The reason this mom reads her daughter’s diary — and why people praise her for it

A mom says reading her daughter’s diary — with her approval — makes them closer than ever.

Kristin Hallett, a mom in Calgary in Alberta, Canada, keeps a tradition with her 6-year-old daughter: They share a diary full of confessions and deep feelings that are tricky to say aloud, slipping the journal under each other’s pillows to read and respond.

The mother and daughter never discuss the entries out loud, building a quiet trust in the pages.

On Instagram, Hallett recommended a communal diary as “the most brilliant way to fuse a bond with your daughter.”

Instagram comments showed love.

• “My mom did this with me and my sister when we were preteens. She passed away when I was 27 and I found the journals in her things and it has been the most transformative experience going through them.”

• “I’m a retired Kindergarten teacher but I used to tell my students’ parents to start writing in a journal to tuck under their pillow. It would help their child learn to write and read for a purpose. I would then mention that if you make this a habit early, your child could use it during teenage years to ‘discuss’ tough issues.”

• “Love this!!! The type of nurturing, listening, and acceptance I longed for from my mother. A great reason to overcome my resistance to writing in a journal too. Will do this for all my children!”

• “This is so beautiful. I’m crying and will definitely be utilising this tool with my daughter when she’s old enough.”

• “My daughter is 28 now and we have a great relationship but this would have been so great during those rough preteen (and) teen years.”

Hallett, a writer and speaker who specializes in grief, tells TODAY.com that last year, she was inspired by another mom-and-daughter pair who had “exquisite” communication skills, thanks to a joint diary. “There is a level of autonomy and sovereignty in whatever (she) writes, which is magical,” says Hallett.

The mom often writes phonetically to make sure her messages are clear. Writing also helps Hallett compose calm and organized responses. Hallett says journaling is also a repair technique when trust breaks between kids and parents.

Because Hallett’s daughter is 6, her entries are sporadic and simplistic but Hallett figures it’s good practice for the teenage years. She hopes to start the same tradition with her 5-year-old daughter.

“I feel so lucky because I’ll get pictures and ‘I love you’ messages,” says Hallett. “We’re getting into the routine and (creating) a safe space for now.”

Hallett says journaling is beneficial for girls and boys who don’t open up easily and for siblings with different communication styles, pointing out, “My youngest daughter tells me everything and my eldest doesn’t at all — she internalizes more.”

According to Francyne Zeltser, the clinical director of mental health and testing services at Manhattan Psychology Group, journaling together is “a great tool for communication,” especially when kids and parents create a signal that alerts for new entries that need attention.

“What I particularly like is that the diary provides a platform for the parent and child to exchange information in a safe and secure way,” Zeltser tells TODAY.com. “It allows the child to communicate directly with the parent without the fear of a negative reaction and allows the parent to consume the information and react privately, as sometimes it’s hard to hide or modify a reaction in the moment.”

Zeltser adds, “Additionally, the parent can then plan how to respond directly, by either approaching the child or indirectly, by writing back.”

A suggestion for parents, according to Zeltser:

“I would build in a rule that outlines a contingency of how an actual conversation can be initiated and held,” she says. “Therefore if or when a topic comes up that requires an actual conversation, both parties know how to initiate the follow-up conversation in a safe, validating and acceptable way.”

Hallett admits it can be “hard” to contain some conversations to the written word.

“Generally, from my understanding, ‘The bigger the kid, the bigger the problems,’” she notes. “I’m setting the foundation for when my kids are teenagers.”

This article was originally published on TODAY.com