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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 5, 2015
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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Over a million copies sold! “An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent—and long-lasting—marriage.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.
Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.
Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.
- Print length320 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarmony
- Publication dateMay 5, 2015
- Dimensions5.14 x 0.69 x 7.98 inches
- ISBN-109780553447712
- ISBN-13978-0553447712
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A research-backed guide providing seven principles and strategies to resolve conflicts, build intimacy, and strengthen marriages for long-lasting harmony.Popular highlight
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.11,854 Kindle readers highlighted thisPopular highlight
Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”11,850 Kindle readers highlighted thisPopular highlight
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.11,175 Kindle readers highlighted thisPopular highlight
Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.9,606 Kindle readers highlighted thisPopular highlight
The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.9,163 Kindle readers highlighted this
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Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage | The Man’s Guide to Women | The Relationship Cure | And Baby Makes Three | |
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Vital tools—scientifically based and empirically verified—that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication. | Unlocks the mystery of how to attract, satisfy, and succeed with a woman for a lifetime. For the first time ever, there is a science-based answer to the age-old question: What do women really want in a man? | A powerful, simple five-step program, based on twenty years of innovative research, for greatly improving all of the relationships in your life—with spouses and lovers, children, siblings, and even your colleagues at work. | Helps new parents positively manage the strain that comes along with their bundle of joy. |
Editorial Reviews
Review
-- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
-- Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way
"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic."
-- Newsweek
"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today
"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer
"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World
"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com
About the Author
JOHN GOTTMAN, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, is emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington; executive director of his laboratory, the Relationship Research Institute; and cofounder of the Gottman Institute. He held an NIMH research scientist career award for twenty years. Dr. Gottman is the author of more than two hundred professional journal articles and forty-two books, as well as the recipient of numerous prestigious awards for his extensive contributions to marriage and family research.
NAN SILVER is a former editor in chief of Health magazine and coauthor, with Dr. Gottman, of What Makes Love Last: and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
It's a surprisingly cloudless Seattle morning as newlyweds Mark and Janice Gordon sit down to breakfast. Outside the apartment's picture window, the waters of Montlake cut a deep-blue swath, while runners jog and geese waddle along the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are enjoying the view as they munch on their French toast and share the Sunday paper. Later Mark will probably switch on the football game while Janice chats over the phone with her mom in St. Louis.
All seems ordinary enough inside this studio apartment--until you notice the three video cameras bolted to the wall, the microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark's and Janice's collars, and the Holter monitors strapped around their chests. Mark and Janice's lovely studio with a view is really not their apartment at all. It's a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle, where for sixteen years I have spearheaded the most extensive and innovative research ever into marriage and divorce.
As part of one of these studies, Mark and Janice (as well as forty-nine other randomly selected couples) volunteered to stay overnight in our fabricated apartment, affectionately known as the Love Lab. Their instructions were to act as naturally as possible, despite my team of scientists observing them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, the cameras recording their every word and facial expression, and the sensors tracking bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound. (To preserve basic privacy, the couples were monitored only from nine a.m. to nine p.m. and never while in the bathroom.) The apartment comes equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, TV, VCR, and CD player. Couples were told to bring their groceries, their newspapers, their laptops, needlepoint, hand weights, even their pets--whatever they would need to experience a typical weekend.
My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage--to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad--or rescue one that already has?
Predicting Divorce with 91 Percent Accuracy
After years of research I can finally answer these questions. In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interact in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes! My accuracy rate in these predictions averages 91 percent over three separate studies. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I have predicted that a couple's marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right. These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage "should" be, but on the data I've accumulated over years of study.
At first you might be tempted to shrug off my research results as just another in a long line of newfangled theories. It's certainly easy to be cynical when someone tells you they've figured out what really makes marriages last and can show you how to rescue or divorce-proof your own. Plenty of people consider themselves to be experts on marriage--and are more than happy to give you their opinion of how to form a more perfect union.
But that's the key word--opinion. Before the breakthroughs my research provided, point of view was pretty much all that anyone trying to help couples had to go on. And that includes just about every qualified, talented, and well-trained marriage counselor out there. Usually a responsible therapist's approach to helping couples is based on his or her professional training and experience, intuition, family history, perhaps even religious conviction. But the one thing it's not based on is hard scientific evidence. Because until now there really hasn't been any rigorous scientific data about why some marriages succeed and others flop.
For all of the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up.
Emotionally Intelligent Marriages
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.
I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.
Recently, emotional intelligence has become widely recognized as an important predictor of a child's success later in life. The more in touch with emotions and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child's future, whatever his or her academic IQ. The same is true for relationships between spouses. The more emotionally intelligent a couple--the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage--the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after. Just as parents can teach their children emotional intelligence, this is also a skill that a couple can be taught. As simple as it sounds, it can keep husband and wife on the positive side of the divorce odds.
Why Save Your Marriage?
Speaking of those odds, the divorce statistics remain dire. The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples--including those who are currently satisfied with their relationship--to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong.
Product details
- ASIN : 0553447718
- Publisher : Harmony; Revised ed. edition (May 5, 2015)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 320 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9780553447712
- ISBN-13 : 978-0553447712
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.14 x 0.69 x 7.98 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #602 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in Conflict Management
- #3 in Love & Romance (Books)
- #3 in Marriage
- Customer Reviews:
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About the authors
John Gottman, Ph.D., is world-renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. Dr. Gottman is also in private practice in Seattle and sees couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he is founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon’s review concluded: “Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine.” Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don’t).
Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read author blogs and more
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Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book entertaining and useful with many good exercises and examples. They also say it's a great book for couples in relationships of any strength, helping them identify areas in their personality to work on. Readers describe the book as an easy read with many exercises that take up the bulk of the first half. They say the ideas are presented in an accessible but not dumbed-down way.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book's instructions insightful, practical, and helpful for marriage. They also say it helps with communication and understanding.
"...Gottman’s book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is an insightful and invaluable guide that provides a beacon of hope and practical advice..." Read more
"...I love all of the topics it covers, it really helped keep my attention...." Read more
"...It not only explains but also offers supportive data, this is not a book of opinion but book of correlations through experimentation...." Read more
"...Great tool to use before and during! Has helped with communication and understanding!" Read more
Customers find the book great for couples in relationships of any strength. They appreciate the sections that include suggested conversation starters. They say it's a great way to re-wire their brains and helps them identify areas in their personality that they need to work on. Readers also appreciate the compassionate approach and actionable advice. They love the structure and applications.
"...Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone..." Read more
"It provides great examples and activities for couplesA bit long at times, with many examples and anecdotes sometimes similar to each other." Read more
"Great book for marriage and relationships desiring marriage. Great tool to use before and during! Has helped with communication and understanding!" Read more
"...I love the structure and the applications that are so easy to use. 10/10 would recommend for any couple as these are tools to use forever!" Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and understand. They also say the research is simple and non-technical, with specific steps and examples. Readers also say it's a well-structured tool with a good foundation.
"...the book is supported by real-life examples and exercises, making it accessible and relatable...." Read more
"...It’s a well thought out book that will help change things in your marriage if you really try to understand what the author is talking about...." Read more
"...I love the structure and the applications that are so easy to use. 10/10 would recommend for any couple as these are tools to use forever!" Read more
"...Well written. Highly recommended." Read more
Customers find the book entertaining and fun to do with their partner. They say it has a whole section on activities to help them learn about their spouse. Readers also say there are tools and exercises for all couples, and lots of examples and information to assist them.
"...It has helped me see things from different perspectives. I love all of the topics it covers, it really helped keep my attention...." Read more
"...It is practical, has exercises to do, and deepens knowledge of your mate. It is an excellent resource...." Read more
"...But it was still fascinating on many levels, and a good enhancement for the class...." Read more
"...It's an easy read with many good exercises to help you cultivate a successful marriage...." Read more
Customers find the book very helpful for discussing and resolving marital conflicts. They also appreciate the empathetic approach, teachings on forgiveness and communication, and conflict management. Readers also say the book is the holy bible of marriage counseling, capable of starting the healing process.
"...Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone..." Read more
"...the bad habits, relationship-building skills, and conflict -resolution skills are universal...." Read more
"...We both feel lighter & happier & way more positive about our marriage and the future...." Read more
"...It teaches anyone how to overcome their differences and gives great exercises on how to enhance those skills...." Read more
Customers find the book's focus helpful and eye opening. They also say it keeps them intentionally focused on their marriage.
"I honestly love this book. It has helped me see things from different perspectives...." Read more
"I loved this book because it not only makes you focus inward, but truly get to the root cause of issues...." Read more
"So I think every couple should read this book. It really opens your eyes...." Read more
"...There’s a lot of focus on the brain and the study approach is scientifically based..." Read more
Customers find the application of the book difficult to put into practice. They also say the information is great, but time-consuming. Readers also mention that the book has a slow start.
"...But for the rest of it, I found it to be way too time consuming, and actually found "The 5 Love Languages" to be a much more helpful book..." Read more
"...Again: useful points, at moments irritating execution." Read more
"...Probably my only complaint would be that it's hard to do the exercises at the end of every chapter when you read it on audiobook... But that can be..." Read more
"...Unfortunately, it’s really hard to follow when reading...." Read more
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This book delves deep into the core principles that foster strong and lasting relationships. Dr. Gottman draws upon his extensive research and clinical experience to outline actionable strategies, allowing readers to understand the dynamics within their relationship and cultivate a deeper connection with their partner.
What sets this book apart is its empathetic approach. Dr. Gottman addresses common relationship pitfalls with sensitivity, offering guidance without judgment. His emphasis on communication, emotional intelligence, and understanding the dynamics of conflict resolution provides a roadmap for couples seeking to improve their relationship dynamics.
Each principle outlined in the book is supported by real-life examples and exercises, making it accessible and relatable. The practical nature of the advice allows couples to implement these principles in their daily lives, fostering a more profound sense of understanding and intimacy.
Moreover, the book doesn’t just focus on problem-solving; it also highlights the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a foundation of trust and respect. Dr. Gottman’s emphasis on celebrating love and cherishing the bond between partners resonates throughout the book, inspiring hope and motivation for couples facing challenges.
One of the most compelling aspects of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is its universal applicability. Regardless of the stage of your relationship, whether you’re newlyweds or have been together for years, the wisdom imparted in this book offers something valuable for everyone.
In conclusion, this book is a treasure trove of wisdom and guidance for couples seeking to strengthen their relationship. Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone invested in cultivating a thriving and enduring partnership.
A bit long at times, with many examples and anecdotes sometimes similar to each other.
Sadly, then I read the chapter on "why couples don't make it." Shoot...they mostly apply to us. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we've let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We've been married for over 2 decades and it's hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We're both that miserable.
The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: literally, the author and all professionals who apply these principles can predict whether or not a couple will be able to resolve their conflicts successfully or not within a very short period of time based on how they treat each other. Certainly, the marriages that can seem destined to failed can be turned around if both spouses embrace the process and are willing to work on THEMSELVES and not so much try to "fix" their spouses. So clearly explained, all problems (and ALL marriages encounter problems...you newlyweds are kidding yourselves if you don't believe this) can be divided into the Solvable and Unsolvable.
Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn't have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can't be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can't abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a "mixed marriage" such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families' and friends' condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions--together or separately--and doing the same for children.
Even couples who can't agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow.
It's all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse's demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That's not a peaceful existence.
Right now, I'm not sanguine that it'll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol' college try. I'll keep you posted.
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