It's September and I'm...

Sporting #TealToesForMarti ~ September is ovarian cancer awareness month, so we paint our toes teal in support of that cause, and also to remember my mom's fight against it. It's hard to believe it's been almost three years since her passing. I miss her every day.

Packing and purging and organizing for our upcoming move.

Planning what to do with our turtles at the new house.

Shopping online for new light fixtures, blinds, pull-out garbage cans, a sunflower doorbell cover...

Taking a chance with a whole new color scheme for the new house.

Dreaming of the great big mandala I plan to paint on a wall in my new yoga/craft space.

Reading anatomy books for yoga teacher training.

Practicing yoga more in my mind than on my mat. That's better than not at all, you know?

Breathing super deep and slow on a regular basis.

Preparing for my next yoga/mandala workshop scheduled for October 10th.

Looking forward to having the remodeling process behind us and settling into our new home.

Taking a week off from work to move at the end of this month. :o)

Asking you to join in support of ovarian cancer awareness this month by painting your toes teal. If you do that, and if you post a photo, please use the hashtag #tealtoesformarti so we can appreciate you.

I hope whatever you're doing in September turns out awesome for you!

♥

It's easy to remember

Today is the 73rd anniversary of my mom's birth.

♥

It's easy to think of the things we assume she's missing out on: new grandbabies and our ongoing accomplishments that she would have loved being a part of. But it's getting easier to imagine that she's still very much a part of things. I believe she's just enjoying things from a different vantage point.

It's easy to remember how much Mom loved her birthday! It's easy to remember how she loved everyone else's birthday too - making a fuss over the birthday girl/boy, baking cakes for her friend's birthday lunches, finding the perfect card and underlining words that she wanted you to know she really, really meant.

It's easy to look around and see her legacy - children, grands, and even great-grands now. It's easy to remember the love she had for us - she shared it willingly and unselfishly. We always knew we were loved!

It's easy to remember how she would rub her cheek after we'd plant a kiss there - rubbing it in so it would get to her heart just a little faster. How, when she was a little annoyed, all of her sentences began with, "Well! ..." And it's easy to remember little things about her that make us smile, sometimes shake our heads and mumble, "Oh, Mother."

It's hard to remember my mom's fight with cancer, but it's easy to remember how much she loved life. I miss my mom more than words can say, but I am also grateful beyond words for everything she stood for and the way she instilled those values in us.

So today we look to Heaven and thank our lucky stars for my mom, Marti. We'll wish her a happy birthday from maybe-not-as-far-away-as-we-imagine.

There's a party on Cloud 9 today - they're serving margaritas.

♥

Remembering my mom on October 9th.

Can you believe that today is the two-year anniversary of my mom's passing?

♥

The other night I had a sleepless night. I tossed and turned when the lights went out, trying to find a comfortable position but my mind was too busy to allow for that. Thoughts of my mom's passing swirled round and round. In my mind I replayed the five days leading up to her passing. I replayed our conversations, the medications administered, the cassette tape of old church hymns that my stepdad played during her final night - hauntingly familiar from my childhood and a bit unsettling to me, but hopefully of comfort to my mom. God, that was a long night.

I remembered the things we laughed about, the moments that brought tears, the horror of seeing her suffer, the smoke alarm in the hallway screaming just seconds after she passed, calling Doug to say she was gone, choosing flowers for her casket, stitching teal cancer ribbons to wear, writing a speech to give at her services, and feeling so lost and confused for how to proceed with my life without her on the planet to have my back.

I know that in time those memories will not sting so much. I know that I will never forget the details of her passing, but in the past two years since she's been gone I've been able to put into perspective the short amount of time that encompassed her illness and passing. The good times and happy memories far outweigh the painful ones!

For my readers who have been around for a while, you might remember that my mom commented on almost every single post I published. This blog has been such a blessing to me in so many ways, and with my mom's passing I've discovered a new one. The gift of my mom's time and her thoughtful comments continue to bless me anytime I poke around and read old blog posts. And how ironic that there were times when I felt a little embarrassed about her sappy sweet comments (oh, mother...) yet now I read them over and over and hang onto every word.

So today, two years after her passing, I'm paying tribute to her participation in blogland by sharing a few of her comments here in this post. She loved reading my blog, loved reading the comments of my generous blog friends, and loved the opportunity to add her two-cents worth.

And the very last comment she left on my blog, a few days before her passing:



Thanks for loving my blog so much, Mom,

and thanks for the sweet comments you always left for me.

I miss you more than I ever could have imagined I would.

♥

Team Teal Tuesday ~ What's in a name?

My mom disliked the name given to her at birth so much

that she  had it legally changed from Martha to Marti.

♥

When my mom was born, her parents thoughtfully named her Martha Ruth after both of her grandmothers. Martha was the name of her paternal grandmother, and Ruth was her maternal. I would say that for this reason alone her name should have felt sacred to her - those are strong, traditional, and beautiful names. But I suppose I might feel the same way given the fact that my two grandmothers are/were named Gertrude and Bessie. :o|

In a way I feel sad for my mom – sad that she felt like her name didn’t suit her, that maybe it didn’t sound young enough or hip enough at that time in her life. I don’t really know. All I know is that once my dad was gone for good, everyone started calling her Marti.

In high school she had been known as Marti - "Marti-with-an-i” - so I guess reverting back to that nickname helped her to reconnect with who she had been before - back before she was a young single mother with a whole lot of responsibilities to deal with. Back when she hadn’t had a care in the world and she was happy. Back when she was Marti-with-an-i.

As a young girl in school I wasn’t all that crazy about my name either. There were always two or three Debbie’s in every class, so I always had to be Debbie N. Always with the N. And I didn’t like Deborah back then because that name was only used if I was in trouble. Albeit rare. Cough. I was almost named Vickie. Can you imagine me as Vickie?

My sweet girl was named after her paternal-great-great-grandmother, Carrie, and her paternal grandmother, Rosalind. She has always loved her name and that makes me oh-so-happy.

So I wonder, do you like your given name? Is there a story behind your name or was it one that your parents just liked? Have you ever known someone who went so far as to have their given name legally changed?

I think in Heaven my mom is known as Marti.
Marti with an i.
♥

An important message for September, and teal toes for Marti

My mom lost her battle with ovarian cancer in October 2012.

♥

September is ovarian cancer awareness month, and while I don't plan to make that the focus on my blog for this entire month, I do feel a sense of obligation to at least mention it on this, the first day of September.

#tealtoesforMarti

While Carrie and I were visiting our family in California this past weekend, we set aside some time to have pedicures. In honor of my mom, the nail polish we chose was teal, the color representing ovarian cancer.

Please take a few minutes to educate yourself about ovarian cancer and its symptoms. And if you are so inclined, we'd love to have you join us in remembering our mom/grandmother, Marti, with teal toes in September.

You can read more about my mom here.

Please use hashtag #TealToesForMarti on Instagram so we can appreciate you.

♥

Simply a Team Teal Moment

I am in my birthday glory, riding in Carrie's backseat as she drives us to the restaurant where we will celebrate with a nice dinner. She and Doug chat away in the front seat as I happily open my birthday cards and packages in the back.

I have a package to open from a dear friend of my mom’s. Actually, now that my mom’s journey is done, I proudly call Judi my friend. She is a beloved soul and a sweet connection to my mom – something I am oh so grateful for. I tear open the padded envelope with excited anticipation and I pause for a moment to appreciate her pretty wrapping – beautiful pink tissue paper with a bright orange ribbon tied in a generous bow.

"Oooh! Look how pretty!” I say, holding it up for Doug and Carrie to see. Doug admires it in the way a boy admires things like that, but Carrie sternly reminds me that she can’t look right now.

I untie the orange ribbon and pull the pink tissue paper back to reveal an adorable apron. “Oh I love it!” I squeal as I lift it up, allowing the fabric to unfold and reveal the apron front. And then my eye catches a sweet little extra in the apron pocket – a handwritten recipe card tucked there, just like my mom always did when she gifted an apron – with a favorite recipe from Judi.

In this moment my mom is right here with me – a memory tucked inside an apron pocket from a thoughtful friend. Gosh, I love my birthday and the gifts of this wonderful life.

♥

As I link up with Alexa today for her monthly “Simply a Moment” meme, I’d like to express my gratitude to her. After a two-year run, this is the final installment for “Simply a Moment.” Thank you, Alexa, for hosting us and encouraging us to stop and notice our special moments. It’s been my pleasure to join you!

PS: I made the recipe that was written on Judi’s card, and I’ll be sharing that on my blog tomorrow.

A Quilt Square for my friend Deb

It's time for another Friendship Quilt update.

:o) ♥

I'm participating in Fiona's Friendship Quilt Project, and each month we create a quilt square to send to that month's designated recipient. May belongs to Deb{s14}.

I knew I wanted to create a strawberry quilt square at some point during this exchange, and when I saw that my friend Deb had requested the colors pink and green I knew she'd be the one to receive it.

My mom loved strawberries {her kitchen was decorated with them}, and Deb was a sweet member of Team Teal, so it felt even more right that she would receive this square. And! The best part? All of these fabrics came out of my mom's scraps!

I created strawberry and leaf shapes and traced around them on the back of fabric after I'd ironed on some fusible webbing. Here's a little tip if you use this fusible stuff - it's tough to peel from the edges without fraying your fabric a little, so I take a straight pin and scratch the surface in the center. That makes a nice little cut that you can work your fingers into and peel off from the center of the shape.

And speaking of fraying, I also use this handy stuff called Fray Check on the edges of my squares that I will be handling more than normal. I knew I wanted to do a little hand stitching on this piece, and I didn't want the edges to look frayed and tattered, so I added a little Fray Check to the sides to keep them neat and tidy. This stuff is also great for the ends of ribbons that tend to unravel.

I loved making this quilt square for Deb, and I know my mom would be so very pleased that I was able to use her fabrics to make it.

♥
{You can see other quilt squares I've made for this exchange by clicking here.}

Marti's Birthday ~ Team Teal Tuesday

 

I was trying to decide on a photo for today's post and I texted this one to Carrie. I had another one in mind, but she thought I should use this one because, "Grandma was so happy that morning." And that decided it. We had celebrated Mom's 70th birthday at a party the night before, but on this morning, we met for breakfast before heading back to Arizona. This was taken on Mom's birthday, two years ago today.

♥
Things I miss the most about my mom:

I miss the way my mom underlined words on greeting cards to emphasize their meaning. She never chose a card without the words saying exactly what she wanted them to say, and then she’d underline the words that meant the most to her. And many times she’d add exclamation marks on them too. !!! And always "xoxox" at the end.

I miss the way she called me her “May-bee” in my birthday card every year.

I miss being able to call her when I have cooking questions. Which is kind of silly because at this point in my life I kind of have the cooking gig down pat - plus there's Google - but it was nice to know I could call her if I needed to.

I miss making stuff for her! My mom was the biggest fan ever when it came to things handmade by me. I really miss having her around to create for.

I miss being able to mail stuff to my mom – cards, letters, her birthday or Mother’s Day package. I miss the phone call when she received it, telling me how much she loved what I had sent.

I miss the way I’d say, “Hi MomMEE” when she answered the phone, and the way she’d respond with “Hi DebBEE” every time I called. Doug says the tone of my voice would change when I talked to my mom on the phone.

I miss her telling me every detail about the conversation she had with the person sitting next to her on the plane once we’d retrieved her from the airport. No wait, I don’t really miss that part – but I do miss picking her up at the airport! ;o)

I miss taking her to her favorite Mexican restaurant every time she came to Arizona. {We're going there for dinner tonight.}

I miss free Avon products like my favorite eye-liner and Carrie's mascara.

I miss her calling to tell me the latest gossip from our hometown. She’d always start with, “Do you remember so-and-so?” and I'd say, “No, Mom, I don’t” and she’d say, “Oh, don’t you remember? She had the brother that was Tim’s age? They lived in that house at the end of the road where the Smith’s lived…” and I’d say, “No, Mom, I don’t remember,” and she’d say, “Well…” and tell me the gossip anyway.

I miss her feeling sorry for me when I’m sick, and having her tell me to gargle with salt water when I have a sore throat. I always said, “I know, Mom, I will…” and I never rarely did.

I miss my mom’s comments on my blog posts. So many times she’d leave these sweet and sappy comments and I’d cringe a little with embarrassment. Oh, mother… And now, sometimes, I go back and read old blog posts just so I can read my mom’s sweet comment. I miss having my mom read my blog.

I miss her quick wit, her honest opinions, her animated facial expressions, and her pumpkin bread at Christmas. Oh, this list could go on and on and on...

Today I thank Heaven for the path we walked together in this lifetime.
Happy heavenly birthday, Mom!
I love you and miss you so much!!!
♥

"Be still, close your eyes and breathe.

Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."
~ "The Two of Us," Sheila Hancock

From my mom's kitchen

For as long as I can remember, my mom used these blue Pyrex bowls. She measured and mixed in them, stirred in them, and served meals in them. The fact that they survived two teenaged girls taking turns washing dishes, many house moves, and then a recent journey to Arizona is something just short of a miracle. 

 

And I hadn't noticed until I uploaded these photos that the smaller bowl appears to be stained. My mother would either be mortified, or she'd blame it on the fact that two teenaged girls were responsible for washing them. Or maybe both. ;o)

 

I brought these home with me last year and have yet to actually use them. It seems silly that I'm afraid to use them for fear of breaking them, as I suppose they are rather indestructible given their history.

Gosh, I love these bowls - love the color and the history they hold. And now that they belong to me, I have this crazy notion to redecorate our next kitchen around this color scheme.* Funny they happen to be light teal...

♥

* Don't worry, Doug, I won't.

My Uncle Wes is My Guest Blogger Today ♥

When my mom's brother, Wes, spoke at her funeral services last year, he told the sweetest stories of her. I asked if he'd mind writing a blog post for me so that I could share those stories with my readers in a little different approach to Team Teal Tuesday. I know it wasn't easy for him to write, but I think he did a great job.

So, without further adieu, please welcome my awesome uncle, Wes.

♥ ♥ ♥

Marti {age 17}, Wes {15}, Kathy {8}, Grandpa, Sue {10} Grandma, Ken {12}

Christmas Day, 1959

♥

I have a lot of images from my early years - not quite refined enough to be memories. A constant in those images is Marti; I sense her presence over me in a nurturing way. As the memories become more definite, so does the nurturing. As the third born to her second born, I guess her desire to care for her little brother was very strong.

 

I can remember her anguish when I stepped on a nail; I can remember walking to the store, hand in hand, down a sidewalk in Tolleson, Arizona. My strongest memory of her early nurturing comes from my first day of school.  I'm not sure why that event is so clear, but I know she took me to my first classroom and checked on me several times during the day. I think she stayed close that first week. I can recall her happiness when I had made my first friend - that probably relieved her of some responsibility.

 

Our early years were close with Marti being the boss-er and me the boss-ee.  I think these respective roles continued until the day we each realized she was no longer looking down at me nor me looking up at her. I shot up in height and she shot up in maturity and we started growing apart. Besides, I now had a younger brother in drastic need of being picked on. By the time Marti reached her teenage years, our relationship had resolved into one of her telling me to leave her alone and me not being able to do that.

And then overnight it seems Marti was interested in boys other than her brothers. I was still at the "kissing girls is yucky" stage and just couldn't grasp her fascination with guys that I thought were universally wimpy. But this relationship of ours which had deteriorated to "stay out of my face" status, was about to turn a corner that would present a windfall of sorts for me: Marti was ready to approach Mom and  Dad about going out on a date with a boy.

I can remember Marti's emotional high when she asked for and was granted permission to date.  I have fonder memories of the dive her spirits took when she was told I had to go along on the date.  Quite honestly, at first I wasn't thrilled.  But then I realized I would have more opportunities to go to town and see movies. An added bonus was Marti was suddenly very, very nice to me. I think she realized I could jam up the works by telling Mom and Dad I didn't want to go.  At any rate, when the first date finally arrived, I think I was excited about it. 

Los Banos, Calfornia only had one movie theater, The Crest, and it was about the only thing couples could do on dates. Or so I thought. After a very short while of dating, a routine was established:  Marti and her date would drop me at The Crest while they went to "find a place to park." Without fail she would tell me, "Meet you in the lobby after the show." As this went on I felt that I was walking in tall cotton; life was great. On our post-date drives home, Marti would talk about the movie. For years I didn't realize that she really didn't talk about the movie - she was just getting enough information from me to cover her absence if anyone asked.

Of course we all know how this phase of our lives ended: she found the guy she wanted to spend her life with and I discovered that kissing girls was definitely not yucky. 

In the following years I had opportunities to play big brother to her as the little sister in need.  But life eventually took us in different directions and we didn't have the closeness that was so important to both of us in our early years. The accident of our birth order resulted in a special relationship that, in spite of my love for my other siblings, could never be duplicated.

As her last days approached, I would like to think I was able to repay a very small part of that nurturing she provided me; nurturing that turned out to be so critical to me becoming the person I am today.

You often hear people say, when talking about the lives they've lived, that they have no regrets.  I am of the belief that a life without regrets is a life not lived. To my last day I will have in my stack of regrets the knowledge that I could have been, should have been closer to my sister; I think she had me in her stack.

♥

Where is Heaven?

Last year, on the day that my mom died, Carrie and I ended up back at my sister’s house for the night, and my nephew Stone, who was four at the time, had some serious questions about his grandmother.

 

“Where IS Grandma Marti?” he wanted to know.

 

Yikes! In that moment he might as well have asked me where babies come from! I wasn’t sure what to say - what my sister would want me to say - and before I could think too long I blurted out, “She’s in heaven.”

 

“Where is heaven?” he persisted, and I pointed up toward the ceiling.

 

Stone looked confused. “Up on da woof?” he asked.

 

Oh my sweetness. “No, Stoney,” I told him. “Heaven is way way up in the sky.”

 

“Up past the planes and helicoptews and wocket ships?” he asked.

 

“Yes, sweetheart, way up high.” He looked sad but satisfied with my answers.

Over the past year since my mom has been gone, Stone will often look to the sky at night and find the brightest star. He’ll claim it as "Grandma Marti’s star," and many times he’ll say hello or shout “I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!” as he looks upward.

 

Recently, as he sat under the stars with his mother he looked skyward and said, “Hi Grandma. You look beautiful tonight.”

 

My sister asked, “Do you remember what Grandma looks like?”

 

Stone was quick to reply, “Blonde hair, black shirt, black pants, white shoes, peach arms…”

 

My sister texted me to tell me about their recent conversation and before I could text her back she said what I was thinking, “Mom would never wear white shoes with black pants!”

 

Gosh, we miss her something terrible, but these little conversations, the little ways we remember her, are just so precious. I love the sweet and innocent way that Stone remembers his grandmother. She would love to know that he sees her in the stars...

 

...way up past the planes and helicoptews and wocket ships.

♥

This Past Year

Well, friends, here we are on the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm not going to publish a long and emotional blog post about the sadness of losing my mom. I'm not going to tell you how wonderful she was and how very much she is missed. I'm pretty sure that you've gathered all of that from my Team Teal Tuesday posts over this past year.

A personal blog affords its owner with a space to share stories, and I've certainly done my share of that. In the beginning, before my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she loved this blog of mine. I know that my daily posts helped her to feel more connected while we lived in different states. I love that she got to know my blog friends through comments, and sometimes I'd send her a link to a friend's blog if I thought she'd be particularly interested in the subject matter of their recent post. She tried her best to figure out how to leave comments when she did visit.

After my mom was diagnosed with cancer and she began her battle, my blog posts took a turn and I started sharing more personal information here. I was leery at first, but the love and support that flowed into our lives was an unexpected blessing.

In February 2012, my mom wrote a letter to Team Teal and I published it here on my blog. I used a photo I had taken of her without her wig. Her hair had started growing back and she wasn't as self-conscious, plus I was there visiting for the weekend and that always made her happy. You can see it in her eyes.

In her letter to Team Teal, Mom said, "I also want you all to know how I appreciate all you do for Deb. Your encouraging comments on her blog along with e-mails and happy mail help keep her spirits high which helps her be even more of an encouragement to me. IF things should “go south” I know you’ll all be there to help her through."

I choke up every time I read her words. I'm emotional and grateful that she was right. In my wildest dreams I can't imagine how I might have coped with the loss of my awesome mom had it not been for the love and support of Team Teal - blog friends, local friends, and family members who formed a loving circle and lifted me when I was down.

And so that's it. A year has passed and my mom is gone but will never be forgotten. My heart is still healing, but it's time to focus on being grateful for the mom I had, and look forward to being the best mom I can be for my own daughter.

Thank you, dear friends and readers, for allowing me to use this space for writing my feelings about my mom and her departure. It's meant the world to me, and I will never, ever forget your kindness and support.

♥

Team Teal Tuesday ~ The Walk

There aren't many mornings that I sit here and wonder what to write, but this morning the words just aren't flowing. I've wanted the Tuesday's leading up to my mom's farewell anniversary to be a bit entertaining, while at the same time honoring her in a way that would make her proud. Ah, life...and if this is my biggest challenge today, I am fortunate beyond words.

♥

This past Sunday, Carrie and I participated in the annual National Ovarian Cancer Run/Walk to Break the Silence of ovarian cancer. Last year we walked in honor of my mom, this year we walked in her memory.

 

 

Last year as we walked this path, my mom was in the final stages of her battle with ovarian cancer. I remember there being lots of tears on that walk, lots of hand holding and anticipation about what was to come. Last year I was in the depths of dealing with losing my mom, and Carrie was losing her grandma.

 

This year I boasted that I wasn't emotional - there would be no tears like last year. But this year, as we approach the anniversary of my mom's passing, things seem disjointed. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not every day that your mind is tasked with processing the one-year anniversary of losing someone so dear to you. I suppose that's my excuse for feeling a bit out of sorts lately.

Anyway! On the morning of the walk, Carrie arrived at my house a little late, and that was ok because I felt like I was moving in slow motion myself. Carrie had received some sad news about a friend of a friend, and after hearing her tale I had the good cry that I had boasted about not having the night before.

 

When we arrived at the park we thought it was odd that there was no one else around. We wondered if we'd mistakenly shown up on the wrong day - we weren't that late. As it turned out, the start/finish line had been moved to a new location this year, and in order to get to it {from where we had parked} we had to walk on the designated path that the rest of the participants would eventually be walking on. Essentially, we walked the second half of the course before anyone else. And by the time we got to the starting point, the sign had already been changed to read "finish" (see top photo) and we were 11 minutes behind.

 

 

I'd like to say that we were in good spirits and made the most of it, but the truth is that we were both in a bit of a funk that morning. And lately Carrie has been on a kick of not wanting her photo taken. {Mom's, do you hate that as much as me?} Last year we had a bunch of usable photos after the race, this year I have nothing. {Except a shot that's good of me, but Carrie has her tongue stuck all the way out. Really?!?! I'm going to use it in my Project Life, but will do her a favor and not post it on my blog. You're welcome, Carrie.} Anyway, I thought we were long past the "fake smile" stage in photography, but apparently it still shows up from time to time...

 

You can see some people walking on the other side of the lake in the photo below, and we eventually did catch up to them. And by the time we made it around the course to our starting point, there was our car so we made the decision to hop in it and head for home. We had technically walked the entire course, but I felt bad for not participating in the "people" part of the walk - the opening ceremony and officially crossing the finish line.

Even though this year's walk wasn't the same as last year's, we still made an effort and we still took time that morning to honor my mom. We did walk hand in hand, and we talked about how much we miss her, and some of the crazy {and kind of funny} things that happened around the time of her passing. Sometimes it takes writing a blog post to put things in perspective.

Would my mom be pleased that we went
to the park and {kind of} participated?

Yes.

 

Would she be disappointed that
we didn't fully participate?

Probably not.

 

Would she have walked the entire course five times
in a row had she been with us on Sunday?

Without a doubt, yes.

♥
Thanks for understanding, Mom. There's always next year...

Team Teal Tuesday ~ The Band

♥

When my aunt Sue was diagnosed with lymphoma, my mom wore a lime green cancer awareness band in honor of her younger sister's fight. A couple of years later, my aunt Betty was diagnosed with lung cancer, so my mom wore a white band in honor of her older sister's fight.

In February 2011, when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she said, “Well, if I have to have cancer I’m glad it’s ovarian because I really like the color teal.” I cringed, knowing that she was going to insist that we all wear those teal bands.

She didn't really insist that we wear them; we were actually more than willing to do so. Not only did we wear them, but we handed them out to a whole lot of other people who wore them in honor of our mom as well.

Deb, Denise & Karen

I wore the teal band in honor of my mom every day for the 19 months that she fought ovarian cancer. It was a harsh reminder every morning when I slipped the band over my hand that my mom was dying and there was not one solitary thing I could do about it.

And you know what? I hated that band. I hated what it stood for. I hated that the sight and feel of it on my arm was a constant reminder of what was to come, and I hated the way I felt about the way I felt about it. Like, maybe I shouldn't have been so angry about it. What kind of daughter was I, when there was my sweet grandmother who wore bands for three daughters? {She still wears each of them to this day.}

 

Me, on the other hand? Well, I made a pact with myself that I would wear the teal band until the day we buried my mother. I knew that if I wore it one day longer I’d never really be sure when to take it off.

I’ll admit that it felt very strange to not put that band on my arm the day after my mom’s funeral. I cried about it, feeling like I was abandoning her so soon after her passing and that perhaps my decision was wrong.

{Mom and me}

I keep my teal band in my jewelry box and I do wear it from time to time. I wore it on Mom's birthday this year, and on Mother's Day. And I've been wearing it this month because we're coming up on the first anniversary of her death and I've been thinking about her a lot. That's when I seem to reach for it and slip it on my arm - those times when I'm thinking about her a lot.

And now the band that I never wanted to wear in the first place has become a comfort to me. During the 19 months that I wore it, it became a symbol of my mother's strength and vulnerability and courage and mortality. It became something that I had in common with everyone else who wore a teal band for Marti - all of us wishing and praying for the same thing and sometimes nothing more than just a lot of love for her.

If you joined me in wearing a teal band for my mom, please know that she

loved that! Your kind gesture meant so much to my family and me.

♥ 

PS: I'm wearing mine today. ♥

Team Teal Tuesday ~ The Toes

Did you know that September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month?
♥

Last year at this time my mom was working her way through the final stages of ovarian cancer. Even though she died on October 9, September is the month I look back on and hate the most.

September 2012 was a month of worrying and waiting and wondering when the inevitable was going to happen. It was a month of sleepless nights, blurry days, and constant thinking. Thinking. What to do and when to do it. Constantly.

And now September is here again and I'm faced with the memories of what it's like to lose an amazing someone to such a crappy, horrible disease.

Last September I learned about "Teal Toes" - an organization that encourages women to paint their toenails teal for the month of September in an effort to spread the word about ovarian cancer. The idea is that you have this crazy color on your toes and if/when someone notices, you then have an opportunity to share some information about ovarian cancer.

So last year, Carrie and I put teal on our toes and so did the rest of the women in our family, as well as a whole bunch of sweet ladies known as Team Teal. And this year we're doing it again.

 

♥ Please take a moment to educate yourself about ovarian cancer.
♥ You can read more about my mom here.
♥ I created a hashtag in honor of my mom {Marti}. If you post a photo I'd love for you to include the tag so I can see. :o) #tealtoesformarti

The Sweetest Little Thing

 

A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from my sweet grandma. Included in the envelope was this photo of my mom at the age of about seven. I had never seen this photo before, and I was so touched to have this little surprise come to me.

 

Since my mom's passing in October last year, my thoughts of her have been of someone suffering with cancer. Because she spent the final 19 months of her life fighting cancer, that's how I remember her in my most recent memory. Her battle was such a foreign thing for all of us to deal with. We were desperate for more time, hopeful for a cure, and in disbelief that someone as vibrant as our mother would have to endure what she did. When you live in fear and worry for that length of time, it kind of messes with your future thought process a bit. I think, anyway.

 

When this photo of my mom tumbled out of the envelope I was struck by the innocence of her as a little girl. She holds her lunch sack in one hand, and a homemade Easter basket made from a chocolate box in the other. Standing against the chicken coop that was actually their home at the time, she squints into the morning sun as my grandmother - whose shadow appears in the lower right corner - "makes her photograph" onto black and white film.

 

I called my grandmother to thank her for the sweet photo, and I loved the way her voice changed tone when she chuckled and said, "She was just the sweetest little thing." My grandma's tone struck a chord in me and got me thinking about my mom in a different light.

 

I love that this photo reminded me of a happier time. A time when cancer wasn't part of who my mom was. A time when in her youth and innocence, she didn't care that her Easter basket was made from a candy box, or that she lived in a chicken coop (although she did express embarrassment over their living arrangements in later years). She was, at that time, completely free of worry and pain. Her whole life was ahead of her, and she had no idea where that would lead or the people whose lives she would touch. She had her sack lunch and Easter basket, and my grandmother thought enough to take a photo to remember it by.

 

While my most recent memory of my mom is that she was sick, I feel so grateful to be reminded that she lived her life in health. She was sweet and happy and healthy all the way up to her cancer diagnosis. Please let me remember that, and focus on that part of my mom's life rather than the final act. Let me hold on to my grandmother's happy voice when she said, "She was just the sweetest little thing."

 

I see that in the photo, and I know it in my heart.

♥

I miss you, Mom!

 ______________________________________________________

I'm linking up with my sweet friend Sian at From High in the Sky

for her once a month Storytelling Sunday.

{click here to read stories from all around the planet}

 

PS: A very happy birthday to my sweet grandma who turns 93 on Saturday, August 10th. ♥

Team Teal Tuesday ~ A Strawberry at Buckingham Palace

Oh, friends, my mom loved British royalty!

So when Carrie and I thought about places to leave

strawberries during our time in England, we knew

that Buckingham Palace had to be one of them.

♥

Carrie and I had planned to visit Buckingham Palace to see the Changing of the Guard. We went. We waited - but about 15 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to take place, someone came out with a sandwich board sign that read "No changing of the guard today." Boo.

I originally put this strawberry on the fence in front of the palace, but it didn't feel right to leave it there. {There were lots of people around there, and...I don't know...it just didn't feel right.} So after taking photos of a strawberry bouncing around in the wind with guards in the background, we walked over to the grassy area near the palace and hung it from a tree.

I love looking at this photo and thinking of my mom. She would have loved that we left a strawberry at Strawberry Field in Liverpool. She would have loved the ones we left at the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe. But this one? At Buckingham Palace? I really think this would have been her favorite.

God Save the Queen,

and bless my mom.

♥

To read all of my posts about

The Strawberry Project

{click here}

Team Teal Tuesday ~ A Strawberry at Arc de Triomphe

I wasn’t really prepared for how fascinated I would be with the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. It was massive in size, intricate in design, and I hadn’t even known that its purpose serves as a war memorial.

I mentioned in a post last week that my mom had been to Paris several years ago - she visited the Arc de Triomphe while she was there. As I stood under that amazing arc, I wasn’t struck by the size or the design or the purpose of its structure. Instead, I was struck by the fact that my mom had stood under it too - in all its glory - and I know she appreciated it on the exact same level that I was appreciating it that day.

As I prepared this blog post and searched for links to include in my text, I clicked on a link to this site and immediately noticed a link on the left that read, “Honoring the Brave.” How appropriate, I thought, that Carrie and I left a strawberry at a place that honors courage. No, my mom wasn’t a hero in a political war, but she was a hero in her fight against ovarian cancer. Truly, my mom is one of the bravest women I’ve ever known.

So we left a strawberry for my mom at the Arc de Triomphe. Feeling extra sentimental, we called Doug from there, and also left a voice message for Papa Rod.

{Carrie's Photo}

I know in my heart that my mom would be pleased.

♥

{You can read all about our Strawberry Project by clicking here.}

Team Teal Tuesday ~ A Strawberry at the Eiffel Tower

♥

Part way through our trip to England, we went to Paris for a day. I will tell you all about that day in a future post {England Trip ~ Day 6}, but for today I'm sharing a bit about the strawberry we left at the Eiffel Tower for my mom.

{You can read about our Strawberry Project here.}

My mom and step-dad traveled to Paris years ago {maybe 10?} and she was so thrilled to have been there. There's a photo of her {wish I had it for this post!} standing with the Eiffel Tower behind her, and in her scrapbook she wrote: "Who would have ever thought that John R's daughter would be standing at the Eiffel Tower?"

And there we were, at the Eiffel Tower and Carrie said it: "Who would have ever thought that Marti R's daughter and grand-daughter would be standing at the Eiffel Tower?"

We left this strawberry hanging from a shrubbery at the base of the Eiffel Tower.

My mom would be so pleased!

♥

Our England Trip ~ Day 3

Day 3 in London ~ Our final day of blog friend meet-ups

♥

From my travel journal: "Today is the day we meet with our blog friends / members of Team Teal. I know my mom is with me in spirit, and thinking of her makes me want to cry - but I won't! I'm so happy and excited to meet these ladies, to share a meal with them and visit face to face. I can't believe this day is finally here!"

In February 2011 my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my blogging took a little turn. I began sharing more personal information on my blog, and I went from being someone who rarely asked anything of others, to straight out asking for support for my mom. To my joy and amazement, I got what I asked for and then some! Team Teal was born and friendships were grown to a new level.

Before my mom passed, she knew that Carrie and I would be traveling to England and that we would be meeting several members of Team Teal. She was so very happy about that! These ladies {as well as several others from around our awesome planet} were such a source of love and support for my mom {and me} while she was fighting cancer. Every time I talked to my mom she mentioned receiving a card or note from Team Teal and she was so touched by that. Every. Time.

Having the opportunity to meet these women in person, to hug them and express my gratitude for what they did for my mom, was so very important and special to me. I tear up as I type this post - it just meant so much to us.

{Rather than pepper this post with links every time I mention a name,
I have put links for each friend's blog at the end of this post.}

Here's how day three went down:

My friend Helena traveled from Scotland to be in London for our lunch, and she met us for breakfast in our hotel that morning. After breakfast, we all walked over to Covent Garden near our hotel. Helena had gone to university in London, and she told us that Covent Garden had been the main produce market years ago before being turned into a super awesome shopping center.

See the group of musicians at the bottom right of this photo? There was always a different group there, or an individual singing opera. The acoustics were amazing, and it was always so much fun to walk through Covent Garden on our way to the Underground and hear different performers there.

Being there the week before Easter, we were able to see the Easter Egg display and also a giant Lindt bunny play area. These eggs were really cool, and they were all over Covent Garden.

Our group kept growing - Carrie, Alison, Helena, and then Karen joined us there as well. When it was time, we made our way by bus to Maggie Jones's restaurant where Ruth had made reservations for our lunch. I was anxious to get there early as I really wanted to greet everyone when they arrived. 

Very first thought about Maggie Jones's: SOOO beautiful and quaint and kind-of-dark-for-photos... {but we managed just fine!}

It wasn't long before our table was filled with happy ladies, all sporting cameras. :o) I felt just a little sorry for the older couple at the table next to us, and I hope we didn't spoil their quiet lunch with our happy chatter.

Above: Karen, Jacky, and me

Below: Karen, Denise, and me

Above: Rhona and Jacky

Below: Becky, me, and Mel

{borrowed some of these photos from Denise ~ Thanks, Den!!!}

Lunch was really yummy, and we had a few really great servers who took care of us throughout our time there. This one was so patient when we asked if he'd take a group shot - with not just one camera, but several! We took mercy on him and didn't have him use 11 different cameras.

I'm so glad that Denise snapped this photo - it seemed kind of silly at the time to ask to have my photo taken with our server {Nicholas}, but now I'm glad that I did. He was a fun part of our time at Maggie Jones's.

Here's a group photo from Carrie's camera ~ taken by our server friend Nicholas:

Alison and Jacky seated on the left.
Then from left to right, Ruth, Carrie & me, Helena, Becky, Denise, Mel, Karen, and Rhona.
Awesome, right?!?!

♥

After lunch we stood outside the restaurant and took pictures. Lots of photos, including a photo of Carrie and me with each blog friend. I loved this so much! I plan to make a little mini book with all these photos soon!

{Denise's photo of Ruth taking a photo of Carrie, Rhona, and me}

After our photo session, we walked around until we found a Costa and the few of us still remaining went in for a cuppa. I didn't want our time together to end! I was savoring every last bit of it! But alas, all good things must come to an end, so we bid farewell and Ruth walked us to our bus stop and made sure we got ourselves on the right bus.

Travel journal: "After everyone went their separate ways, Carrie and I came back to our hotel for a little while. We were exhausted, but not ready to call it quits for the day, so we ventured out and found a place to eat and drink some cider. We ended up in a really stupid arguement, fueled by jet lag and emotion. I pulled out all the stops on the mama-drama and take 90% responsibility for the squabble. I miss my mom so much today - I want to tell her about meeting some of Team Teal and how lovely they all were. My time with these ladies went from anticipation to a wonderful memory in the blink of an eye, and it all got the best of me. Tomorrow is a new day - we're going to Liverpool and my girl will be very happy about that!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

You can visit my sweet blog friends by using the following links:

 ~ Alison ~ Becky ~ Denise ~ Helena ~ Jacky ~ Karen ~ Mel ~ Rhona ~ Ruth ~ 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥