When I was six, my mum met my stepdad and I gained two older step brothers – his sons, Jacob* and Christian*.
The boys lived with their mum but visited and holidayed with us often, and I embraced them and loved them as my brothers.
Jacob was very paternal and always took the lead. I remember him comforting me during a thunderstorm, and inventing funny games. I adored him. Christian and I found it harder to get close, but I still loved him.
The boys’ relationship with their dad – my stepdad – however, was often strained.
They missed him. They wanted him to be at their drama performances and sports endeavours, and as they became teenagers, they’d often show their displeasure when they thought he’d let them down.
My stepdad did his best, and tried hard to spend time with them, but was often blocked by the boys’ mum.
Looking back, Jacob and Christian may have had some resentment towards me, too – the imposter child who got to live with their dad full-time.
And it was hard for me to get to know my new parent too, sometimes: my stepdad was the opposite of my own mild-mannered father, very strict and a stern enforcer of his rules. But we grew to love each other and as my own father backed out of my life, he became my true dad.
I saw my stepbrothers less and less as we grew up, went to university and started careers; we only tended to meet at my parents’ place for special events but we emailed, and sent cards for birthdays and holidays, and I still loved them dearly.
When Jacob got married and had kids, my parents moved across the country to be closer to them and they became welcome child-minders as Jacob focused on work.
My stepdad, now a mellow grandpa, was like a second dad to his grandkids – but the relationship with his sons continued to be difficult.
They’d harboured so much resentment from their childhoods and there were often rows or awkward conversations, followed by weeks of silence from Jacob.
A few years ago, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer. Luckily, it was caught early and, after surgery, he was declared cancer free, but it was a scary time – and my stepbrothers were nowhere to be seen.
It was down to me to travel the 100 miles to support my mum while my dad was in hospital, even though both Jacob and Christian lived much closer.
My parents never mentioned it but I found it hard to understand why they were so distant when their dad needed them most.
Regardless, we planned a big family Christmas to celebrate and Jacob rang to tell me he was going to take care of everything. He’d sort the food and make it really special – a wonderful gesture, I thought, especially now that both Jacob and I had young children who loved each other and were always excited to play together.
I sometimes think about how it was so easy for my brothers to cut my kids and I out of their lives
They were like a new generation untouched by the traumas of the past.
But by the time Christmas day came around, Jacob hadn’t organised anything.
My parents ended up sorting dinner for themselves and my family and told me that Jacob wasn’t coming until later.
I felt disappointed, but I didn’t want to rock the boat, and eventually my step brothers did arrive late in the afternoon to open presents, but Jacob barely spoke to anyone and just sat on the sofa looking bored.
‘Is everything OK?’ I asked him. ‘Yeah, fine,’ he replied, barely looking at me.
A few weeks later, a massive row erupted. Jacob’s deep-seated resentments reared their heads and he finally told my parents his true feelings, complaining they were too involved in his and Christian’s lives, and that they had no right to tell them what to do (even though they’d both been happy to accept chunks of money for cars and business expenses).
Jacob cut my parents off completely. He forbade them from seeing their grandkids and stormed off, never contacting them again. Christian just went along with it.
The whole thing left us feeling incredibly confused and my parents were devastated to lose their grandchildren – it broke my stepdad, I was heartbroken for them but the row was between them and I felt there was no point getting involved. My kids and their cousins would still get to see each other, or so we thought.
Later that year, I had a milestone birthday. We’d always celebrated big birthdays as a family, often going away together, and this time, I planned a weekend at a hotel with beautiful grounds where the kids could all run wild together.
But I realised about a month before that there was no way we could all be there without it ruining my celebration, so I eventually booked for just my family and my parents. We had a brilliant time and I posted some pictures on Facebook a few days later.
Jacob messaged me: ‘I’ve just seen the photos – why weren’t we invited?’
‘I thought it would be awkward, since you don’t want to see our parents,’ I replied.
But he told me seeing the photos was hurtful to him and so he cut me off as well. He said he didn’t see a way for us to still be in each other’s lives when he wasn’t seeing my parents, and it would be better not to try.
I couldn’t understand how he could do this. It was incredibly painful. And since Christian and I had never been close, he just did what Jacob wanted and that was that.
At Christmas, I sent a parcel of presents to Jacob’s kids, but it was returned unopened. I was so sad and hurt. I’d never done anything to my brothers except love them; now I was the innocent caught up in their strong feelings towards their dad.
I haven’t seen or heard from either of them since, and it’s been over 10 years now.
It was hard trying to explain to my kids why they couldn’t see their cousins any more. As time rolls by, they still sometimes ask me about them, but I have no answers. It hurts my heart that they too have to bear the brunt of this family fallout, through no fault of their own.
I sometimes think about how it was so easy for my brothers to cut my kids and I out of their lives, but over time, I’ve begun to think they never felt the same about me as I did about them.
I had loved them as my siblings, but they must never have really seen me as their sister – and as the only child who gained two brothers, only to lose them again, that hurts a great deal.
*Names have been changed
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE : My brother made me play ‘naughty exercises’ – I didn’t realise it was abuse
MORE : My wife inherited £20,000 from her dad’s death. We’ve never been poorer
MORE : Supermarket is giving away free breakfasts this summer including iconic cereal kids will love
Sign up to our guide to what’s on in London, trusted reviews, brilliant offers and competitions. London’s best bits in your inbox
Share this with