann. “So try to be sensitive in your approach.” 

The experts recommend reaching out to the friend or family member planning the party to share some alternative ideas; don’t veto the ideas on a group email chain or in a text. “Express your concerns behind the scenes to your maid of honor and let her manage the others,” says Netflix etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho, author of Mind Your Manners.

Skip texts and emails in which your tone could be misinterpreted and chat in person to share some alternative ideas that are more your style: dinner at your favorite restaurant instead of a trip to Las Vegas, a weekend at a lake house instead of at a spa. Even better, says Swann: Come up with a list of three party ideas—at three different price points—for your planner to choose from; this approach means you’ll be happy with whatever they pick. 

You know a bridesmaid can’t afford the trip.

Whether you change your plans to accommodate invitees in a variety of financial situations is, at heart, a question about the reasoning behind having this party in the first place. If you see the bachelorette party as an opportunity to cross off a bucket-list travel spot or embrace a celebration centered solely around you, then move forward knowing some of your guests won’t be able to attend. If you want to create a memorable experience shared with your best friends and closest relatives, then approve an event they can all afford. “I would not suggest leaving someone out because they simply cannot afford it,” says Swann. “It's better to have a cohesive moment so that everyone is on this journey together. If some were left out, that can fracture the group into the 'Haves' and the 'Have Nots'—and that's not something you want to do for one of the most memorable days of your life.”

Your other option is to offset part of the costs for your group, making the bachelorette accessible to all your invited guests. “It’s the same as going on a date with your boyfriend,” says Ho. “If you expect him to pay the bill, then go where he can afford, otherwise you will have to subsidize. Have a private conversation with each bridesmaid beforehand about her budget and then choose a venue accordingly.”

Swann agrees: “If you add in a little extra money because this is what you want so that everyone can attend, then that's a better way to go about it as opposed to  leaving folks out. Find some sort of medium that can be attained by everyone in some manner. Focus on the ladies and not necessarily on the opulence.”

Your friend, coworker, cousin, or acquaintance wants to know why she didn’t get an invitation.

Deciding who earns a spot on the guest list for your bachelorette party is a task that can end in confusion or hurt feelings. If a friend or relative who didn’t get an invitation reaches out to ask why, honesty is the best policy, says Swann. “Try to be as honest as possible, but just remain sensitive to their feelings,” she adds. Whether that means your venue had a limited number of bookings, you are keeping the guest list small, or you didn’t think the person would want to attend, the truth will offer the least uncomfortable path forward. You can extend an invitation in the moment if your venue allows add-ons, but you’re not required to do so; your “no” can remain a no.

The planners are having trouble with another attendee.

In a perfect world, the people planning your bachelorette party shouldn’t put the bride in the middle of any conflicts among the guests. However, if an attendee who isn’t close to the other guests is missing payments, being antagonistic, or refusing to help, then it may be necessary for your planners to loop you in. “Have a private talk with the troublesome member and express how important it is to you that they pay, help with plans, and be kind for your big event,” says Ho.

The “private” part of that advice is key: Don’t reprimand your friend, sister, or cousin in front of the rest of the group. “You don’t want to walk into the party and think, ‘This was the person who was scolded by the bride,’” says Swann. “Only step in if all other options have been exhausted and you can help shift the behaviors.”

Bachelorette Party Dilemmas Hosts and Guests Might Face

In most cases, the maid of honor is in charge of organizing the bachelorette party, which is attended by the bridesmaids and other close friends or relatives. “The planning of this occasion should be fun and lighthearted,” says Grotts. “It also involves the three Cs: communication with the bride, clear expectations for all parties, and budget considerations—which is often where conflicts arise.”

The rest of the group doesn’t like the bride’s plan—and it’s your job to get them on board.

The bride has the final say in her bachelorette party plans, say the experts, but it may fall to the maid of honor or other planner to disappoint a group who hoped the bride would pick a beach weekend instead of a dance club. “This is where you bring everyone together and help remind them of why you're here and why you're coming together,” says Swann. “It's not about us and what we like and what we dislike. It's more about celebrating the bride and coming together for her. Recognize that not everyone is going to be happy with it, but it is what it is and we're going to move forward with as much grace as possible.”

After you’ve had this conversation with the other guests, stop yourself from venting about the complainers to the bride. “Do not take any of that back to her,” says Swann. “There may be some folks who are sulking, and that's life. They have a choice to either attend or not.”

You’re a bridesmaid, but you don’t like the plans.

There are two ways to approach this situation, say the experts. If you simply don’t feel enthusiastic about the plans—for example, the destination is inconvenient; you’d prefer a weekend of hiking over a day by the pool; or you don’t know any of the other bridesmaids—you should power through to support the bride. “You’re a chosen bridesmaid partaking in the most important event of your friend’s life,” says Ho. “Suck it up—it’s just a weekend.”

However, if you have a legitimate personal reason for skipping a specific event, then you can gracefully decline, says Swann. If you have a newborn at home and can’t spend a weekend away or if you have health issues that prevent you from a high-intensity activity, then you can send your regrets. Follow two etiquette rules when doing so: Don’t try to convince any other invitees to join you, and don’t make a big deal about not going. “You don’t have to lecture, you don’t have to leave scorched earth behind,” says Swann. “You can opt out of attending functions that don’t align with your own personal well-being—just recognize that it’s your own personal choice and don’t make a lot of noise about it.”

You can’t afford it.

Navigating the financial situations of a large group offers lots of potential for awkwardness. If you truly can’t afford the trip your friends have settled on, then Swann recommends being honest about that. There may be an option for you to join for part of the party instead of the entire event, or the bride may be willing to cover some of your costs. “If you tell the truth, you'll be okay,” says Swann. “And if it's adjusted to where it can fit your budget, then you should most certainly go and enjoy yourself.”

However, if you know blaming the budget will make the bride feel bad, Ho allows for a little leeway on being 100-percent honest. “Better to tell a white lie and blame work commitments,” she says.

You committed, but now you can’t go. 

Whether you have to drop out of the trip weeks or months in advance because of other commitments—a work trip, your grandmother’s 90th birthday, your own pre-wedding celebrations—or because you’re in bed with the stomach bug on the day your flight departs, handle a change in your RSVP with honesty, flexibility, and a willingness to contribute to the costs. “Apologize and tell the truth, but forgo any refunds—like the cost of sharing a hotel room or buying gifts,” says Ho. “Maintain accountability.”