'Modern Family' react: The laughs roll in back-to-back

Image credit: Peter “Hopper” Stone/ABC[/caption]

Baby bumps, vasectomies, lesbians, oh my!

Modern Family returned tonight with two back-to-back episodes. As riveting as last Wednesday’s first presidential debate was, Obama and Romney’s comedic timing is no match for the Dunphy/Pritchett/Delgado/Tucker clan’s.

First episode: “Schooled”

Change is in the air as Haley leaves for college, Lily starts kindergarten, and Jay and Gloria enroll in parenting classes to appease Manny. With the use of a human Venn diagram and the help of guest stars Michaela Watkins and Wendi McLendon-Covey, Mitch and Cam also realize that, contrary to what they thought, gay men and lesbians have commonalities.

Funniest scene:

Phil mistakes Haley’s roommate for Claire when he walks up to her from behind. After he grabs her butt and makes a few inappropriate remarks, he realizes his mistake — right when the teen’s father walks in. Just when things couldn’t get more uncomfortable, Haley and Claire step in and Phil asks Claire to prove that she works out and “looks young” from behind. Oh, and Claire accidentally drops Haley’s bag, spilling the jumbo pack of condoms she bought for her. I checked to make sure I wasn’t watching MTV’s Awkward. at that point.

Most touching scene:

Haley calls Phil and Claire as they’re driving back home after being shooed away following the awkward incident. She tells Phil she loves his present (his book Phil’s Osophy, with aphorisms that include, “The most amazing thing that can happen to human beings will happen to you if you lower your expectations” and “If life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be like, ‘what?'”), that she loves them, and will miss them. I got choked up watching the Dunphys get chocked up. The show’s final five minutes always get to me.

Five best lines:

“I’m going to cry harder than when I watched Air Bud.” –Phil

“I agree. Is this kindergarten or The Hunger Games?” –Cam

“I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick with the other. I think I know how to keep my child safe.” –Gloria

“You didn’t see the way muffin top was looking at me? People can be cruel.” –Haley

“When I was five years old, my baby sitter was a goat.” –Gloria

“What?” –Jay

“Oh, please. You know about Lupe.” –Gloria

Second Episode: “Snip”

While Gloria and Jay decide they don’t want to know the sex of their unborn child, Claire and Phil decide they don’t want to have any more kids. Gloria and Cam are also both in denial, one about her growing baby bump, the other about his growing restlessness about not having a job. Gloria’s ultimately forced to buy maternity clothes when she pops out of her clothes in public. Cam becomes a music teacher at Manny’s school, and the Dunphys realize that they might want a baby, after all.

Funniest scene:

After Phil runs away from the doctor’s office once he grasps the weight of his decision, Jay finds him and comforts him. But he just can’t pass up an opportunity to humiliate his son-in-law. He asks Phil to pose for a picture as he’s seated on a bench plastered with his face, advertising his real estate agency. With his back blocking the text, the only words that are visible spell out “not a real man.” Now that’s a Kodak/iPhone moment.

Most touching scene:

Claire watches from afar as Alex and Haley bond over video chat. Aside from the fact that the two sisters are finally getting along, the scene is especially poignant because it allows Claire to realize how much she loves the kids she hates so much. Then Luke, with the poutiest of faces, gives her a single, red rose to apologize for yelling at her earlier that day.

Five best lines:

“They were never able to have kids, so we were always … ” –Claire

“Jealous of them.” –Phil

“Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.” –Jay

“I have post Post Office Traumatic Stress Disorder.” –Claire

“You thought you could fix me by turning me into a shop girl?” –Cam

“I’m kind of sensitive down there. I can’t go into certain jacuzzis.” –Phil

‘Modern Family’ season 4: Are you still down with the Dunphys?