How to help your child deal with rejection

Whatever stage of life they’re at, it’s likely that at some point your child will face rejection. This could be rejection from a social situation or person, academic rejection (for example, failing an exam or application process) or rejection from a sports team or activity.

It can be a difficult thing to witness as a parent or carer. Whilst our natural instinct may be to swoop in and ‘rescue’ our child, the experts say it’s important to take a moment, and consider what might benefit our child in the long run.

With that in mind, BBC Bitesize Parents’ Toolkit has been speaking to clinical psychologist Dr Danielle Grey from The Purple House Clinic in Birmingham, to get her top tips on how to help your child deal with rejection.

1. Try understanding the psychological impact of rejection

Sad girl looks away from family on day out in the countryside - she seems isolated and alone.

If your child has been left out of a game or ghosted on social media, for example, it can lead to negative thoughts like ‘I’m a failure’ or ‘Everyone hates me’.

Danielle says upsetting thoughts like these can feel like an ‘internal bully’. They become stuck and get repeated inside a child’s mind: “Children can then find ways to avoid their tricky feelings and anxieties around rejection by, for example, avoiding friends, making excuses not to start a new school club, or spending hours and hours studying.”

There are ways we can support our child to notice this ‘internal bully’, but first we should try to actively listen to them…

2. Open the doors to a conversation

"Share your thoughts… without the expectation that they need to talk."

Big feelings like loneliness, disappointment, confusion and sadness can follow a rejection, and might leave your child reluctant to open up to you. If you observe any changes in your child, Danielle advises “gently sharing” that you’ve noticed, for example, they’re not spending time with friends or they’re making excuses to avoid sports training: “Share your thoughts… without the expectation that they need to talk… For some children it can take time to have difficult conversations, but by noticing we can offer reassurance that we recognise their difficulties and will be there to offer support.”

3 tips for helping children understand emotions

3. Take a breath and practise 'active listening'

Danielle says that when our child has been socially rejected and someone has upset them “our own emotions can fuel us into action”.

Instead of reacting, she advises: “Stay calm, slow down and take a breath. We need to take time to listen, inviting a conversation rather than offering our own thoughts and judgements.”

In other words, you might need to bite your tongue a little bit about what you really think about the person or situation that has led to your child’s rejection! Try actively listening without trying to ‘fix’ things just yet.

4. Once you've listened, validate their feelings

It’s normal as parents to want to offer comfort and reassurance, but sometimes we can also downplay what’s happened (‘It’s not that big a deal’, ‘It’ll be fine.’).

What may seem trivial to us can feel like a big deal to our child. Danielle suggests you reflect back what you’re hearing, and connect with their emotional experience by responding: ‘I bet that didn't feel good.’ ‘I’m sorry that happened.’

Be curious too – it shows you want to understand and validate how your child feels. Danielle says “This can support children to normalise their difficult feelings, and build the resources and resilience to tolerate future rejection.”

5. Respond appropriately to the different types of rejection

Social rejection

If a child is rejected by their peers or people close to them, they can often take it to heart and think they've been rejected because they're the problem themselves.

Danielle says: “It can be difficult for children to understand the experience of being rejected by others (in person or online). It can become internalised, leading to anxieties that it means there’s something fundamentally wrong with them.”

Support your child to consider things from the others’ perspective. What might have been going on for them? “This can support your child to challenge the inner critical dialogue that roots the difficulties in their own perceived flaws and shortcomings.” Looking at things from the other person’s point of view is also a building block of empathy.

Some children experience difficulties coping with rejection because they are neurodivergent. This can be related to for instance: ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) like Leo from CBBC’s Our School. Talking to your child's school SENCO or a GP may be a first step if you suspect this is a cause of your child's distress.

Academic rejection

Danielle: “As parents we want our children to succeed, and we need to be mindful about how we respond to setbacks. Take time to understand your child's difficulties rather than being critical or making comparison with their peers. Encourage your child to remain focused on their efforts and progress rather than becoming bogged down by the pressure to achieve the perfect grade.”

For younger children, it may be that the pressure of SATs or understanding a subject that is worrying them. Older children may be sitting GCSE's or Nationals and for them Danielle says you can offer reassurances like ‘I can see you worked really hard and feel upset about not being offered a college or apprenticeship place, it’s ok to feel that way.’ It’s also important to help your child set realistic goals and expectations in the first place, which “provides your child with the opportunity to experience success”. But sometimes adults don't realise the pressure they are putting on their child academically with seemingly reassuring comments. These two articles delve into this in more detail:

What not to say to your kids during exam season.

Things not to say to your child on Results Day.

Rejection from sports and activities

Teenage girls look disappointed after football match, adjust shin pads and reflect on game.

Danielle explains: “Being dropped from a sports team or extracurricular activities involves loss: the loss of social connection, the community fostered from being the member of a team, their sense of identity, and can lead to a child grappling with self doubt about their abilities. We need to understand the losses experienced by our child, offer empathy, and thoughtfully encourage them to identify new opportunities.”

Rejection can erode self-esteem, and make children feel anxious about leaving themselves open to further rejection or criticism from others. Danielle suggests you acknowledge these anxieties, and support your child to identify the value they experience from being involved in extracurricular activities, encouraging them to take on new challenges when they feel ready.

"[Rejection] can become internalised, leading to anxieties that it means there’s something fundamentally wrong with them."

6. Catch that negative self-talk if you hear it

Remember we talked about the ‘internal bully’? When your child shares an anxious thought like ‘I’m a failure’ Danielle suggests you encourage them to reframe this to ‘I’m noticing I’m having the thought I’m a failure’. This allows them to step back from the thought and gives them space to explore the reasons why they don’t have to believe everything the internal bully tells them.

7. Accept that rejection is an inevitable part of life – and help them build resilience

"It’s an important developmental experience to face difficulties with support from others.”

A father having a serious conversation with his son

Danielle says: “Rejection provides an opportunity to build empathy, self-reliance and critical-thinking skills.” Work together with your child to help them understand their big feelings, make sense of the experience of being rejected, to notice and challenge the inner critic, and to problem solve: “This can build self-confidence and self-esteem, and support your child to identify ways to move forward and respond to future rejection.”

"Growing and supporting children's emotional resilience is facilitated through relationships that support a child to develop independence and self-help skills, learning to identify, express and manage their own feelings, and opportunities to build confidence through challenge… It’s an important developmental experience to face difficulties with support from others.”